If you trust no one you can't get hurt

My heart won't take this cover up
You left me
And I can't change this
I can never take it back
Now I can't change your mind
You left me
~Congratulations by Blue October~

I don't get it. Why does this seem to be happening to me right now. I'm starting to get really bad migraines and it's right when I'm going to be putting in 28 hours at work and trying to get my finals done. I don't think that it helps I am having a really hard time with a friend of mine. I work with this guy Isaiah and he and I had plans on hanging out last night, watching elf playing some scrabble and other stuff. I have had problems with him keeping his word and lying about things, like meet up with people, and even reasons why he didn't show. Perfect example would be him saying he would come into work and pick up something from me. He didn't and said that he had a brothers night. Come to find out he was with his girlfriend instead, why lie about that stuff. Just tell me the true dummy. Don't lie to me about it, it'll just make things worse. so then when i was in work yesterday when he was working i told him that he better not stand me up again if he does I'm not going to be pleased. He promised and even pinky swore on it. I could have been doing other things last night too. He never showed when he did. To make it worse he didn't even answer his phone at all or even called to tell me he was cancelling. So I'm done with this, I'm pissed and nothing is really going to help out with it. Really makes you feel worthless because someone doesn't even have the decency to call and say they can't make it. So I'm kind of bumming and pissed oh yeah and sick. So Isaiah if you're reading this you've screwed up big time and I've got enough friends who actually call me back and tell the truth so don't expect me to be your friend anymore. Trust is the hardest thing for a person to earn back with me and i have no trust in you what so ever. I guess i have to think of it as his loss right? I'm going to bed and realizing how much my TRUE friends love and care about me.

Save yourself while you can, follow these finals tips!

Da da da DAHHHH It's that wonderful time of year again that all of you college students are looking for. It's my semi-annual finals survival guide for the semester, and let me tell you I did some research just for you guys! this may be the best pep talk yet. (or until next semester)

In the obvious reason of my post, avoiding my finals and massive amounts of papers, I'm giving you all the great chance of hearing the positive side of finals believe me they are good! Finals aren't here yet but for some reason this year professors decided to load on the homework and exams the week before finals as well, what are they crazy?! Do you really think we need to have an exam wednesday then have a final that next tuesday I don't think so!

The best reason of having finals is that once you are done, you never have to do that class again. No more Chem, accounting, social psych, and that dredded history class. No you aren't going to fail the class so stop telling yourself this, you'll do just fine. Quit telling everyone that you are going to especially when the people in your class know you're going to throw off the whole curve, that is if you're lucky to have one.

If you think about it finishing your final and handing it in is the perfect time for you to do something you normally wouldn't or couldn't have done. You could go up to your professor who you really weren't a fan of and dump your hot chocolate all over him and tell him how he was a douche bag for making you take that test the day of the halloween. Can't do it? Then when you turn in the test say here's your answer key. Too weak in the knees still? If you're still too chicken shit to do that just say thanks professor I'm looking forward to your class in the spring next year.(which I have the joy of doing with my exercise physiology professor for next spring) I personally would like to just kick my social psych professor in the baby maker and walk away but that might get me in jail... If you're not willing to do any of that there is always the option of doing your exam in a crayon or even a fun colored sharpie unless it's those scantron test. Hey why not color outside the little circle and see what they're going to do about it. I even found that there is a university that will allow you to throw a pie in your professor's face once you're done with your final for a small price, which all goes to charity of course. Hell why not just do it and save yourself the fee. the whole class would L-O-V-E it!

In desperate times, calls for desperate measures. A way to help with you anxiety and sleep deprivation is a chemical boost. Some are better than others. Even I have resorted back to the good old days of drinking my pop and enjoying my caffeine boost for that hour and a half. That red bull is going to do you a hell of good if you can't stay awake to study your boring crap. Many say stay away from the alcohol this week but I say why not go for it. This quite possibly could lead to the other form of stress reliever, sexual activity. But don't go too overboard with this one it could cause many problems down the road. One or two have been show to help you study a little better because you're relaxed so start getting relaxed.

Finally you can really take the challenge intellectually on finals week. Sure you haven't been to class since the first week and you got at D on your midterms....I don't care. You can learn the entire course with 3 dews and a full 24 hour cram before the test. Just think about this one, remember when you were a freshman and thought you had to go to every class. All the test prep you did was definitely less than 24 hours per class. That means for the rest of the time you did jack shit. So if you really are stuck in this situation you've got time. You can do it, but it might help if you have the notes from someone so you have some sort of idea.
So that's it guys remember study with a buddy if you can then if they are a hot buddy you can go relieve some of your other stresses. Just kidding I don't promote that kind of stuff. Remember Ben and jerry can be you best friend as well as chocolate. Sleep is always a good thing to but remember to set your alarm. With all this being said enjoy the worst week of the semester, you'll make it through like the rest of us. Enjoy your christmas break it's less than a week away.

I want a guy who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me, hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. Someone who would sing to me at random moments, who would let me sleep on their chest. A boy who would get mad at someone if they called me ugly or was mean to me. I want someone who would call me 3 times a day if he went away. Someone who would let me gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything I said. He would throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then kiss me a million times. Someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh, he would take me to the park and put his hands around my waist and give me big bear hugs all the time. He would tell his friends about me and smile when he did it. He would never be afraid to say "I love you" infront of his friends, and we'd argue about silly things then make up. I want a boy that would kiss me at midnight on New Years and count stars with me. Who would stay home with me on a friday night and help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket. Someone who would tell me I'm beautiful but not too often, who would make me laugh like no one else could. But mostly, I want someone who would be my best friend and would never break my heart.

you know what i want?
just once i wanna be someone`s
reason for waking up
someone`s reason for
going through another day
just one time i wanna be the
one being wished for
the one who makes a guy say
"i`m so lucky to have her"
but to put it simply..
i wanna mean something to somebody
what they mean to me



I'm accepting applications now if you'd like to apply for this position. Really I highly doubt there are guys like the above out there so if anything prove me wrong please.

That is all....

Sweet Sassy Molassy

"And I wonder when I sing along with you if everything could feel this real forever, if anything ever could be this good again."-Everlong by the Foo Fighters

I've been way too busy to update this thing but I decided to take time out and actually write in it today. And I decided to make it colorful. School has been kicking my butt, I feel like all I do is work work work and get nothing out of it. I'm really ready for the break to come for christmas. Work is awesome I love everyone who I work with and I love my job, I've never had that and it's something that I really like the feeling of. I got to go home for thanksgiving for only 24 hours, if that but it was definately worth it. I needed it to be longer but it is better than nothing. I now know i've got only 23 days till I get to go back and see my family again for a lot longer, YAY! I've got the week off until friday, so each night i've gone over to the mckinney's house to have supper with meg since matt is out of town. It's been nice, i've actually gotten home cooked food and it's amazing. love it! I've been really tired recently and I hope to God that it isn't my mono coming back again. that would be horrible. okay that was my update I'll work on updating it a lot more when I can.

Kisses, hugs, high fives, and handshakes love to all of you

Just a quickie

Never underestimate the impact of a small or simple request from someone has on a person. Tonight I got a phone call from my friend Kelley and she asked if I wanted to come home with her for thanksgiving. As of right now I'm not able to since I work at 4 in the morning the next day. But if I had the chance to go I would. It definately made my day maybe even possibly my week, and I'm very greatful for the request. Hopefully I'll be able to get to close that night like I requested and make it to thanksgiving with kelley and her family. At least I won't be alone for the holiday if I have anything to do about it. Thanks so much for the offer Kelley it really means a lot!!!

That is all I must sleep now....

Life is beautiful but it's complicated

"Forever feels like home sitting all alone inside your head, how do you feel that is the question, but I forget that you don't expect an easy answer

It looks like I'm not going to be able to go home to north carolina for thanksgiving. It definately sucks big time. So I'll be home alone in GB for the break while everyone else gets to be with their families and enjoying their wonderful time giving thanks for what they have in their life. What am I going to do? Give thanks for being abandoned by my family and left all alone here in Green Bay. Give thanks that I won't even get to see them until christmas. Give thanks for not having any where to go for thanksgiving, gee thanks....

On another note I am LOVING my job. I have so much fun that it's ridiculous. Time flies by so fast when I'm there and I love all the people I work with, they make me laugh and bring sunshine to my day. Hopefully I'll have the job after the holidays, which looks like a very high possiblity since I've been doing amazingly well my first week of work. I am just pumped, made tons of new friends and have another group that I can depend on and know they'll help me out. Heck the top managers, Bryan even loves me already. Every time he comes by my department he stops and asks me how things are going and has a good 5 minute conversation. It's nice to know that people actually care about you and how you are doing with comparison to your job. I haven't had that before. Mary Hanson caring about her employees I THINK NOT!!! At least we all know I can't steal slushies here at best buy so I won't be getting fired anytime soon. Hahahahaha So here is a song that I can really really relate to this season. Check it out.


I'm coming home from my hardest year
I'm making plans not to make plans while I'm here
And this life has been no holiday,
a complicated situation
I'm fine with all my memories
Still I could use vacation

It's Christmas in California
And it's hard to ignore that it feels like summer all the time
But I'll take a west coast winter to remove my splinters

It's good to be alive
It's good to be alive

I'm coming home to the lights and buzz
Streets look the same, still nothing's as it was
This place is paradise I'm sure, here's my reservation
I've gotten lost here once before
Inside a good vibration...

And time, time it stops for no one
The seasons come and go and that's just time
Yeah time it stops for no one
The seasons keep on going
Whether or not we're blind

Christmas in California
And it's hard to ignore that it feels like summer all the time
But I'll take a west coast winter to remove my splinters

It's good to be alive

I'm not creative with titles today

"Tell me do you believe, in the girl that is me, with her feet to your feet, well that's all I need."~Tristan Prettyman

So I just was watching tv and a commercial came on and I had to post about it. They have a guys gone wild dvd set. Seriously could it get any worse. The girls gone wild is bad enough to have guys doing it now is disgusting. What has this world come to. It makes me sad.

Have you ever had a day where it's been crappy with highlights of goodness. Like the stuff you really need to know for a test that you highlight in your textbook, that's good. The rest of the text you have to read, that's crap and you could careless about. That would be my day. Yesterday night was horrible and I don't even want to talk about it. This morning I woke up feeling like I had got hitten head on by a semi and could barely walk. Real great when I've got to make it to my exercise phys. lab. Yup Exercise is in the title of the class meaning we do exercise in the lab. I had to run up a flight of stairs jumping every third step as fast as I could then pedal at my max tension for as hard and fast as I can for 30 seconds. I was pumping out about 1500-2000 watts. It killed my legs that were already dead. Then our T.A. didn't do the stair test right so we had to do it again. Oh did I mention the place where we did the stair test was on the OPPOSITE side of campus. It sucked. Also it was 13 pages for our lab with a crazy amount of calculations. Class after exercise phys was boring and I was cramping up while sitting down during the class.

Then I had to deal with money issues and paperwork at Best Buy for my job. That was a real treat. But the good part came when I finally got the cd I've been looking for and the 0.c. season 3. My first area of highlighter in my life. I then had to go to the mall to pick up some more refills for my wallflower. I stopped in gap to see if they had any more project(red) merchandise in. They had a sweet shirt that was wayyyy too low cut for me in women's but they had a sweet one in men's that was a medium that fit me perfect. It says bo(red) on the front. If you haven't hear of project(red) check it out here....joinred.com It's an amazing thing trying to help out africa with poverty and aids. One day I'll get over there to give my time to the cause but right now I have to be here. So there was highlighter number 2. I went to get my refills and it took forever to get someone to even help me and they couldn't even find the scent I wanted (more boring text). I get home and nobody is here and it's sad and lonely. great stuff huh? Everyone is going to be busy this weekend while I do nothing. But abe called me drunk and very wasted which was another highlighter moment of the night. Hopefully he'll remember he said he was coming to hang out with me tomorrow. now I'm in pain and trying to enjoy my boring text life

this brought me joy yesterday in my day of trials and tribulations from mr. jason mraz.....

If I WERE a Cardboard Cutout…
…I’d run for President with Flat Stanley on my ticket, and then I’d be gay and marry Flat Stanley to help tear down outrageous marriage laws.
…I’d slide under the door of the girl’s locker rooms to remind them to conserve water while brushing their teeth.
…I could probably read the newspaper without ever opening it.
…I’d be curious as to how I was going to handle elimination.
…I would no longer attend Yoga class. Instead, I would go to origami class.
…My wardrobe would probably include cardboard sleeves from Starbucks.
…I’d probably sound like a balloon or blade of grass when I sang.
…Rather than burial or cremation, I’d be recycled.

What would you do?
I'll end with that
p.s. check out tristan prettyman she is Ama-za-zing as they say in benchwarmers

Tequila and Salt.

"I think I'll start a new life, I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather, I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain... I think I'll go to Boston, I think that I'm just tired I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind..."~Augustana

Not much to write about except that I got the job at Best Buy. They just needed to do a drug test and a background check and it's all mine. Sweet huh? oh and it pays pretty nice too and sets me up for a job during the summer. I'm pumped. I've done nothing but sleep this weekend the whole time. I hope I don't have mono again. Playoffs are tomorrow, hopefully they'll let us move back the time an hour so we have our skiiers make it. But I'ev got a headache and I'm going to bed again for the bajillionth time today. I got this in an e-mail from a friend and decided to share it with you

Everything below is 100 percent true.
1.There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2.At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3.The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be
just like you.
4.A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't
like you.
5.Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6.You mean the world to someone.
7.You are special and unique.
8.Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9.When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10.When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11.Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

Believe it they're true....consider me one of your 15 that love you!

My goodness....

"Often th etest of courage is not to die but to live."

Last night was a crazy night a recap quick for all...
-Got over to Johnnie after speaking with a friend and gave him his stuff back
-confronted him on the lies
-he grabbed a knife and was going to cut himself
-he goes into his room, i try to grab the knife and get cut on my finger
-talk him out of doing it and hands me the knife
-he freaks out
-we leave and he texts us pretty much a death note
-we call the cops and he goes to the crisis center for help and released later

mentally and emotionally exhausting. It's done and over with this guy and I am never going to speak to him again. It's best for me and even more for him. He needs a lot of help and that help is something I am not going to be able to give to him. He may hate me for what I did last night but at least his parents know about his condition and can push him to get help. I shined a light on something that was hidden in the dark. One day he'll understand why we did what we did, and know that it was because we cared. I have my interview tomorrow and have yet found a top to wear to the interview. I've got shoes i'm borrowing but I still need a top. This weekend is going to be crazy. Tomorrow night Travis is back and there is a costume party for him and the guys he's coming here with. Saturday is Kiley's wedding and the girls swim meet against their biggest competitors. Oh and I need to clean my room. I'm really really ready for the weekend but also need sleep so that is exactly what I am going to do. Definately tell the ones you love them you never know it might make them take a step back from the ledge.
I love you all

beep beep

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." ~Elenor Roosevelt

So sunday night was the culmination of everything between johnnie and I. I went over to his place to get my blanket back and give him his stuff back. I knew he was home but he wouldn't let me in, I even saw him look out his patio door to see who it was... so I sent him a text and he said he wasn't home and didn't have my stuff. What great lies. So I said screw it this is it and went home and wrote him an e-mail telling him that it was over and how much he hurt me. So as of right now he still has my stuff and I still have his, maybe I'll burn it or give it away to someone. I may never talk to him again unless he makes the effort but it's life, i've already moved on. I also got offered to have an interview at best buy on friday afternoon. how sweet is that?? It'd be a couple of days a week and the weekend working in the CD department how much cooler is that. I'd get to be with a passion of mine and get the awesome discount, can't get much better. This week is going okay school wise just a lab exam and reviews for experimental psych on tuesday. As of right now my life is pretty stress free which is amazing!!! The chupacabras are undefeated and we only have one more game to play before play offs so we're pretty much guranteed top spot. Life is sweet. Love hugs and kisses.

beautifully broken

Nothing can explain how hurt I have been since saturday last week. I have been beaten down broken up sideways. My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest cut up into a million pieces and then stomped on until it was nothing. I have been purposefully hurt by a person who said they loved me. I don't understand this, how can you love me and hurt me like this and not even speak to me anymore. I just want to see him one last time to give him his stuff back, get mine back, end this whole thing, and have closure for myself. I really hope one day he'll allow this, if he cared for me one bit he would but it's not happening. I don't want to end this whole relationship over the internet or an e-mail, it'd be like the post-it note break up on sex and the city, and that is NOT happening. But I have to thank god that I've got friends who are there and supporting me through this especially cory and even Jared, I know suprising but it's a good thing to be on good terms with him again (at least I hope). I am way too compassionate for people and it has gotten to the point where I am constantly getting hurt. I don't understand why other people don't have a care in the world for another person's feelings at all! These songs show my emotions exactly. The first is by Snow Patrol You could be happy. Fits with johnnie perfectly. The second is making me love you by epic hero which shows how pissed off I am. I love epic hero and the song, it's definately helping me through. The lyrics are straight from the lead singer Justin my buddie to my inbox consider yourselves lucky to have these lyrics : ) But I don't know what else to say about this all, but someone please save me from myself.

You Could be Happy by Snow Patrol
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Making Me Love you by Epic Hero

And I’m tired of the mainstream
And I feel like an outcast
And I don’t fit inside your perfect beautiful routine
There’s a ghost in my closet
Caffeine in my bloodstream
My tell-tale heart don’t have a chance with you

You say what you say
But your mind’s made up
You lead me on and you know it
I play all your games
But I know the score
And I hate you for making me love you

There’s a word to describe this
Some might say that it’s hopeless
And I can’t help thinking you just hurt me out of boredom
I’m a pawn in your kingdom
Make your move, because I’m ready
I can feel you breathing, feel you turn inside my soul

You say what you say
But your mind’s made up
You lead me on and you know it
I play all your games
But I know the score
And I hate you for making me love you

There’s a fine line between
Comedy and tragedy, suffering and ecstasy
The truth just keeps marching on
Grabbing hold of all of me
I’m strung for all the world to see

Sometimes you're the windsheild and sometimes you're the bug....I'm definitely the bug

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, somewhere along the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night, had i known how to save a life."~The Fray


This past weekend I got to go home to North Carolina to see my family which was amazing and something I definitely needed. But there was something that happened with Johnnie that caused him to want his space to get over his episode. He won't even talk to me at all anymore, and it hurts. I want to be there for him as a friend and a girlfriend but he doesn't even want to speak to me. It's hard because we were with each other all the time and now to have no communication at all kills me. Everyone says I should just say screw him but I can't this boy has changed my view on life drastically. This whole thing with him has definitely made me feel unwanted and unloved by him. I wish he would understand that I want to help him and I am here for him and care for him but he won't even allow me that chance to tell him. It hurts really bad. I wish I was back with my mom who helped me out and showed that she cared. This week sucks I've got 2 exams, a quiz, and a lab report due. Hell week and everyone is leaving this weekend so I've got the house all to myself. On a good note I get my love sac on Thursday and I can get some of my aggression out on that when trying to break it into pieces. Bad note is that I pulled my hamstring pretty hard core and probably won't play in tomorrow's game. I've started talking to cory and we're good again, and I like it for some reason we always find a way back to each other. He's found a place where he can be completely happy with his life and I'm glad for that. I want it to be the weekend already and it's only Tuesday. My little brother wrote this amazing poem and I love it. He doesn't know this but I love him a lot and wish I could be there to help him through these tough times. I think I'm failing both my brothers as a sister which breaks my heart...I'll make it up to them one day hopefully. Here's my brothers poem...explains my state of emotions the past few days.


The feeling i have

the feeling inside

something i hate

and is ment to hide

A little less Human

A little less me

A little less emotion

although you cant see

It start at the age of three

and progrssed through school

and up to now

and all i know is its not cool

A little less human

A little less me

A little less emotion

although you wont see

Now there are no tears

but not because im to proud to cry

its because i cant

and i dont know why

A little less human

A little less me

A little less emotion

But maybe you will see

now this afliciton i cant control

ive seeked help fom above

its what keeps me alive now

and that thing is love

A little less human

A little less me

A little less emotion

Hope you now will see
~Ian Lux

Pure Perfection

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak in the knees when they walk into a room and smile at you." ~Unknown


No it may not be love right now but you know what it's pretty fun whatever you want to call this. Oh yeah there's a boy, a boy that I happen to call my boyfriend. Yup I'm in a relationship with this amazing guy named Johnnie. He's probably the sweetest person I have ever met. He tells me some of the most awww.. things I've ever heard. It's only been a little bit but I'm more comfortable with him then anyone else I've ever been with. It's awesome. Words can describe how crazy this whole thing is. We've spent all weekend together and yet we haven't gotten sick of each other. Or at least I haven't gotten sick of him. My mom has even talked to him for a good 45 minutes and has given him the approval and loves him. Life is good. Hopefully the girls I live with will be more accepting of him than they were in the beginning. If anything could be perfect in this world, it's him.

I have a friend who has been threatening to end his life and to be honest I don't know if he's serious or not. I really hope not and that everything is okay with him. I can't do anything because he's all the way in washington and I am here. But I can't control his actions. I'm happy with my life at the moment and there is not much more to say to that.....

Intense...

"Gravity is working against me."


the weekend that I thought would be pretty uneventful was really one great weekend. I got to play with Toby Allison's puppy on friday with Kari. It was a good relaxing night but I was starting to feel stuffy and sick, not good. Saturday I went with Kari to this mexican celebration for her class and man did we stick out. We still enjoyed it as much as we could. Toby came back over to play for the rest of the afternoon. That night I went over to the ski house for a party which was a blast. I loved hanging out with brisky and the gang especially when I have highlighter all over me that you only can read in the black light. I was starting to feel like a sinus infection was coming so after getting home later than expected I fell asleep fast. Today I feel like shit and sound like a 90 year old chain smoking grandma. I have a horrible cough and stuffy nose and headache. So all I've done is lay in bed do homework and watch tv, oh and talk to my new friend johnnie online all day. we've been talking since 10 am and are still talking as I post this blog. We'll see what happens. But I found this online some how and this is exactly what I want in someone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart waking up is the hardest part

So I'm in love with the new john mayer album. It's so amazing you should go and check it out. It's definately a chill mood kind of record. That's something I've needed recently. So many of the songs I can relate to in my current mood of missing my family and being down.

No i'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an opened mind i just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train i want to get out and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know i can
But honestly will someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Come on stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know i can but honestly won't someone stop this train

So afraid of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So i play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
You sit down 68 you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't follow it moves the place you're in
I don't think i could ever understand
I tried my hand

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
When you're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing so you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train i want to get out and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know i can
Cause now i see i'll never stop this train

(think i got 'em now)



This one is because of a recent encounter with the exboyfriend of over a year, Jared who I thought was friends with. After talking to him I realized that all he wants is to get his stuff back (too bad it's in a box in North carolina in the obyss of a basebent) and I can't trust a word he said to me. Was the song he wrote for me just a song he wrote and felt bad because he didn't do what he said he would. Screw Madeline...I hope she never comes home to you.

It's been your word, you made your stand
You got me crying, as well as you planned
But when my loneliness is through, i'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When i was your lover
No one else would do
If i'm false to find another i hope he looks like you
Yeah and he's nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now i'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do
Oh i'm gonna find another you


Oh John Mayer couldn't have sung either of those songs better.....

slowly but surely it's starting to hit me

"You're my satellite You're riding with me tonight Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find You're my satellite.

Maybe you will always be Just a little out of reach..." ~Guster That is for my mom since she's not around but I know she's there. It makes sense

School has started up and I'm ready to start learning again but that'll start tomorrow when we really start taking the crazy notes and reading all the time. School is diffrent this year. I think it's because I'm off campus and not dealing with all the diffrent rules and living with the people I lived with last year. It's weird i can't just walk next door to see a friend I've gotta drive. Don't get me wrong I love it here at Carrera but it's totally diffrent than the past two years. I haven't even really seen a lot of the people I wanted to being back...eventually.


This weekend was my realization of loss. My family isn't here. It was really hard this weekend because everyone in the house was gone home or were with their families. I was the one left out just laying in my room. I know they didn't realize how depressed and sad I was but that's okay I don't expect them to. I really want to see my family and hug my mom and brothers but I can't do that anymore on the weekend. I was jealous and wished that everyone realized how great they have it. Being able to see their family is something most of them take for granted. I know I did, but now I just want everyone to know how lucky they really are. I might go over to the mckinney's just so I have something of a family or maybe even go see nick. I don't know it sucks and at night when everyone is asleep I hug my stuffed little foot and my prince charming stuffed frog tight and just cry myself to sleep. It's the adjusting period that sucks and i'm starting the adjusting. But if I don't want to adjust and have my family with me, eventually will it work?

It's snowing in North Carolina

This past 8 days is it now, has been nothing but work work and more work. I have unpacked a truck, inventoried the whole truck, and now going through each box trying to find something that resembles things from my house in Eau Claire. Because of that I have box cutter attached to my hand and white paper all over the place. It's crazy you should see how much paper these movers put in each box. I get the job of putting them in one place and flattening them and then rolling them up to be recycled. the house is huge and it doesn't even feel like anyone has lived in it because it's all in boxes. The worst part is that I can't get my damn computer up and working like it used to. I can't even get it to reformat my whole c drive. I've gotta look into it more but it doesn't look good. I am pumped to be getting back to GB on thursday to hang out with everyone before school starts. I'm excited for the fun this year, but not the school work. But I think Caribou coffee is calling my name. Peace out from down south in N.C.

The Unemployment Line Starts Behind Me

sorry folks no fun lyrics or quotes for this one. Just plain and simple I got fired from my job of 4 years for no reason at all. They believe that I gave away free food to another employee at work and they consider it stealing. Too bad I didn't DO IT. To make a long story short it is pretty much my Boss trying to screw me over because I quit 3 weeks before the pool closed and she wasn't happy about that. So now I nanny for two great kids and life is awesome in the work department. But I'm still fighting the battle on trying to get my name cleared of this stealing and fired thing because that looks bad.


So here it is folks I am starting the revolution against Mary Hanson for firing me for no reason the day before my last day. If you would like to join in this revolution in damning the man please let me know even if you have no affiliation with Mary Hanson. Heck even if it's because this world should be more honest and not screw good people over for NO REASON. Or just do it because you love me. : ) If you're lucky there also may be shirts involved saying,"Will work for slushies" or "I 'stole' a slushie and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." and those who join the revolution will be able to be listed here on this place for the whole world to see that you are with me on damning the man. I may even write a few good words or to about you. So Screw Mary Hanson and her smoking slut of a pawn Steph.

I guess it's left up to a sign

The for sale sign has offically gotten placed in the yard. I didn't know about it when I pulled up into MY driveway I saw it and I definately hit home. It is actually happening. I didn't think it would and that I wouldn't have to deal with everything that comes with it. My mom and my dad have already had a break down about the whole thing. I think I might be next, but I don't want to be that's what is holding me back. Weird just as I was writing this Jack's Mannequin came on and these were the words...crazy how much they relate to this whole thing.

I've got my things, I'm good to go

You met me at the terminal

Just one more plane right and it's done..

We stood like statues at the gate

Vacation's come and gone too late

There's so much sun where I'm from

I had to give it away, had to give you away

Hours pass, and she still counds the minutes

That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean

For it to feel like this

Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised

And don't fly fast. Oh pilot can you help?

Can you make this last? This plane is all I got

So keep it steady, now

cause every inch you see is bruised

I lace my Chucks, I walk the aisle

I take my pills, the babies cry

All I hear is what's playing through

The in-flight radio

Now every word of every song

I ever heard that made me wanna saty

Is what's playing through

the in-flight radio, and I

I am, finally waking up.

I understand this is about a guy and a girl losing each other and moving on but it relates to me losing my family too. I had to pack my things and leave them behind. I've got one plane flight from N.C. to leave them behind and that's exactly what I am doing. IT sucks big time. My mom is going to miss me tons and I know that she's going to miss me a lot and I know I'm going to be feeling bruised on the plane. I need sleep tomorrow I've got lots to do. less then 2 weeks and we're gone. it's scary, very scary.

I know better cause you said forever....

It's been way to long and I am sorry. I didn't even get to write about the next 2 days of summerfest. All I can say is that 3rd row of guster was AMAZING!!! I also can't even believe how sweet Jack's Mannequin was after the heat, the rain, the lightening, thunder, hail, and everything it ended up being one of the best times I had. Words can't describe how much fun I had each night. I loved seeing everyone from green bay, I forgot how much I missed them.

For some reason I have been really digging the new pink song called who knew. Yeah I know call me crazy but whatever it's stuck in my head and I can't get it out.

"When someone said count your blessings now. For they're long gone, I guess I just didn't know howI was all wrong. They knew better, Still you said forever ,And ever Who knew I'll keep you locked in my head Until we meet And I won't forget you my friend What happened."

Recap of the summer for all of you so far and what I'm thinking I guess:
-I have been working almost every day at the pool for almost 40 hours a week
-Instructing little kids how to play soccer is fun but sucks at the same time oh that's adds another 6 hours
-then 4 more hours added on for refing for 2 games a night on tuesdays thursdays
-I have barely seen anyone around this summer but I don't care because they don't seem to have the need to see me. Well I have seen those who I care about which is all that matters
-I have less than a month left in my house I grew up in. Do you know how scary that feeling is?
-I am sleeping on someones couch for 3 or 4 days which is going to be weird even if it is Matty McFatty
-I am having a party weekend next weekend and I have a feeling things are going to be interesting and sucky and yet I'm still excited.
-The next 3 weeks are going to go by so fast I'm scared of what it's going to bring.
-I hate the pool and want to tell everyone to fuck off well just steph
-I have a date to the "pool prom" it's not a real date but we're going as friends and dressing goofy
-I have been petitioning to be prom queen we'll see if It works
-I miss GB
-I miss my normal life but I don't think I'm ever going to get that back again.
-Is it sad i don't do anything except spend my time off of work with my family?? Can you blame me?
-I miss all my friends who are there for me
-I hate drama and everyone who was and is making it up.
-people are fake and I can see right through it even though I don't bring it up to them. Maybe I should start
-I need a vacation oh wait i'm getting that the 21st of august through the 31st
-Because of my vacation I'm missing someone's 21st birthday
-But I got to talk to Jaron who I miss more than anything and being in NC will give me the chance to see him in Tennessee.
-Jaron may even be in the twin cities the week we are moving out of our house which means a road trip!!!
-I need to stop rambling and just go to bed. Oh yeah and my computer doesn't work and isn't going to be working until I get to GB on the 11th of August.
AHHHHH I hate change but it's the one thing in my life that is constant so what can I do??
Love and peace, tell someone you love them and give as many hugs as possible you never know when it'll be your last....

Summerfest Day One

"When you're older, you will understand."-The Fray

So went to the fray last night and I am beat. One girl wait two girls shoved people to get onto the bleachers causing a mass amount of falling. I got the lucky part of it and ended up hitting a girl on the head with my lip. This caused tons of bleeding from the lip and causing it to become HUGE. so now this afternoon I have white puss on it and blood still coming out of it. It's pretty massive and hurts a lot. Brushing my teeth will be interesting. But I didn't really care because later the fray came out. I had such a great time. I sat by these two girls who go to whitewater who loved the fray just as much as I do. We ended up behind these really annoying group of high school girls that were nothing but drama. The Fray were amazing from the 6th row. They played their whole ablum as well as route 66 and a beatles cover. They also ended with my favorite song Trust Me. It was awesome and I got some pretty sweet pics. I am now off to the Johnson Creek outlet mall and qdoba with Marisa for the day. Tomorrow is Guster with a buch of friends who I haven't seen in forever. I'm giving it a rest for the fest today and just enjoy being lazy. More updates to come soon.

Yup I got it...

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."


I have definately decieded that the girls who I thought would be hanging out with this summer offically are avoiding me. Two I kind of understand because of something that happened way long time ago, but we're all adults here and should be able to get over it. The other two I have no idea why they are doing what they are doing. One we even took to North Carolina for free. And now she doesn't even return my calls, she even was talking to my good friend Matt trying to make me look bad. Didn't work Matt just called and asked me what was going on. The other one I went to the movies with once this summer and now she doesn't even return my calls either. I guess they all have some problem with me for some reason and don't want to tell me about it.

"and I know it's hard sometimes, but you just have to keep telling yourself that it doesn't have anything to do with you...but just as some people aren't right for you, you just weren't right for that one person."


Whatever I really don't care anymore I am going to be gone out of Eau Claire and all it's drama by the end of this summer and don't have to come back unless there are certain people I want to visit. They aren't going to be some of them. I do have to admit this summer would be much worse if it wasn't for Shell, Matty McFatty, Icky, Kinz, and some others. Thank God for them.


This weekend I am going up to Rhinelander to celebrate Erica's Birthday. The thing is that my ex-boyfriend is going to be there and he recently has been telling me how excited he is to see me and he misses me. I'm kind of nervous because I haven't seen him for 7 months and I know the truth about a lot of things he lied to me about. And to be quite honest I don't miss him and really not looking forward to seeing him. But it should be fun seeing everyone who is going up to Erica's, and I AM learning how to water ski or wake board this year! Peace out homies!

It's summer!!

"If I just lay here would you lie with me and just forget the world?"


It's summer and it SUCKS. It's been too long since I last wrote in here, and I'm sorry. Summer sucks being that I have no way to get around and that my friends don't seem to be calling me to hang out. I guess you realize who your true friends are. But Sat. I start work which hopefully help me not hating my summer. Also Bejya is going to be coming up Sat. for Ashley and Drew's wedding and reception on Sat. I won't be able to make it to the wedding because I have to be a work no exceptions but we're getting to make it to the dinner and the reception. We are going to get our groove on. My laptop has been fixed and the enter key is back, it's no long the ghetto computer. Also I got my ipod back and yesterday when I tried to upload songs it wasn't working again. So yesterday I went ovver to best buy ready to kill someone. They decided to not make it a crime scene and gave me a brand new black photo 30 gig ipod. So that was a nice addition to my life and I'm loving it. Now if only I can get all the album covers on the ipod. If you know how to do that please let me know I'm up for anything. Friday aka tomorrow my dad comes home for a week to help out with my mom when she has knee surgery. She has surgery on the 30th and I think we all have family pictures getting taken on the June 2nd. Yes that is life and that's about it. Alright so here's the deal sorry I won't update as much as I did during the school year, we have crappy dial up at home and I'm barely able to write as much. So today is the only way at panera since it has free wi-fi. Alrighty so have a great beginning of summer and it looks like it's going to be a hot and hummid memorial day weekend. Big hugs and love

Is it almost summer yet??

it's back my semi-annual finals pep talk. Finals Could they be any better, Revamped and even more fabulous than last semester!

In the obvious reason of my post, avoiding my finals I'm giving you all the great chance of hearing the positive side of finals believe me they are good!I know finals are already here and that today might make you dread the rest of the finals you have to come in the next 3 long and crucial days.
But the most obvious reason of having finals is that once you are done, you never have to do that class again. No more Chem no more sociology and no more foundations of western culture (my personal hate). No you aren't going to fail the class so stop telling yourself this, you'll do just fine. Quit telling everyone that you are going to especially when the people in your class know you're going to throw off the whole curve.
If you think about it finishing your final and handing it in is the perfect time for you to do something you normally wouldn't or couldn't have done. You could go up to your professor who you really weren't a fan of and dump your hot chocolate all over him and tell him how he was a douche bag for making you take that test the day of the blizzard of 2006. Can't do it? Then when you turn in the test say here's your answer key. Too weak in the knees still? If you're still too chicken shit to do that just say thanks professor I'm looking forward to your class in the fall next year. I personally would like to just kick my geography of U.S. and Canada professor in the junk and walk away but that might get me in jail...
The second best part of finals is that this is your time to finally ask out that guy or girl in your class that was the reason behind you going not because of the awesome lectures. Go ask that person out what are they going to do? Say no, you're never possibly going to see them again, no harm no foul. Take them out for a finals break drink at the coffee house or something sweet like that. And if all fails and s/he says no you've got all summer break to feel like a dumb ass. And if you're really lucky they're graduating and you'll never see them again.
In desperate times, calls for desperate measures. A way to help with you anxiety and sleep deprivation is a chemical boost. Some are better than others. Even I have resorted back to the good old days of drinking my pop and enjoying my caffeine boost for that hour and a half. That red bull is going to do you a hell of good if you can't stay awake to study your boring crap. Many say stay away from the alcohol this week but I say why not go for it. This quite possibly could lead to the other form of stress reliever, sexual activity. But don't go too overboard with this one it could cause many problems down the road. Hey maybe it could even be with that cute person from the class mentioned above.
Finally you can really take the challenge intellectually on finals week. Sure you haven't been to class since the first week and you got at D on your midterms....I don't care. You can learn the entire course with 3 dews and a full 24 hour cram before the test. Just think about this one, remember when you were a freshman and thought you had to go to every class. All the test prep you did was definitely less than 24 hours per class. That means for the rest of the time you did jack shit. So if you really are stuck in this situation you've got time. You can do it, but it might help if you have the notes from someone so you have some sort of idea.
So that's it guys remember study with a buddy if you can then if they are a hot buddy you can go relieve some of your other stresses. Just kidding I don't promote that kind of stuff. I just wrote this since my hand hurt from writing my stupid physics definitions. Remember Ben and jerry can be you best friend as well as chocolate. Sleep is always a good thing to but remember to set your alarm that would suck!With all this being said enjoy the worst week of the semester, you'll make it through like the rest of us. Enjoy your summer it's less than 5 days away.

Help! I need somebody...

"Black bird singing in the dead of night

take these broken wings and learn to fly

all your life.

You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

take these soaken eyes and learn to see

all your life

you were only waiting for this moment to be free."

Today was BEAUTIFUL outside, I even added a few freckles to my face and color to my skin. I have been super busy dealing with life and Green Bay all at the same time. There for I have been avoiding this so I am going to try to sit down and write something creative and spunky. (sorry if I disappoint you in this one) I have less than 10 days left of living here in Green bay with the girls that I do. I don't know how I feel about this...I have been trying to so hard to love these girls the way they are and try to make the best of what I am dealt with. I don't know if i'm going to miss them or not I know I'll miss more than others for sure. there will be a lot less drama and problems brough into my life without me living with them. don't get me wrong i love the girls to death but I don't know if living with them would be the best thing. To make it short I am ready to get out of this place and into a new one.

It's coming in stages with this whole losing my family thing. It has it's up and its down. I know I'll break down when I finally get home for the summer. I know it's going to be bad as the summer rolls on to the final days in the E.C. That's when it's going to be tough. It will be weird not seeing and talking to the people I have come to know and love around here. That's what the summer is for I guess. Just to let you all know save the date of the last weekend in July. You are invited to the moving out of the house/aubs' half birthday celebration at my house. There'll be more to come as the day comes closer. Maybe to cure my sadness of losing my family a pint of ben and jerry's and crawling up in a ball and sobbing might help.

Tomorrow is game night with a bunch of my good friends and I am pumped. It does mean however I need to get everything done tonight, oh well I have the physics and the paper done. Just have to get ready for the abnormal psych test tomorrow. I know that stuff though....super well.

Finally I got a message from kelley and here is how to solve my problem With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible ~Matthew 19:26 Just have to believe in God and know he'll take care of me.

I love you all more than you know and hope today is awesome and tomorrow is even better!

It's always you and my big dreams

I don't know how to put this all into words, except that life sucks. It's getting to me that I'm losing my family for good. Nothing is going to be the way it is right now. I feel like things keep getting worse and as much as I try to make it better it doesn't help. I'm depressed and really just want to crawl in a hole and break down from everything going on in my life. I'm losing the most important thing in my whole life and I don't know if I am going to be able to survive it. I feel trapt here and unable to do anything about it. I feel like I am putting on a smile to make everyone else happy when really I should be focusing on myself, but I can't do that. I need to stop thinking about all of this but it won't happen. Nobody will ever understand what I am going through so I am alone in this pain.....

If home is where your heart is.. I'm losing my heart one piece at a time

"A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it."~ George Moore

Listen to Styrofoam by Daniel Powter...(great song, and is my mood right now)

This weekend was the last time I would travel to Eau Claire home for the weekend in college. It was sad weekend really, as much as I tried to make it a happy one. The trip to the E.C. was a tough one trying not to think that making this trip back and fourth wouldn't be done next year. Friday was good seeing everyone I did during an Easter dinner at Cheryl's house. It was kind of ruined later when my mom mentioned that I needed to take stuff off of my walls for when she shows the house. I guess it gives the buyer the idea of them living there make it look like nobody lives there as much as possible. This was pretty tough, especially taking down all my posters and things on my wall that made my room MY room. I left a few things up for me to take down before I left on sunday so it didn't look as bare as it would have.

Saturday was spent shopping for easter things as well as watching Ian play his tennis match. he definately isn;t like me. I hate losing and he kind of just gave up after his first game thinking that there was no point in going on or trying. It made me mad but what can you do? I crashed on the couch at 8 and slept through dying eggs and everything that night, and woke up at 9 am sunday morning, I think I might have been tired.

Easter was nice and all that but weird knowing it would be the last one in my house I've grown up in and known almost all my life. I later started to go into my room taking down all my posters leaving my walls essentially bare, that was tough, I almost broke down but it hasn't really hit me offically yet. It will and I'm trying to prepare myself as well as I can for it. I don't think anything I can do to prepare will help though. I even took down almost all my glow in the dark stars that were on my walls, which was sad. My mom even came up to box things up from my desk like my million trophies and metals that were going to go to be stored in North Carolina. My desk that once was full of things that were memorable to me in my life was almost completely empty... Now I currently have tons of posters, glow in the dark stars, and pictures just chillin' in the trunk of my car in the parking lot. I'm not sure I want to drop it off to the house yet, it might make it more final then I want to think it is.

This was only part one of the sadness of this weekend. I also had the job of saying goodbye to my puppy lily. my family decided that they couldn't take care of her anymore and that she was being super mean to my dog Sally. Sally came first she's the important one. So Lily is going to the pound on tuesday and I had to say goodbye. It sucks because I feel like we failed Lily and are giving up and hopefully someone will be happy with her but I really loved that puppy of mine. So thats where the tears really came but I guess it's the best for both us and lily to have a family that has time to take care of her. So that is my depressing weekend, hopefully things will get better this week but it doesn't look like it with a major term project and two major tests that happen this week... Life is what you make it I guess.

Wham Bam Thank You....

It is right now 7:05 in the am and I have finally returned home for the night. Yes tonight had it's twists and turns but most of all I enjoyed myself. I went to a dumb party but it was okay but then I went and hung out with a new friend (I think, or hope) of mine. We chilled watched movies and all that jazz. We also got to talking, and talking, and wait some more talking. I learned a lot about this kid who I wrote off as some cocky ass hole who really wasn't worth getting to know. I was wrong, first impressions are hard to break. Tonight was one of those nights that first impressions were broken. I was completely wrong in what I thought and really the kid is total opposite than that... It was awesome talking to him and getting to know him better. It was such an awesome talk that I wish we could have more of them. Maybe one day but right now I am starting to feel tired as hell. So lesson for tonight kids is don't always stick with your first impressions people may pleasantly surprise you.

Are you happy now?

"If you love the music, sing the words loud
If you know the lyrics, scream them and shout
You can feel at home here,
you'e all among friends
So let' dance 'tl the music ends
Let' dance 'tl the music ends"
~Epic Hero


I've come to the conclusion that people who wear headphones while they walk, are much happier, more confident, and more beautiful individuals than someone making the solitary drudge to class without acknowledging their own interests and power. Even those who walk/run for fitness tend to have a different look of concentration based on whether or not they're in tune with their tunes.

I went months without listening to music. Because not having my ipod with and it being in the shop forever I have become one of those who have forgotten their power. But I finally have a relationship with my ipod again THANK GOD. This handy tool box of music has brought a variety of music back into my life in ways that make me the happiest person on campus. I finally am able to use my headphones again. Headphones with music playing makes me smile. Smiles evoke confidence. Confidence provokes the lack of fear. No fear equals anything is possible. I see it in everyone else with headphones on. I'm not sure whether they're rocking out to an audio book, listening to their prof. lecture before a big test (yeah right), listening to a homemade recording of their latest sexual escapade, truly feeling the newest backstreet boys album, or learning Japanese. The secret remains with the listener. I love that mystery. And maybe that's why every person who passes me who is engulfed in their own giant land of imagination. I love seeing people smile and walk around without a care in the world. Even the guy with the cd player who has to keep his steps light so as not to skip his ancient cd's is having a better time than the guy who is trying to make it to class while remembering what the formula was for newton's second law.

I was plagued by a bad shuffle this moring. I hate when that happens. I was on my walk. Minding my own smiles and enjoying the smell of spring, meanwhile making a list of what to delete ASAP on my ipod. Each time I advanced the shuffle command another hideous song that I'm tired of hearing came on. Usually my ipod is able to tell what mood I am in and what would be the best songs to play, today was not one of them. It might be a sort of revenge it is playing on me because I sent it away for over to months to get worked on. Maybe we'll be more in sync tomorrow...
~aubs

Me and my not so little brother

I'm back

Back in the GB and I'm bored so I got this from Shell....
So yeah read on. Go to itunes, winamp, or windows media player to answer the following . Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarassing it is.

Number of songs: 2585 7.3 Days 9.95 GB

Sort by song-
First: #34 Dave Matthews Band both from under the table and dreaming and Weekend on the rocks
Last: Zee Deevel Incubus

Sort by time-
Shortest:Untitled by Epic Hero 0:03 seconds
Longest:Two step by dave matthews band- live at central park 17:32

Sort by artist-
First:3 doors down
Last: zz top

Sort by album-
First: 1.22.04 Maroon 5's acoustic album
Last: youth by collective soul

Search the key word and see how many songs appear:
"Sex": 3
"Death": 49
"Love": 100
"You": 383
"Me": 630
''Drugs'': 1
''Hate'': 12
Search for your own name, how many?: 0 big suprise there

Do The Shuffle!
Shuffle your library and list the first five songs. No padding your playlist you hipster, you. Be honest!!
I miss you- Incubus
American Girl- Counting Crows
Funny how it fades away- Third Eye Blind
Torn-Creed
Rhyme and reason-DMB


I have to go home tonight because I have 3 doctors appointments on tuesday morning and an interview to be the manager at the pool at noon. AHH wish me luck... It'll be a fun ride home tonight in the dark but good news is that I finally have my ipod back and it works!!

The death of me...

Hopefully I will be able to leave north carolina because if I don't leave here it'll be because i'm in jail for murder. I am going to kill someone. I can not take it anymore.....ARGH!

It's a bird, it's a PLANE!!

"I'm leavin' on a jet plane, and I don't know when I'll be back again."

I am off to the land where being white is the minority and where everyone is y'all. I'm off to the land where there is winter flowers that bloom and there is no snow on the ground for more than a day. I am off to the land where my family is going to call home. I'm off to the land where I can wear my shorts and tee and not be cold. I am off to a land where my new house is already built, framed, and has a roof. I am off to the land of Greensboro, North Carolina.

I leave on a plane out of Green Bay to the other land of green at 2:40 today. I have lots to get done still like packing everything. For some reason I can't find my two magazines that I bought for the trip. Hopefully they'll show up when I look harder. (I must admit writing this is tough with a metal splint on your finger) Today I not only get to see my whole family but I also will get to see my friend travis. Travis is home on break for 15 days and it just happens I have a long layover in Minneapolis and can meet up with him for a little bit. It'll be awesome to see him, I'm super pumped. I get to fly out from Minneapolis to Greensboro with my brother Ian and one of my best friends Sarah. It's going to be a fun ride. I don't know how much I will be online when I am there but when I can I'll try to write in here to update y'all. I must get going I have a meeting with my advisor to sign my sheet for my major. Hope everyone has a fun and safe spring break!

something's missing....from my pinky finger.

"I'm not alone, I wish I was. Cause then I'd know I was down because I couldn't find a friend around, to love me like they do right now. Something's missing, and I don't know how to fix it. Something's missinging and I don't know what it is. No I don't know what it is. Something's diffrent. And I don't know what it is."~John Mayer

My pinky finger is certified as broken. I've chipped off a piece of bone in the second joint. So something really is missing from my finger. This weekend was a very fun yet very crappy weekend. At times things were awesome and then at others things sucked majorly. All I have to keep telling myself is that in less than 4 days I am going to be in nice, sunny, warm north carolina with the people I love. From what I know this week is going to be easy, no homework except physics, and absolutly no tests!! I would write more but it's time for me to head off to breakfast in the nic with Timmy and get out of this expos hole of boredom.

what's the shape of a current carrying wire

"I don't like violence."
"Why is that?"
"Because if someone tried to hurt me I would kill them." ~Brandon when talking to Erica about violent people

I hurt my pinky pretty hard core playing basketball last night. It's bruised and swollen to about the size of a hot dog. I think it might be broken but what can you do? I would like to see a small finger cast put on it, that'd be funny. I get to go home tomorrow but there's a lot of things that I have to get through before I get to see the fam. I have a first aid test today and a huge physics test tomorrow. I guess i feel like I'm never going to get it done. But like my mom says how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. So I'm going to start eating

Pretending there's glamour...

"This place is a prison and these people aren't your friends. I know there's a big world out there like the one I saw on the screen. In my living room late last night, It was almost too bright to see. And I know that it's not a party if it happens every night." ~The Postal Service


Done, is this what you wanted all along?
When you try to turn all the negative into a positive, you can't do it anymore and it eventually sucks you in.
I just want to yell....
It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back.
I get the reason why the little big one listens to this music now, makes sense
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU.
One step closer to the edge and I'm about to.
72, 1928 and a million reason why to leave now

You made the choices to do what you're doing. Don't complain
choices you make lead to consequences. All you are doing is going to fail and get a MRS degree.
All of you.
I know what I want do you?
Just ask don't go around it, they always FIND OUT!
Two words: SUCK UP
You are no better than the scum you came from and lived in
7 weeks to the day was a good streak, but everything must come to an end.
This is one of them
Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal

I love desserts with loved ones
I love my loved ones
I love too much and it kills me each time
False hope of caring always is worse than the hope.
I want to be in a state of bliss, but will I ever get that?
I love my lily vanilly and my sally o'mally if only they could be here right now.
Finally I love my mom she's the bestest ever!

I'm feelin' more alone than I ever have before...

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances."~Martha Washington

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me." ~Rent


As I currently write this there is a pow-wow going on in the next room. Why I am not there? Because I don't want to deal with things. I have been replaced and it's slowly starting to work it's way into my life by the others I live with. It's depressing, knowing that you're replaceable. I don't want to hear about the plans, especially when you are told there's no reason for you to even be there, that hurt a lot. The giggling, the laughs, and the remeniscing is stabbing me slowly each and every time. I can't get away from it. The worst part is that the girl who is moving in with them is not like them at all. It was one of the girl's roomies last year and they didn't get along, why do it again? It's not like I had much of a choice in the whole situation. Maybe it's a wink saying that it's the right thing to be doing. I'm lost, hurt, maybe even jealous, and down to the last bit of nothing, next thing that comes along is going to crush me. Maybe I'll just avoid going over there next year, it's going to be weird, who knows, but this sucks. Adios kids, I'm sure you'll find someone else to replace me as well....

Yesterday Afternoon I had a conversation with my friend Travis who is over in Iraq. After we talked it has been something I can't get out of my head. I definitely could tell that Travis is having a hard time over there. I can tell that he has definitely changed, I'm not sure for good or bad. I do know that he's coming home soon, so hopefully I'll be able to go see him and all that jazz. I thought that Trav was over there flying spy planes in some warehouse not worrying about a thing or being in danger. Boy was I wrong. When the planes crash they have to go get them as well as make runs to get parts for their planes. He also is in a place that is heavily occupied with insurgents still.
Studlyskier: i've shot almost 900 rounds here
Studlyskier: like, shot at someone/somethinmg
I asked him if he had killed anyone, he took awhile to answer and said yeah a few. I have so much respect for him it's crazy, I never could be in the position that he is in. I feel for him.
I can tell being over there has taken a toll on him mentally. All I can do is just pray that he'll make it home safe and in one piece.

Wow okay next one isn't going to be depressing I promise....

isn't it weird

"So shine the light on all of your friends."
"It's your god forsaken right to be loved, loved loved." ~Jason Mraz

This weekend was a very nice relaxing weekend, that was much needed. I got to come home and be with my family and enjoy eau claire. It was nice to sleep with my mom. I just finished a book called God winks, and to be quite honest, it was amazing. I don't even know how to relate everything that was brought up to what is going on with my life now. This weekend was definately interesting though to say the least, things that happened definately wasn't what I was expecting. I guess maybe that's why it's this crazy thing we call life and we all have no idea except for the big guy upstairs. I'm going to go finish my laundry and stuff and then I'm heading back to green bay to start the massive studying for my abnormal psych and physics tests on thursday. Good news is that I don't have geography at all this next week how sweet is that!?!
party on kids

Why is the ultimate answer?

"Today was a day just like any other."~Jack's Mannequin

I really have been questioning everything recently that has been going on with my life and the people around me. Like why am I really even doing this school thing? what if there is more for me out there. Why don't I just go and do volunteer work over in africa to help the poor starving children? Why did I decide to stay here while my family is moving to Greensboro? Why is it that valentine's day is for showing your expressions of love, but really just make those without a special someone feel that much more lonely? Why does time go so fast when you need it and so slow when you just want it to be the certain time? How can you only have one soulmate out there in the world? Is mine out there? What if I have already met my soulmate and lost my chance? What happens if I never find my soul mate, will I constantly be questioning if there is someone better out there than the one guy i'm with? When is late too late? What if I want the love of my life now, but ultimately it's not going to come? Why do most of the time we get what we want but not what we need? What happens if the world was to end tomorrow what would we all do? Why does life almost always revolve around night and day? What if I want to go to bed at 5 pm and wake up at 3 am and go to school? You name it I've been questioning it. Maybe it's a phase I'm going through right now...hopefully it'll pass oh and the ultimate question is WHY DOES MY IPOD ALWAYS BREAK??? Can apple actually make a dependable ipod for once that doesn't go to crap?

If any of you have answers to these questions feel free to shoot me an e-mail or a comment.
Peace out shorty

Insert your own birthday idea here...

"Just think in ten years we are going to be married and poppin' out kids." ~Erica Teclaw

Yes today is my birthday and I am moving out of my teenage years and into my adulthood, scary!! So when I woke up today I thought that I would have this feeling of being older, but really it's just another day. Why are birthday's such a big deal?? I'm going to get the most I can out of this one, because turning 20 isn't all that great. today is my longest day every for classes so i'm already going to be cranky. Hopefully things will be better and today will be a good day....oh the power of the mornings. I'll update you more on the day later. Oh yeah and putz has made it his mission to give me 20 birthday spankings, he's already gotten me once. He doesn't realize that I am going to be putting up one hell of a fight!!
peace out homies!

the weird things make us special

"What you want is what you've not got, and what you need is all around you."~Dave


I just have a quick couple of things to make a comment on.
I HATE wednesdays, I'm all over campus from 9 to 5 pm all day with an hour break that is it. I hate it and it's so exhausting that I can barely work at all tonight on what I need done for tomorrow.

2nd comment
I hate shaving it's a bitch to do and I really don't see any point in doing it.

3rd: It's my pre-birthday week that's right kids i've got a week left until my birthday how sweet is that

4th: Happy birthday MOM!!!! sorry I can't be there to celebrate with you

5th: I need sleep so I'm going to get it

My pre-birthday gift pre-actually going to the gift

So right now I'm chillin' in Mad-town, the land of badgers and beer. The reason I am here is due to the fact that Jamie decided to take me to the Badger hockey game against colorado. I'm super pumped and we haven't even really started out of the apartment of her sister Jackie's. We're just chillin' here and then on the way to the Great Dane and walking around state street before the hockey game tonight. I am so super pumped even though I've got a week and half till the birthday fun arises. Last night was very fun and interesting. I started this game called CHEST. I saw it on the show 4 kings with Putz thursday and last night decided to start up the fun. Right before leaving for dinner I nailed putz right in the chest. Starting the inevitable doom of the apartments.

The Offical Rules of CHEST!
1. The person who is currently it has to suprise the potential "it" person
2. You must hit the person in the chest
3. You can not hit anyone else in the chest unless you are it, (you'll throw the circle of life off that way)
4. If you are hit in the chest you can't get even and punch back
5. When you hit the person in the chest you must yell CHEST!
6. After hitting someone in the chest you must run away as fast as you can.
7. The game never ends and you can hit girls


There were some massive hits and knocked a few of the lungs out of some people. It was crazy cool. So enjoy the chest game and party hard kids, I know I'm going to be for the rest of the night!!
LET THE DRINKING BEGIN!!

My flight out of the north to the south

"I'm leavin' on a jet plane and I don't know when I'll be back again."

As I write this first installment blog on my trip to visit the future location of the lux family, Greensburo North Carolina, I am waiting for my plane in Chicago O’Hare. I have a 3 hour layover and this waiting for my next flight thing is killin’ me. I’ve already wandered as much as a person can around this airport. I got the pleasure of enjoying the rainbow tunnel with the moving sidewalks not once but twice. I might just have to go and take a picture. My flight from Green Bay to Chicago was less than 30 minutes in the air. We spend more time on the ground waiting for a terminal than actually flying. I sat next to this fairly strange girl. I shouldn’t say girl but she was in her early twenties just a little older than me. She smelled really funny, not a bad stinky smell but a weird smell. She had her Columbia jacket on as well which gave me little to no moving space in my already tiny seat. So I get to O’Hare and wander around trying to find a sit down restaurant. It looked for awhile and finally gave up because I was sick of my heavy backpack. I ended up at a very packed chili’s. I was by myself in a very cramped air port restaurant. They didn’t have anything to offer for a variety of foods, just bugers. I waited for over 20 minutes before my waitress came over, a waiteress I must say that didn’t know very much English or was able to talk to me in very much English. I got my buger and Caesar salad, which was good enough for me. I saw some players from the UMass guys b-ball team, man were they tall. After getting weird looks at by this one married couple which I came up with their whole story in my head, I got out of there and off to my much needed starbucks for a cappacino. That brings me to where I am currently, sitting at my terminal B22 waiting for my flight to be called and boarded at 3:20. It doesn’t’ help that I would just rather get on a plane and go instead of this waiting around. I must admit though there are very interesting people here. It must be due to the fact of it being international, there is a very weird girl about 25 who has a cat with her and her friend traveling on the plane. Her friend has this crazy tattoo on her left wrist as well as a very interesting array of necklaces. She has one with something that looks like a vile filled with some sort of a liquid, hopefully not blood, but I can’t tell. She also has a crystal hanging from her neck….Maybe she’s a witch that’d be cool to say I was near a witch. But I found out who wrote one amazing comment on my blog, that person will remain anonymous unless they don’t mind. But that comment rocked the shiznit for sure. Well I’m going to go read one of my many magazines that I have and maybe take a name before I board, I’ve got 2 hours to kill might as well do something productive with it. Catch on the flip side.

My new best friend...that I don't know of

After that last post I had made I felt great getting that off of my chest. But there were other people out there who seemed to have the need to argue with me about my opinons. Well I then saw this comment from someone. I have no idea who this person is, I asked the people who I know who normally read my blog but none of them wrote it, all thought that it was a great comment. So here is the comment....

Anonymous said...

Alright Aubs. A comment, all for you.

First and foremost, I've noted that some girls do this. They stay with their boyfriend as long as they can, then break up with him as soon as there is another potential guy waiting. The deal with her not wanting to tell "Nate" was that she could possibly use him as a backup if they current situation (with this new guy "Putz?") didn't work. I've seen this enough, and sadly using the "bail method" rarely works.

Although, she may claim that she's fine, and that there was nothing between her and this first guy (Mike?), but in essense, she's had it planned all out to date someone else.

It's not inevitable what happened. Also, people are able to read one another easier than some can hide. Why should someone need to mask their emotions and keep them in the dark from everyone? Wouldn't it be easier if things were out in the open?

You were fine telling "Nate" the details, since he has obviously noted something, and he needed to know. It must have been harder than imagined to hide the breakup, and he felt that he needed to know rather than making a judgement. (Amazing an interested/concerned guy will ask rather than make his move.)

Also, (even though I'm not sure with the relationship between "Nate" and "Erica", but I'm guessing) that he was concerned. Maybe he felt the need to comfort her that they had broken up. No one likes to find out three months later than they had broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

As I sat and analyzed, I've realized more girls are beginning to turn this way. But this is what I see. It's not like my opinion would matter, but indeed, something needs to be voiced. Right on for free speech.

7:32 PM

Whoever wrote that I must say that it made my day. It was a perfect reaction to my blog and it shows that I am not the only one out there who feels this is wrong in how to treat people. If you'd like to e-mail me and let me know who you are that'd be great because I just want to tell you mucho gracias. I'll keep you all updated on who it is and if they want to be let out what thir real name is.

Bitch doesn't just stand for a female dog...

***************WARNING: By me writing in here I am going to be told I'm telling everyone anything and everything. From now on if you don't want to know you can stop reading right now, but there is a right called freedom of speech so I'm going to enjoy it********************

I've got nothing better to do than write these ugly letters Touche, but the glove is tattered, it's frayed in the dirt as if that mattered To lay down and die is easy, it's harder to live for what you believe The dynamite is lit but you're afraid to throw it, There's no room for gray, it's a choice and you know it. It's always something, more important that comes between. Always something, and it adds up to nearly nothing How can you be so shameless? Uncertain and nameless? And I'm cursing every moment I've bartered, trying to figure out how this started. To quit before you fail is easy, it's so convenient not to believe in anything. The fuse is getting shorter and you're still afraid to throw it. When it finally blows, is when you'll finally know it. It's always something, more important that comes between...Always something, and it adds up to nearly nothing. All regrets return to stay, they remember every word you say. And as they turn inside your head, know I consider you...
~Cary Judd


I am super mad and I am going to write this all in here. My roommate Erica can't be single for more than a week in her life. It's a sign I think that she's really that insecure about herself and needs someone to assure that she's really okay. Maybe being on your own isn't a bad thing, i think i would know this... You really need to learn to be on your own, learn who you are as a person. A wise man once said you can not love anything until you truly know who you are and love yourself for being that person. You come into this life on your own and you leave this life on your own. The only person you have to answer to is yourself. Obviously she is not comfortable in her own skin. That does suck. I am so mad right now I am going to talk to Residence life tomorrow and see if I can move out. I'm sick of dealing with all of this dumb shit and drama. I get yelled at for telling this guy nate that she and her boyfriend broke up. He noticed his name was off the stocking and that she was sad so I told him. He asked I'm not going to lie to him about it. So i get this Instant message from erica oh wait you can read it....But she broke up with her boyfriend Mike on the 20th of December and is now dating this other guy Adam which I guess started on the 28th. (I found out all this information from her now boyfriend adam) Wow that's a lot of healing time for you to do especially since you said that you loved mike. Oh and the best part is, she's done this not just to mike but the past 3 boyfriends she has had (if not more) in the past she has broken up with them and come to find out starts dating a new guy in less than a week. How can you trust anyone like that? You're just a person filling a place until some better guy walks on by and then you're dumped. But here's the conversation...

UNC Soccerchic14 (10:25:43 PM): are you and putz official now?
ESkierGirl (10:26:33 PM): umm yeah we are
UNC Soccerchic14 (10:26:50 PM): thanks for telling me
ESkierGirl (10:27:18 PM): you knwo what aubs i'msorry sometimes i cant tell you things because yougo and tell others right away
UNC Soccerchic14 (10:27:28 PM): since i talk to everyone
UNC Soccerchic14 (10:27:34 PM): thanks a lot
ESkierGirl (10:27:35 PM): like telling nate that mike and i broke up
ESkierGirl (10:27:40 PM): it wasnt even 2 hours
UNC Soccerchic14 (10:27:40 PM): he asked
ESkierGirl (10:27:41 PM): come on
UNC Soccerchic14 (10:27:46 PM): screw that
ESkierGirl (10:29:36 PM): but you didnt have to tell nate that
UNC Soccerchic14 (10:29:49 PM): he noticed the stocking name was gone and asked
ESkierGirl (10:29:59 PM): and you could have said i cant talk about it
ESkierGirl (10:30:01 PM): or ask erica
UNC Soccerchic14 (10:30:04 PM): i did
ESkierGirl (10:30:05 PM): shes right there in the room
ESkierGirl (10:30:23 PM): well i'm sorry it still hurt me
UNC Soccerchic14 (10:30:24 PM): but fuck it you're never going to believe me anyways I'm always the wrong one so whatever

Great best friend I have there folks. I know when I'm being lied to and I see right through it. One more reason for me to move to north carolina. Thank you erica for making my decision that much easier!!!!
Oh yeah and i found out why erica and bejya both started talking to me online, they read my blog. HAHAHA read right through that one too, nice job guys better luck next time and don't make it so obvious and maybe try to make me feel a little better about my so-called "friends"

Matt and I had a great convo tonight at dinner and it's definitely made my view on things a little better....No worries till you have to deal with it. I'm gone in less than 5 days to North Carolina, at least it's warm and green there with fun people.

Wow I feel a lot better. I'll end with some Guster

"I find a need to be a demon. A demon cannot be hurt When I speak I cross my fingers Will you know you’ve been deceived? I find a need to be the demon A demon cannot be hurt."~Demons