Sometimes you're the windsheild and sometimes you're the bug....I'm definitely the bug

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, somewhere along the bitterness, and I would have stayed up with you all night, had i known how to save a life."~The Fray


This past weekend I got to go home to North Carolina to see my family which was amazing and something I definitely needed. But there was something that happened with Johnnie that caused him to want his space to get over his episode. He won't even talk to me at all anymore, and it hurts. I want to be there for him as a friend and a girlfriend but he doesn't even want to speak to me. It's hard because we were with each other all the time and now to have no communication at all kills me. Everyone says I should just say screw him but I can't this boy has changed my view on life drastically. This whole thing with him has definitely made me feel unwanted and unloved by him. I wish he would understand that I want to help him and I am here for him and care for him but he won't even allow me that chance to tell him. It hurts really bad. I wish I was back with my mom who helped me out and showed that she cared. This week sucks I've got 2 exams, a quiz, and a lab report due. Hell week and everyone is leaving this weekend so I've got the house all to myself. On a good note I get my love sac on Thursday and I can get some of my aggression out on that when trying to break it into pieces. Bad note is that I pulled my hamstring pretty hard core and probably won't play in tomorrow's game. I've started talking to cory and we're good again, and I like it for some reason we always find a way back to each other. He's found a place where he can be completely happy with his life and I'm glad for that. I want it to be the weekend already and it's only Tuesday. My little brother wrote this amazing poem and I love it. He doesn't know this but I love him a lot and wish I could be there to help him through these tough times. I think I'm failing both my brothers as a sister which breaks my heart...I'll make it up to them one day hopefully. Here's my brothers poem...explains my state of emotions the past few days.


The feeling i have

the feeling inside

something i hate

and is ment to hide

A little less Human

A little less me

A little less emotion

although you cant see

It start at the age of three

and progrssed through school

and up to now

and all i know is its not cool

A little less human

A little less me

A little less emotion

although you wont see

Now there are no tears

but not because im to proud to cry

its because i cant

and i dont know why

A little less human

A little less me

A little less emotion

But maybe you will see

now this afliciton i cant control

ive seeked help fom above

its what keeps me alive now

and that thing is love

A little less human

A little less me

A little less emotion

Hope you now will see
~Ian Lux