How old did you turn?
I turned 22 years young. Weird that it wasn't even eventful birthday fun. I did get cake sent to me by my parents that was delicious!
Did you have a party?
I tried but nobody came except for people i barely knew which was awkward, very awkward!
What school did you go to?
The good old university of Wisconsin green bay that I graduated from!
Tell us about something good that happened:
I graduated...that's good, right??
Are you happy with who you have become?
Yes but I'm always changing that is the only constant in life. I'm happy with who I am right at this very second it'll change in about the next second!
Did you fall in love?
Yes with a four legged furry animal named Lucy abbey road. She's the cutest dog ever. In love with a person only my new niece Addy Bella.
Done anything you regret?
I try to life my life with out any regrets. I don't really regret anything
Did you kiss anyone?
of course
Did you go on any holidays?
My holiday to my home in north Carolina count?
Did you go on any camps?
nope I didn't have time to do that.
Did you see any movies at the cinemas?
the dark knight, twilight and a few others but i can't remember
Tell us a song you were hooked on:
You found me by the fray
Did you go to the beach?
nope sad....
Did you get really dressed up for anything?
I had to dress up for graduation that was about it
Tell us some inside jokes for the year:
you are such a rock star! BAM!
Tell us the funniest thing that happened?
gosh there are so many!
Tell us the saddest thing that happened:
Having to say goodbye to the friends that have turned into family for me here in Wisconsin. It sucks because who knows when I'll see them again.
Tell us something that really made you smile:
my family, and friends, and a rock star
What are your plans for New Years?
Working and hoping to get that kiss at midnight. : )
Will you be getting a midnight kiss?
I don't believe so but I can dream, there is the possibility for sure, he's just gotta be there when I am
What are you most looking forward to next year?
The starting of a new chapter in my life down in North Carolina. Starting from the beginning, also seeing where this boy thing takes me.
Tell us something you plan on changing for next year?
I plan on writing a blog every single day.
Are you happy with what happened this year?
For the most part, yes...
Was 2008 your best year?
I think my best years are yet to come...
Monday, December 29, 2008
A year in review...
So it's almost the end of 2008, and how as it been well I guess that's for you to decide. But here's a recap of the past 12 months of my life in 2008.
January
January
- This month was a tough month. Right away there were set backs with my life. My family thought I wasn't happy and was getting down on myself. They said I needed to get better, it was a hard time but I'm way better now than I was then.
- January also brought the top 61 songs of 2007 hopefully you enjoyed them. There will be a top songs of 2008 coming very soon
- I also got to experience the wrath of a sharpie marker on my shoes and enjoyment of that. I will were my "sweet ass kicks" or "kicks sweet ass" shoes with pride.
- I lost my best friend from moving out of the house that was amazing. My birthday was hell and hopefully it won't be that bad ever again. But it was just a birthday nothing important. I had a lot of hurt and pain I was experiencing with the loss of my best friend just up and leaving without a goodbye. I've moved on and so has she but we've grown and are better for it. We will never be the same like we were back then but people change.
- Still no valentine on valentine's day, man that really sucks. Maybe one day I'll have one, until then I will enjoy the true title of the day as Singles Awareness Day also know as SAD
- March brought many ideas of love and hope into my life. More than what I've had before but that's okay.
- "You have to make room in your heart and your life for things that matter. It is not enough to dream. The dreaming comes easy. You have things to do. You have choices to make. It is the same with loving another person. It is not enough to say you do, or to love them when it's convenient. you have to love them every day. You have to learn their story. You have to never stop learning it. You have to listen. You have to cherish and protect.
Maybe also because true love requires risk. requires chance. we give our hearts away... we talk about forever. we believe. but many things end this side of heaven. we are fragile. our hearts break. we don't know how to stop something that we said would last forever..."
- March also brought along my belief in an African American president that would allow for change in my life and others. It allowed me to discuss my beliefs and why I'm choosing to vote for him in the primaries. I still wonder what would happen if Huckabee stayed in it, I would have voted for him. But my expression of my choices brought many fights between my family of very strong republicans. Even with my 9 year old brother who knew the "facts"
- The biggest moment in March would be getting my tattoo for my grandfather. Yup it has finally happened and was done. It was one of the greatest highlights of 2008. My grandpa Paul will be with me every where I go, no matter what he's with me every step I take.
- "He had this connection and peace with doves when he was near the end of his battle with cancer. He said that he would send one whenever we were in a need of comfort or peace. I may not have seen a snow white dove like he has but I have seen many a mourning dove. It is a nice reminder that he’s always watching over me. He and I were very close, I was his first and only grand-daughter. I was the only one he really got to know and see grow up. He told my mom that she couldn’t have any more children after me because, there is no way god could create such an amazing angel again. I have been thinking about this tattoo ever since he passed away. I finally found one I liked and thought about it for a little bit longer. My mom said that she had to be there to get it so I got it down here in Greensboro at Little John’s Tattoo Shop. It was a nice sign that the heart on the left side made a P, I know that he would have loved it. Now no matter what my grandpa will be with me(even though I know he has been with me ever since he has been gone), with anything I do in life. I know he would be proud of me his very own knuckle head, and he’ll always be my gooney bird. So this one is for you Grandpa Paul, I miss you and love you. I’m sure you’re up there making everyone laugh and causing a ruckus. I’ll do my best to keep it crazy fun down here just for you."
- Jason Mraz released his album we sing we dance we steal things. Amazing album and loved every song on it (almost). I also was a big fan of the ep's he released with the album that you could get. Thumbs up to you buddy!
- April also brought an almost insight to changing myself and who I am with life. I liked it. As of this day I'm still working on it but it's getting there.
- "What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me. Root for others.
Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.
Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that.
And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous life, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you."
- May wasn't very eventful, well it was but I was very busy. With opening a new best buy mobile department in Best buy, to finals, to moving, to saying goodbye to a house with so many memories.
- I moved out of my house and said goodbye to the last remaining member of the Kathy Peterson Plex, Reid. We had a wonderful reminiscence about what was good and what went bad but over all we had a blast.
- But may was busy, veryyyy busy why there weren't any blogs
- This was another major event in my life. Miss Lucy Abbey Road made her way into my life. The adorable little puppy had found a home before almost losing her life. I rescued her and she's been my sidekick ever since.
- June was also a time to reflect on the past relationships that I have had. The good and the bad, what I really missed. "I miss the top of the world trips, just to look at the stars and talking. I miss going to dollar movie nights on Tuesdays. I miss the connection we had, no matter what I knew you would be there. I miss the nights that turned into mornings goofing around. I miss the hugs and kisses goodnight. I miss seeing you every night. I miss having someone who would remind me exactly where I stand. I miss the guy advice I would get. I miss the crazy nights with SATC. I miss the common bond we had over things, like scary nuns and winning a stupid shirt. I miss singing at the top of our lungs to songs on the radio. I miss our dinner chats and free food that you weren’t suppose to give us. I miss roller blading trips. I miss wandering into your room late at night (knowing you’d be up, you always were) just to talk about my life.I miss our lists of why the day was awesome. I miss the crazy thoughts like why being a yellow pen must suck. i miss the part of you being my family, actual family, but you’re gone now. I might have screwed up in a lot of ways but others have too. Some are reasons I can’t even remember why we lost touch, some I remember like yesterday. But rebuilding the bridge is hard to do"
- It made me realize that it's possible for change and that it doesn't always come easy.
- July brought my saying goodbye to a friend that I have never met. It was Heath Ledgers final big performance on the big screen.
- July also brought the craziness of working full time at Best Buy. Ahhh the horrible hell I went through
- It was a rough month. Lucy and I got kicked out of our house, and moved into a new place faster than anyone could possibly move.
- I was really struggling with the fact that "the boys club" at work will always get there way. It's hard for a very strong willed independent woman to make a mark in a company run by the boys club. I'm hoping one day this will change for me if not me for those who come after. But for right now it's not....sad.
- I had to possibly say goodbyes to people for good because of them leaving for college and me moving.
- I realized I didn't get to enjoy my summer one bit at all. This will have to change next year. I will make sure of it!
- September brought the last day of the first day of my classes. My last time walking onto campus as a college student, it was crazy but wonderful.
- i had to deal with an energetic puppy who had 8 staples in her tummy that wasn't allowed to do anything physical for 2 weeks, that was a blast!
- This brought one of my favorite albums of the year. The glass passenger by Jack's Mannequin. I'm saying still If you haven't gone out to buy it NOW you're crazy!
- October also brought along my announcement officially to everyone that I was moving soon and that it was time to get our stuff together and hang out!
- OHHHHH and Panera finally opened and my enjoyment of soup came!
- The 4th of November was a day that I helped made history. I voted for the first African American president of the united states of America. Yes we can!
- November also brought the stepping down of a full time position at work and going to part time. Probably one of the best decisions of the year. It made my life easier, happier, and i was enjoying my senior year.
- This brought the second thanksgiving that i missed with my family. I didn't do anything and didn't even get mashed potatoes. I think that is a crime in my book.
- I fell in love with a song that I still can't get out of my head, You found me by the fray
- I went to my first and only game at Lambeau field with friends and it was a blast. I loved every second of it and it was against the Carolina panthers how fitting?
- I know it's not over yet but it's brought a lot of lasts for me. It was my last days of college classes ever, my last finals, my last day driving my dodge stratus (it's dead now) the last day walking on campus as an undergraduate.
- It brought me a new friend if not more which I'm so excited to explore while I'm here. I think there is something there for sure
- I GRADUATED! I am an official college graduate and it's weird, but hasn't sunk in yet. I will let you know what it feels like when it happens.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Riding the wave
Today was the day that I walked across the Weidner Center stage in my very dependable rainbow sandals, shook hands with professors, strangers, grabbed my diploma, and GRADUATED!!
I did it. Four and half years of hard work has finally paid off. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I think it will once I'm not going to school and living in Green Bay. I didn't cry like high school, I just sat through the boring of boring speakers with a giant smile on my face. I was really hoping they would bring in someone cool to talk to the class like Oprah or even just Brett Favre then maybe it would be SWEET. Not the case, we had some alumni who writes for a paper in Des Moine Iowa. I didn't even hang around to get pictures with friends afterwards. Why because I had more important engagements to attend to, like a basketball game.
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Life has been crazy the past week. My dodge stratus died at 7:45 as I turned into Main Entrance Drive on campus Wednesday. Luckily it started back up but made me late for my final and really screwed me up on that exam. But after that I took it to a dealership to have it looked at. Well 2,600 dollars to fix a car not worth that much. I guess I'm going to be going car shopping or hoping for lots of money for graduation. Having no car has lead to the possibility of me moving sooner than expected from Green Bay. Not something I'm wanting to do, I've got relationships to finish, loose ends to tie up, work responsibilities, goodbye parties to attend, and a possible new relationship to explore.
My laptop decided to die and not let me type or use my mouse. The third thing added was that my camera has pressure damage, it was discovered this morning during graduation by my parents....great stuff. Everything happens in threes so hopefully I'm done now.
But through the crap there has been some good. Some really good, things that make me smile through the storm. One of them would be a certain friend of mine. Every time we talk it brings a smile to my face. He's kind of a rock star but he would be the first to deny that (he really is, I can prove it to you if you'd like). I'm really hoping things between us work out well.
(I'm quoting my friend Chadly here for a second) "do you ever want something so incredibly detailed that you're afraid to think about it too much or say anything about it because you're afraid you'll ruin it's chances of ever happening?
it could be the smallest fleeting thought. no back story. no underlying meaning. but you want it..." just to be walking down the snow-covered street with them... breathing steam through your scarf...talking over hot cocoa...being in the same bubble with them...calling them because you want to hear their voice instead of simple words on a phone's screen...spending what little time you have with them even though you barely know them....knowing that there is a reason for this and going with it because it just works...It comes at a random moment, a time when it's not what you need, a time that just doesn't work but feeling deep down in your gut knowing it might just be the perfect time...
Although it's horrible timing, I think there might be something there. I know there is something there for sure on the other end. How do I know?
-a very quiet and NOT outgoing guy comes across the bar to say hi while I was surrounded by two guy friends. (Something he later admitted that is not normal for him. awwww)
-he makes sure I know about things going on with him that I need to attend
-the wonderful emails from him. "I did pretty well on the exam...thanks to one very smart woman :)"
-The holding of tickets for my ENTIRE family even though we might not have made it
-The wonderful studying and talking that lasted four hours which only felt like 4 minutes
-Phone calls making sure everything is okay with me, my family, and my car hahaha
-Wanting to meet my parents....when I barely know him.
-Looking for me in the stands at a very crowded environment, and finding me.
-And many many other examples.
It's weird to be liked by a him, but also fun at the same time.
So I'm going to ride this wave of whatever it is and see where it takes me, to the shore or just a massive wipe out. But whatever happens on the wave I'll learn and that's the most important thing of all.
I did it. Four and half years of hard work has finally paid off. It really hasn't sunk in yet. I think it will once I'm not going to school and living in Green Bay. I didn't cry like high school, I just sat through the boring of boring speakers with a giant smile on my face. I was really hoping they would bring in someone cool to talk to the class like Oprah or even just Brett Favre then maybe it would be SWEET. Not the case, we had some alumni who writes for a paper in Des Moine Iowa. I didn't even hang around to get pictures with friends afterwards. Why because I had more important engagements to attend to, like a basketball game.
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Life has been crazy the past week. My dodge stratus died at 7:45 as I turned into Main Entrance Drive on campus Wednesday. Luckily it started back up but made me late for my final and really screwed me up on that exam. But after that I took it to a dealership to have it looked at. Well 2,600 dollars to fix a car not worth that much. I guess I'm going to be going car shopping or hoping for lots of money for graduation. Having no car has lead to the possibility of me moving sooner than expected from Green Bay. Not something I'm wanting to do, I've got relationships to finish, loose ends to tie up, work responsibilities, goodbye parties to attend, and a possible new relationship to explore.
My laptop decided to die and not let me type or use my mouse. The third thing added was that my camera has pressure damage, it was discovered this morning during graduation by my parents....great stuff. Everything happens in threes so hopefully I'm done now.
But through the crap there has been some good. Some really good, things that make me smile through the storm. One of them would be a certain friend of mine. Every time we talk it brings a smile to my face. He's kind of a rock star but he would be the first to deny that (he really is, I can prove it to you if you'd like). I'm really hoping things between us work out well.
(I'm quoting my friend Chadly here for a second) "do you ever want something so incredibly detailed that you're afraid to think about it too much or say anything about it because you're afraid you'll ruin it's chances of ever happening?
it could be the smallest fleeting thought. no back story. no underlying meaning. but you want it..." just to be walking down the snow-covered street with them... breathing steam through your scarf...talking over hot cocoa...being in the same bubble with them...calling them because you want to hear their voice instead of simple words on a phone's screen...spending what little time you have with them even though you barely know them....knowing that there is a reason for this and going with it because it just works...It comes at a random moment, a time when it's not what you need, a time that just doesn't work but feeling deep down in your gut knowing it might just be the perfect time...
Although it's horrible timing, I think there might be something there. I know there is something there for sure on the other end. How do I know?
-a very quiet and NOT outgoing guy comes across the bar to say hi while I was surrounded by two guy friends. (Something he later admitted that is not normal for him. awwww)
-he makes sure I know about things going on with him that I need to attend
-the wonderful emails from him. "I did pretty well on the exam...thanks to one very smart woman :)"
-The holding of tickets for my ENTIRE family even though we might not have made it
-The wonderful studying and talking that lasted four hours which only felt like 4 minutes
-Phone calls making sure everything is okay with me, my family, and my car hahaha
-Wanting to meet my parents....when I barely know him.
-Looking for me in the stands at a very crowded environment, and finding me.
-And many many other examples.
It's weird to be liked by a him, but also fun at the same time.
So I'm going to ride this wave of whatever it is and see where it takes me, to the shore or just a massive wipe out. But whatever happens on the wave I'll learn and that's the most important thing of all.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
My beginning of the end of things I've done.
So Wednesday was my last official day of classes. it was surreal thinking I wasn't going to be coming back after Christmas break to the buildings (and tunnels) I've come to know over the years. I'm excited, really excited for the new chapter in my life. I'm trying not to deal with the sadness, well I am but I'm being positive. So I decided to make a few lists of things that I have done in my 4.5 years in college.
I have moved 8 times soon to be 9. Mind you two of those times were back home to Eau Claire for the summer, but still it sucks. Probably the worse move was when there was a giant hurricane like storm sitting over top of green bay and we had to move that day. My favorite place that I lived hands down would be on Kathy Peterson. Although it was full of problems over all it was great fun I loved it. The worse place, we all know what that one was starts with Big and ends in house. I'm so glad I'm out of that place.
I've had 14 roomates. Freshman year was Becca. Sophomore year was Erica, Bejya and Jamie. I shared a room with Jamie and we had fun, well she enjoyed my sleep walking and talking. My junior year I lived with Amanda, Kari, Carissa, Kristin, and Heather. My senior year I lived with Abe Shell and Reid. This summer I lived with Katie kind of...and now my coolest and furriest roomie is Lucy.
I have been to Minnesota, Michigan, North Carolina, Illinois, and Ohio. Granted most were for layovers. My favorite airport is o'hare hands down. But I also like the Greensboro airport when flying into it, why? Because it means I'm finally home : )
I've had the same plates bowls and cups from when I moved in freshman year, although many are missing I still have at least one of each thing to this day. I also still have the plant that my mom had when she was in her own apartment. Although i'm not sure if it's in the best plant life condition but it's still around and has at least 2 leaves on it.
I have worked in 5 different jobs. Instructing soccer to little kids, working at the pool, refereeing, nannying kids from hell, and finally Best Buy. Has it lead me to find what I want to do with my life? Nope not at all, except for the fact that not all kids are cute and sweet like my little brothers were. Don't let them fool you!
Over the four years I have lost my tonsils and many other random things. You know, those things that you can never find when you really need them.
I have 3 exams, 2 chapter responses, 1 research paper, and an assignment away from Graduating on Saturday December 20th 2008.
That's all for now.
I was thinking since this was the blog of college: the beginning to end that this blog will be over soon. But have no fear I will still write but it's not going to be under the context of college. I am thinking that I want to print off the posts that I have made in the past years and put them into chapters, bind them, and make it into a book. It'd be nice to have don't you think? If anyone knows how to do this please feel free to send me an email. One more week, 7 days I can do it!
I have moved 8 times soon to be 9. Mind you two of those times were back home to Eau Claire for the summer, but still it sucks. Probably the worse move was when there was a giant hurricane like storm sitting over top of green bay and we had to move that day. My favorite place that I lived hands down would be on Kathy Peterson. Although it was full of problems over all it was great fun I loved it. The worse place, we all know what that one was starts with Big and ends in house. I'm so glad I'm out of that place.
I've had 14 roomates. Freshman year was Becca. Sophomore year was Erica, Bejya and Jamie. I shared a room with Jamie and we had fun, well she enjoyed my sleep walking and talking. My junior year I lived with Amanda, Kari, Carissa, Kristin, and Heather. My senior year I lived with Abe Shell and Reid. This summer I lived with Katie kind of...and now my coolest and furriest roomie is Lucy.
I have been to Minnesota, Michigan, North Carolina, Illinois, and Ohio. Granted most were for layovers. My favorite airport is o'hare hands down. But I also like the Greensboro airport when flying into it, why? Because it means I'm finally home : )
I've had the same plates bowls and cups from when I moved in freshman year, although many are missing I still have at least one of each thing to this day. I also still have the plant that my mom had when she was in her own apartment. Although i'm not sure if it's in the best plant life condition but it's still around and has at least 2 leaves on it.
I have worked in 5 different jobs. Instructing soccer to little kids, working at the pool, refereeing, nannying kids from hell, and finally Best Buy. Has it lead me to find what I want to do with my life? Nope not at all, except for the fact that not all kids are cute and sweet like my little brothers were. Don't let them fool you!
Over the four years I have lost my tonsils and many other random things. You know, those things that you can never find when you really need them.
I have 3 exams, 2 chapter responses, 1 research paper, and an assignment away from Graduating on Saturday December 20th 2008.
That's all for now.
I was thinking since this was the blog of college: the beginning to end that this blog will be over soon. But have no fear I will still write but it's not going to be under the context of college. I am thinking that I want to print off the posts that I have made in the past years and put them into chapters, bind them, and make it into a book. It'd be nice to have don't you think? If anyone knows how to do this please feel free to send me an email. One more week, 7 days I can do it!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
*This Just in from Lambeau Field*
Just for you mom! My first game and you were there in spirit <3 <3 <3
Thanksgiving
So this past Thursday was Thanksgiving. Just wanted to say Happy Turkey day to those people who are enjoying it. It's interesting to think that it's a holiday where family and friends get together and think of things we are thankful for. There is a lot of power of taking a second or even a day to consider what we are thankful for. This was something I didn't do on Thursday. I sat at home watching TV all day with Lucy. (no this is not where I want pity or people to feel sorry for me. I have come to accept that fact of being alone on the holiday) But back to thinking about thanks. If we don't forget to be thankful for things, it allows things for us to believe creep in. Things like feeling alone, but it's nothing but lies.
Maybe Thanksgiving is a chance to know what is the truth and say it aloud. In a world that is filled with lies, maybe we need this day. Being thankful reminds us that our story isn't done with yet. There are things out there worth fighting for and living for EaCh AnD e v e r y day. Beauty is always around us and love is always happening.I was asked to consider these questions for a few seconds....
What do you have to be thankful for?
Who do you love?
Who loves you?
Who needs you?
What are your dreams?
What's worth fighting for?
What's worth running after?
Consider the air in your lungs. It will be gone one day, and these chapters will close. If i had to guess, i would say you're early in your story. There is still a lot of time for hope to happen, for change to find you, for love and beauty and truth and songs you haven't even heard yet.
Take a moment tonight and remember the best of your story. And if it feels like there's too many ugly pages, then please know that you are free to be honest, that you were meant to be honest, that we all need that - we need people and places where we can say those things, where we can begin to understand, where we can begin to let go... It's okay to be honest.
I've been obsessed with The Fray's new single "You Found Me" for the last week, playing it for everyone, making them listen. i think it's the honesty... The song is basically a conversation with God, the things you're not supposed to say:
Guy runs into God and asks Him where the heck He's been.
God says "Ask anything."
He asks "Where were you when everything was falling apart?"
i am full-blown in love with the bridge. All i know is that it's been moving some things around in me. He sings this with urgency:
"Early morning, the city breaks, I've been calling for years and years and years and years and you never left me no messages, you never sent me no letters. You've got some kind of nerve..."
This week i was reminded that i am thankful for the fact that it's okay to be honest, that maybe change starts there.
To answer those questions.
What do you have to be thankful for?
I'm thankful for everyday that I wake up. I am thankful for every single member of my family. For the life I am able to live. I'm thankful for my dogs Sally and Lucy. I'm thankful for my friends who have become family. I'm thankful for the good times and even the bad times. Because without those bad times I wouldn't know or be able to appreciate the good. I'm thankful for everything I've had and will experience in my life.
Who do you love? I love my mom, my dad, my two little brothers, God, my dogs, my friends, my family, people I barely know, or haven't even met yet.
Who loves you? My family friends and dogs, as well as some people who I have never even met yet. Of course the big guys upstairs.
Who needs you? My family friends and Lucy and probably many more
What are your dreams? To help make a difference in this world, no matter how big or how small. I want my life to mean something when I'm done with it all.
What's worth fighting for? Family Friends Life Love Happiness and Health
What's worth running after?Everything
So let me ask you this....
What do you have to be thankful for?
Who do you love?
Who loves you?
Who needs you?
What are your dreams?
What's worth fighting for?
What's worth running after?
So let me ask you this....
What do you have to be thankful for?
Who do you love?
Who loves you?
Who needs you?
What are your dreams?
What's worth fighting for?
What's worth running after?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thoughts not of my own.
So I'm stuck on what to write, there are so many things to write about. So I've decided to rely on someone else to say some things that I really like or feel speak what's in my mind. So enjoy. I'll write more tomorrow when I'm doing nothing on thanksgiving.
"The only justice is love. Just let it go. You don't have to write back. You don't have to explain. This is not about being right. There is something true in the song that you can't stop listening to. You don't feel at home anywhere, but you feel at home when Aaron sings that song. Someone calling you a criminal does not make you a criminal, just as someone calling you a hero does not make you a hero. Nobody gets to name you. Find your identity in the one true place. If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay. Do not be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don't live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing. Hope.
And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.
These things deserve your attention: Your family, your friends, the people you will meet today."
"The building has always come easy - the creative, the words on napkins, the wild open doors. It's easy to always look ahead, to equate success with getting the hell away from where you started. If you're faster than whatever's chasing you, then you never have to pay attention to it. You tell yourself it's okay that the bridges burned. You didn't mean for it to happen, but maybe it's better - I mean, you're not going back, they can't go where you're going.
Or maybe those are lies. Maybe the constant motion is simply a man on the run, a man scared to death of standing still, a man scared to death of what he might find, or what might find him. And maybe the hero's dance is not the run across the burning bridge. Maybe the hero's dance is the pause and the turning to say 'This wasn't meant to burn.' Maybe the leader is the one who looks back and sees something worth fighting for."-Jamie Tworkowski
Eat. Drink. Be Merry. Enjoy your time with your family because I'll be missing mine.
"The only justice is love. Just let it go. You don't have to write back. You don't have to explain. This is not about being right. There is something true in the song that you can't stop listening to. You don't feel at home anywhere, but you feel at home when Aaron sings that song. Someone calling you a criminal does not make you a criminal, just as someone calling you a hero does not make you a hero. Nobody gets to name you. Find your identity in the one true place. If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay. Do not be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don't live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing. Hope.
And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.
These things deserve your attention: Your family, your friends, the people you will meet today."
"The building has always come easy - the creative, the words on napkins, the wild open doors. It's easy to always look ahead, to equate success with getting the hell away from where you started. If you're faster than whatever's chasing you, then you never have to pay attention to it. You tell yourself it's okay that the bridges burned. You didn't mean for it to happen, but maybe it's better - I mean, you're not going back, they can't go where you're going.
Or maybe those are lies. Maybe the constant motion is simply a man on the run, a man scared to death of standing still, a man scared to death of what he might find, or what might find him. And maybe the hero's dance is not the run across the burning bridge. Maybe the hero's dance is the pause and the turning to say 'This wasn't meant to burn.' Maybe the leader is the one who looks back and sees something worth fighting for."-Jamie Tworkowski
Eat. Drink. Be Merry. Enjoy your time with your family because I'll be missing mine.
I found god
On the corner of first and Amistad
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I Said where you been, he said ask anything
Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of first and Amistad
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not, who I want to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Early morning, City breaks
I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never send me no letters
You got some kind of nerve, taking all I want
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Where were you where were you
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Why’d you have to wait?
To find me, to find me
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Let that be enough....
I wish I had what I need
to be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And It all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With no where to land
And all I see it could never make me happy
And all my sand castles spend their time collapsing
And I feel stuck
Watching history repeating
Yeah, who am I?
Just a kid who knows she's needy
Let me know that you hear me.
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
and let that be enough.
So life has been very busy, but it's slowing down. My life has been on repeat with the same things happening each day over and over again. Wake up, Lucy, class, work, Lucy, sleep repeat.
I wasn't enjoying my last two months (eek I can't believe it's coming that fast). So I decided that I needed to take time for my puppy, for my friends, but most importantly m y s e l f. What does that mean? It meant dropping down to 17 hours a week at work. It was something that friends and family were saying was necessary, I was not a fan of this option. This was a very hard decision for me to make, I don't like just quiting things, being a failure. But after talking about it and thinking A LOT about it I decided it was the right thing to do.
....
I can tell there is a major difference in my life already and it's only been a week. I have been able to take my car in to get fixed after 3 months of it being junk. My puppy Lucy loves the attention she's getting. My apartment doesn't look like a disaster zone, it's CLEAN. I am able to spend more time on school work (which is the most important thing anyways). I'm getting to hang out and relax with friends who I might NEVER see again. But most important is that I am HaPpY again. Work isn't something that I'm dreading going to, I forgot what it felt like to feel this way about work. I'm glad it's back.
....
At this time next week I will be back in the old stomping grounds of Eau Claire. I'm excited to see old faces and familiar places. I've missed a lot of the people and the places I used to call home. I also will be able to hear the wonderful sounds of Jason Mraz. I'm excited big time. I was starting to put a list together of things I've done in the past 4 and half years while in college, shows I've been to, places I've seen etc. That might be a week's worth of blogs, but something to look forward to.
....
Oh Switchfoot has been on my current list music playing through my ears,(and rental car) especially the best yet album. Check it out, good band, with a great message. (They are on that list of people I've met, seen and heard, a few times actually)
....
Love to you all, and go hug your mom, she'll love it. Every mom deserves random hugs from her kids every once in awhile. (-------mom------) (Mom consider this your virtual hug since I'm 1,600 miles away right now.)
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Dear Mr. President...
It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.
Yes we can.
It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.
Yes we can.
It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.
Yes we can.
It was the call of workers who organized;
women who reached for the ballots;
a President who chose the moon as our new frontier;
and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.
Yes we can to justice and equality.
Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can heal this nation.
Yes we can repair this world.
Yes we can.
We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.
We want change.
We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics…
they will only grow louder and more dissonant ………..
We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check.
We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.
But in the unlikely story that is America,
there has never been anything false about hope.
Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA;
we will remember that there is something happening in America;
that we are not as divided as our politics suggests;
that we are one people;
we are one nation;
and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea:
Yes We Can.
Yes we can.
It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.
Yes we can.
It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.
Yes we can.
It was the call of workers who organized;
women who reached for the ballots;
a President who chose the moon as our new frontier;
and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.
Yes we can to justice and equality.
Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.
Yes we can heal this nation.
Yes we can repair this world.
Yes we can.
We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.
We want change.
We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics…
they will only grow louder and more dissonant ………..
We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check.
We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.
But in the unlikely story that is America,
there has never been anything false about hope.
Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA;
we will remember that there is something happening in America;
that we are not as divided as our politics suggests;
that we are one people;
we are one nation;
and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea:
Yes We Can.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
And it started to feel like october.
"I recall drivin' home, this ain't gonna hit me till God knows when
You know I feel it in my bones and I wear it on my skin
But there is no use in right or wrong
When a heart must go where it belongs
I remember thinking, boy you must be dreaming
So hold on, hold on, before it's all gone
And I do remember thinking
That your world will go on spinning
Without me now, so c'mon, c'mon please"
So at the end of January if not earlier, this girl is moving out of the state to the east coast. Here is where you're asking "but why Aubrey?" I'm finally graduating and moving on with my life and becoming an adult (I know scary!) Why to the east coast? Well there are many reasons but the main one is my family. The east coast is where my family lives, I've missed out in almost 3 years of their lives going to school here. Don't get me wrong I loved my time here but I love my family a lot. They're kind of a big deal.
I have a little big brother who I have to see graduate from high school and enjoy spending time with before he starts his own college experience. I have a little brother who needs a sister in his life so he can have someone to bring to 4th grade show and tell. I hear big sisters who lived where Brett Favre did and have experienced a few feet of snow is the cool thing to bring to show and tell down in North Carolina. I have a mom who is fighting a harder battle everyday with cancer who needs a little help, maybe a lot from her only daughter. My 4 plus years of college have lead me to believe that shopping is a very good form of therapy and she will be doing this. Then I have a over stressed dad who is traveling everywhere, he needs his little girl to come make sure he's relaxing every once in awhile. Oh and there is a old dog of mine that needs a playmate, this is where my puppy Lucy comes in.
So once I graduate and the holidays are done I am moving to North Carolina. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I am going to miss you all terribly, especially knowing you aren't a car drive away. This means we have less than 4 months to enjoy being friends and possibly family. This means you need to call me, make plans with me, hang out. Come check out the new place, come visit me in Green Bay. Or hey maybe just maybe I'll get time off of work to come visit you. Consider this your warning. I want to make sure I get to say goodbye to all of you in person before I leave. Although I do suck at goodbyes so maybe not those... This may be hard but I think we can do it. I may be a 16 hour car drive away when I move but it doesn't mean you can't come visit me. I have beaches and mountains less than 3 hours away from me in both directions. I also will be back here to for a certain best friend of mine's wedding and other cool occasions.
Things that have been on my mind....
....goodbyes are the hardest thing for me. I'm not ready for them, I never will be. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it.
You know I feel it in my bones and I wear it on my skin
But there is no use in right or wrong
When a heart must go where it belongs
I remember thinking, boy you must be dreaming
So hold on, hold on, before it's all gone
And I do remember thinking
That your world will go on spinning
Without me now, so c'mon, c'mon please"
So at the end of January if not earlier, this girl is moving out of the state to the east coast. Here is where you're asking "but why Aubrey?" I'm finally graduating and moving on with my life and becoming an adult (I know scary!) Why to the east coast? Well there are many reasons but the main one is my family. The east coast is where my family lives, I've missed out in almost 3 years of their lives going to school here. Don't get me wrong I loved my time here but I love my family a lot. They're kind of a big deal.
I have a little big brother who I have to see graduate from high school and enjoy spending time with before he starts his own college experience. I have a little brother who needs a sister in his life so he can have someone to bring to 4th grade show and tell. I hear big sisters who lived where Brett Favre did and have experienced a few feet of snow is the cool thing to bring to show and tell down in North Carolina. I have a mom who is fighting a harder battle everyday with cancer who needs a little help, maybe a lot from her only daughter. My 4 plus years of college have lead me to believe that shopping is a very good form of therapy and she will be doing this. Then I have a over stressed dad who is traveling everywhere, he needs his little girl to come make sure he's relaxing every once in awhile. Oh and there is a old dog of mine that needs a playmate, this is where my puppy Lucy comes in.
So once I graduate and the holidays are done I am moving to North Carolina. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I am going to miss you all terribly, especially knowing you aren't a car drive away. This means we have less than 4 months to enjoy being friends and possibly family. This means you need to call me, make plans with me, hang out. Come check out the new place, come visit me in Green Bay. Or hey maybe just maybe I'll get time off of work to come visit you. Consider this your warning. I want to make sure I get to say goodbye to all of you in person before I leave. Although I do suck at goodbyes so maybe not those... This may be hard but I think we can do it. I may be a 16 hour car drive away when I move but it doesn't mean you can't come visit me. I have beaches and mountains less than 3 hours away from me in both directions. I also will be back here to for a certain best friend of mine's wedding and other cool occasions.
Things that have been on my mind....
- I feel as though I'm not able to get past being sick, I don't have time to take care of my body. I'm thinking that my body is not liking that and shutting down. This is not a very good thing.
- I have met my neighbors upstairs, they are army boys getting sent to Iraq in the end of January. They are just loving their time they have here as much as they can. It's weird how life brings people into your life that you will have taken out of your life just as quick. Because of these boys I have not gotten to bed until at least 2 am the past 3 nights.
- Lucy is not listening recently to me....this is not a good thing
- The words I miss you and I love you have very powerful impacts. I think it is great but some people can abuse it.
- I love being able to catch up with friends that you haven't spoken to in ages as though they didn't miss a second of your life. It's probably one of the greatest feelings.
- I'm ready to move down south, but I'm also not prepared to say goodbye to everyone.
- My finger got slammed in a door and it hurts, a lot even 2 days after the event.
- I haven't been sleeping properly, my medication for my sleep walking is screwing up everything. I don't like it very much
- I'm excited, very excited because there is a Panera Bread opening on the 20th of October, Baked Potato soup is almost here!
- What I'm really excited for is that I get to go home for 4 days. I'm getting to take a vacation from work. (even if it means I have to work my butt off) I get to see them the 24th through the 28th.
- My car's check engine light is still on after over a month and a half. I'm thinking that I should get that looked at...but when?
- I get to go on one last epic road trip to see Jason Mraz with Icky on the 20th of November. I really am excited because I've missed him terribly. It might be the last time I'll get to see him.
....goodbyes are the hardest thing for me. I'm not ready for them, I never will be. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
mmmmm....AMAZING
I remember the first time that I got to see Jack's Mannequin play... It was a hot day in Milwaukee at Summerfest a few years ago. I was a big fan of the band for awhile. I planned to grab seats and chill in the sun with friends until the show at 10 pm. Well....there was sun, lots of it. So much so it was high humidity and lots of heat in the 100's. I was toasty but excited for everything that would happen that night.
Well all of a sudden I notice on my trip to the bathroom a man hiding behind shades walking towards the stage. I was almost positive, it was Andrew McMahon, but I wasn't sure. It took a second glance, and sure enough it was him. I was able to grab a pic and have a quick chat about his health before we were mobbed. Andrew had recently been diagnosed with cancer 3 months before releasing Jack's Mannequin "everything in transit" album. He was looking healthy after beaten the hardest battle people fight. i couldn't have been happier with the meeting of this amazing musician and the up and coming show that would be performed.
Well what little all of us knew what that there was a very severe thunderstorm brewing and planning on throwing off all shows. It decided to roll through around 5 pm. We decided to stick it out, luckily enough I brought my rain jacket. The things I saw, torrential rains, guys using the rain as a shower with their axe body wash. It was great, bands weren't able to play because of the thunder lightening and crazy rain. I wasn't even thinking of the possibility of getting hit by lightening while standing on metal bleachers. As the rain kept coming more people kept leaving, meaning we got an even closer seat, GO TEAM. As the night progressed, so did the storm. i was waiting until we got the word we would be missing Jack's Mannequin. right around 9 the storm cleared and there seemed to be some action on stage. There were no announcements, just lights and a piano.
A single piano on stage....I knew I'd be in for a treat. sooner than the 10 pm show time out came the man I had met at a time that seemed like ages ago. The experience was amazing and worth every second. Come to find out that night was the last night he had to take his chemo medication for his cancer. The cancer that went into remission. It was a perfect moment, dark blue was being sung and as the words, "this night's a perfect shade of dark blue, dark blue....we were boxing the stars you were swinging for mars." Right as those words were said the storm passed and all of a sudden you could see half of a moon shining down and stars so bright. After that concert, you can't resist being a fan of the band (even if my cell phone was full of water and wasn't working) and the man who has gone through more than any 23 year old should.
So you could only imagine the excitement I had when I saw that face I met a few years ago on the cover of AP magazine this January. I had to buy it even if it was super expensive at an airport on my way home. It gave me hope for the future of my music playing through my headphones, there was a new album released, at some point, hopefully by summer.
Summer came and went without a new Jack's Mannequin album in my car....
Finally a month ago I found out that 9.30.08 would be the release date. I have officially listened to it numerous times and downloaded every EP possible related to it....I'm a happy kid.
The chorus from the song “Lullaby” says, “Give me something to believe in, a breath from the breathing, so write it down I don’t think I’ll close my eyes cause lately I’m not dreaming, so what’s the point in sleeping” and it grabs my attention every time. This collection of songs that make up ‘The Glass Passenger’ is that breath from the breathing, these songs are so alive and contain so much life which is part of what makes this record so good.
So what it all comes down to is taking a leap, holding out until you can't possibly hold on. Without this holding on we wouldn't have this amazing album. Go grab the The Glass Passenger, run don't walk to the stores to buy it. Or if you're too lazy go to itunes and fork over the 9.99, you will love every second of it. I promise, you can thank me later.
Well all of a sudden I notice on my trip to the bathroom a man hiding behind shades walking towards the stage. I was almost positive, it was Andrew McMahon, but I wasn't sure. It took a second glance, and sure enough it was him. I was able to grab a pic and have a quick chat about his health before we were mobbed. Andrew had recently been diagnosed with cancer 3 months before releasing Jack's Mannequin "everything in transit" album. He was looking healthy after beaten the hardest battle people fight. i couldn't have been happier with the meeting of this amazing musician and the up and coming show that would be performed.
Well what little all of us knew what that there was a very severe thunderstorm brewing and planning on throwing off all shows. It decided to roll through around 5 pm. We decided to stick it out, luckily enough I brought my rain jacket. The things I saw, torrential rains, guys using the rain as a shower with their axe body wash. It was great, bands weren't able to play because of the thunder lightening and crazy rain. I wasn't even thinking of the possibility of getting hit by lightening while standing on metal bleachers. As the rain kept coming more people kept leaving, meaning we got an even closer seat, GO TEAM. As the night progressed, so did the storm. i was waiting until we got the word we would be missing Jack's Mannequin. right around 9 the storm cleared and there seemed to be some action on stage. There were no announcements, just lights and a piano.
A single piano on stage....I knew I'd be in for a treat. sooner than the 10 pm show time out came the man I had met at a time that seemed like ages ago. The experience was amazing and worth every second. Come to find out that night was the last night he had to take his chemo medication for his cancer. The cancer that went into remission. It was a perfect moment, dark blue was being sung and as the words, "this night's a perfect shade of dark blue, dark blue....we were boxing the stars you were swinging for mars." Right as those words were said the storm passed and all of a sudden you could see half of a moon shining down and stars so bright. After that concert, you can't resist being a fan of the band (even if my cell phone was full of water and wasn't working) and the man who has gone through more than any 23 year old should.
So you could only imagine the excitement I had when I saw that face I met a few years ago on the cover of AP magazine this January. I had to buy it even if it was super expensive at an airport on my way home. It gave me hope for the future of my music playing through my headphones, there was a new album released, at some point, hopefully by summer.
Summer came and went without a new Jack's Mannequin album in my car....
Finally a month ago I found out that 9.30.08 would be the release date. I have officially listened to it numerous times and downloaded every EP possible related to it....I'm a happy kid.
The chorus from the song “Lullaby” says, “Give me something to believe in, a breath from the breathing, so write it down I don’t think I’ll close my eyes cause lately I’m not dreaming, so what’s the point in sleeping” and it grabs my attention every time. This collection of songs that make up ‘The Glass Passenger’ is that breath from the breathing, these songs are so alive and contain so much life which is part of what makes this record so good.
So what it all comes down to is taking a leap, holding out until you can't possibly hold on. Without this holding on we wouldn't have this amazing album. Go grab the The Glass Passenger, run don't walk to the stores to buy it. Or if you're too lazy go to itunes and fork over the 9.99, you will love every second of it. I promise, you can thank me later.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
In time...
Some days ... the whole world seems upside down. And then somehow, and probably, and when you least expect it, the world rights itself again.
Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover... there’s really only one thing you can say.
There comes a point in your life, when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly, you’re old enough to vote, drink and engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious, a grown-up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up? In some ways we grow up; we have families... we get married, divorced... but for the most part we still have the same problems that we did when we were fifteen. No matter how much we grow taller, grow older, we are still forever stumbling... forever wondering, forever... young.
The truth is hard. The truth is awkward and very often the truth hurts. I mean, people think they want the truth. But do they really? The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.
Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here's the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, just sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is ... everything.
I have had a lot running through my head and not a lot of a time to sit down and write. I'm working full time and also going to school full time. I'm taking things in as much as I can because change is coming, and it's happening faster than ever. I'm ready for this change, to be honest this place has gotten old. It's time for me to grow and see the world in a different view. I'm ready to start fresh, with a clean slate.
I have a puppy with 8 staples in her tummy from getting spade. She thinks nothing is wrong with her and running around and playing fetch is an okay thing. I had strict orders to keep her calm and with minimal physical activity from her vet. This is NOT an easy task. I feel bad because every time she comes out of the kennel she thinks she finally can play....nope not at all. So i have had to be the very mean mom and hold the ball and hide it while she sits waiting for it with the definition of puppy dog eyes. Ahh life.
But this is what I know for a fact.
Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.In life, only one thing is certain, apart from death and taxes. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, you are going to make mistakes. You’re going to hurt people. You’re going to get hurt. And if you ever want to recover... there’s really only one thing you can say.
There comes a point in your life, when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly, you’re old enough to vote, drink and engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious, a grown-up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up? In some ways we grow up; we have families... we get married, divorced... but for the most part we still have the same problems that we did when we were fifteen. No matter how much we grow taller, grow older, we are still forever stumbling... forever wondering, forever... young.
The truth is hard. The truth is awkward and very often the truth hurts. I mean, people think they want the truth. But do they really? The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.
Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here's the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, just sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is ... everything.
I have had a lot running through my head and not a lot of a time to sit down and write. I'm working full time and also going to school full time. I'm taking things in as much as I can because change is coming, and it's happening faster than ever. I'm ready for this change, to be honest this place has gotten old. It's time for me to grow and see the world in a different view. I'm ready to start fresh, with a clean slate.
I have a puppy with 8 staples in her tummy from getting spade. She thinks nothing is wrong with her and running around and playing fetch is an okay thing. I had strict orders to keep her calm and with minimal physical activity from her vet. This is NOT an easy task. I feel bad because every time she comes out of the kennel she thinks she finally can play....nope not at all. So i have had to be the very mean mom and hold the ball and hide it while she sits waiting for it with the definition of puppy dog eyes. Ahh life.
But this is what I know for a fact.
- Lucy Abbey Road is my buddy and sidekick at all times which is great
- The neighbors next to me listen to the TV WAY too loud, I'm starting to think they are deaf
- The neighbors below me have a dog that barks at EVERYTHING. Oh and it looks like the target dog.
- I love my job and hate my job all at the same time.
- I have yet to let my managers know that I will be moving by the beginning of January to go to north carolina
- I know when people lie to me, and even more when people lie to others. I may not say anything, but I know. Karma is not fun to deal with, it's even worse when it come backs around.
- I am excited not to spend another tough winter here.
- I'm really excited to be with my family again and enjoy the weather that isn't bad at all.
- I'm going to miss a lot of people here and a lot of things that this state offers but...
- I know there are so many new things I'm going to fall in love with down south.
- I know I will be an Aunt any day now to Matty McFatty's little girl : )
- I know that everything will be fine.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
"So long sweet summer, I stumbled upon you and gracefully basked in your rays."
I knew one day that this post would come. It's the post that I was trying to put off and avoid writing. I was thinking that if I didn't write it that it wouldn't come. Tomorrow will be my last and final day getting up, feeling nervous, and walking onto campus as a college student. That's right I am going to be graduating in December. I really don't like to deal with major life changing things, and December is going to be one of them. I really don't have a plan for what I'm doing when I'm done, where I am going. I feel like there is a ton of pressure to answer these questions. What if I just want to be for awhile? I think that's me, the procrastination is definitely kicking in. I don't want to step into the real world as an adult. But the time has come, posts of final things, final soccer games, yahtzee games, and final goodbyes.
I have always had an interesting time the night before classes started, even when I was little. I remember going shoe shopping for school and waiting until the first day of school. I would rock those running shoes all white and all. It's the anticipation for the friends and the normalcy. I've been going to school and getting the weird butterflies for 16 years of my life. That's a lot out of 22 years. So I'm hoping to make the best of every moment that happens and live up my last semester. I know there isn't going to be a bus to pick me up as a little kindergartener on the first day of school. My mom isn't going to make sure that everyone plays nice before the bus and she won't be there for me when I get off to ask me how my day was. It's all me this time, I just hope I can get on that bus on my own. It's time for me to have my own wings and fly.
I knew one day that this post would come. It's the post that I was trying to put off and avoid writing. I was thinking that if I didn't write it that it wouldn't come. Tomorrow will be my last and final day getting up, feeling nervous, and walking onto campus as a college student. That's right I am going to be graduating in December. I really don't like to deal with major life changing things, and December is going to be one of them. I really don't have a plan for what I'm doing when I'm done, where I am going. I feel like there is a ton of pressure to answer these questions. What if I just want to be for awhile? I think that's me, the procrastination is definitely kicking in. I don't want to step into the real world as an adult. But the time has come, posts of final things, final soccer games, yahtzee games, and final goodbyes.
I have always had an interesting time the night before classes started, even when I was little. I remember going shoe shopping for school and waiting until the first day of school. I would rock those running shoes all white and all. It's the anticipation for the friends and the normalcy. I've been going to school and getting the weird butterflies for 16 years of my life. That's a lot out of 22 years. So I'm hoping to make the best of every moment that happens and live up my last semester. I know there isn't going to be a bus to pick me up as a little kindergartener on the first day of school. My mom isn't going to make sure that everyone plays nice before the bus and she won't be there for me when I get off to ask me how my day was. It's all me this time, I just hope I can get on that bus on my own. It's time for me to have my own wings and fly.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
monopoly is a beeyach
I hate monoply. Especially the way people act when playing...it is just reinforcing the horrible fact that the rich keep getting richer while those who have nothing can't even survive. the poor are lucky if they make it around the board once just to get that 200 dollars. which gets you absolutely no where. maybe its just me but there is more to life than that. trying to make money off the poor. so you have all this money but did you enjoy it? did you get to love someone, something? maybe the reason I don't like the game is because you feel all alone. there is nobody on your side. life isn't that way. I know people who live life like a monopoly game and I hate it. but more than anything my heart breaks for them. there is nothing that can buy you love true friends or happiness. I guess really what it comes down to is that we need to depend on each other. we need to depend on our friends and community around us. so love another even if they are living in a monopoly world.
"wake up you are alive. wake up we're on your side."-lovedrug
(and no I'm not just complaining because I was out first)
sorry the spelling is horrible I wrote this on my centro while they were finishing the game.
"wake up you are alive. wake up we're on your side."-lovedrug
(and no I'm not just complaining because I was out first)
sorry the spelling is horrible I wrote this on my centro while they were finishing the game.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
What I have discovered in the past couple of weeks....
-My puppy likes to make my life hard, be it peeing on my bed for fun or getting sick for a week. not so much fun for me but fun for her.
-I have no gotten to really enjoy my summer, I've always been working or sleeping. It makes me sad.
-I finally have gotten most of my boxes unpacked from the recent move. I feel like my life as becoming more align with its Qi factor. I have put up 3 posters and it's made my liking of my place a little better and not so white.
-Feeney leaves soon so that means that summer is over and school is starting again....I'm excited.
-I had a meaningful blog planned but I forgot it, so hopefully this will suffice for now.
-My puppy likes to make my life hard, be it peeing on my bed for fun or getting sick for a week. not so much fun for me but fun for her.
-I have no gotten to really enjoy my summer, I've always been working or sleeping. It makes me sad.
-I finally have gotten most of my boxes unpacked from the recent move. I feel like my life as becoming more align with its Qi factor. I have put up 3 posters and it's made my liking of my place a little better and not so white.
-Feeney leaves soon so that means that summer is over and school is starting again....I'm excited.
-I had a meaningful blog planned but I forgot it, so hopefully this will suffice for now.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Purple...I'll take magenta
"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!" - John Mayer
So a friend of mine highlighted this quote. It really made me start to think. While trying to over come the idea of everything taken place in the last week and a day now I'm finally feeling ready. I'm ready to face the world head on. It takes one step at at time.
I think I am a 64 box rolling around out there. So what I've got a few broken crayons in my box? Yes and the white one hasn't been touched (we all still wonder what that white one is there for) But I'm happy with those missing few parts. The colors I have now are bright and brilliant. robin's egg blue, come on you can't beat that! I can be challenging but stimulating. I'm here to make life colorful and vibrant. I think that's the only way to live. So I am proud of my sharpener and broken crayons. I'm still far ahead of the game in comparison to the 8-b0xes out there.
I feel as though I am living in world of 8 boxes in my life. I have some 64's out there and I love them to death. But it's those 8 boxes that see the brilliance in what you have that try to break you down and make you feel like you only have those 8 boring colors. They make you focus on the broken crayons not the ones that are still around. It's hard to try to believe in yourself and all the colors you have, even if some of those colors are girlie colors. It's okay, those 8-boxes can have their clubs and exclusive things, but I know where the real party is at. It's in the parking lot where the 64 boxes are hanging out looking at the stars dreaming of what is to come or coming up with amazing solutions to fix the problems right now. In the end it's those dreaming in the parking lot that are going to achieve amazing things. It may look like the 8 boxes are winning right now but know in the end us 64 boxes will accomplish greater things than those 8's. (we do have a lot more crayons out there that are able to be used compared to their 8)
So after things are settling down here in my life, even though they are still in boxes. I realize there is SO much more to get out of life. I'm barely scratching the surface of life at my over 22 and half years of experience. I'm going to have a lot of feeling, loving, fighting, dreaming, and growing left in me. No matter what I think I will look at it with a little bit of magenta....
(thanks for the inspiration and quotes J.T.)
So a friend of mine highlighted this quote. It really made me start to think. While trying to over come the idea of everything taken place in the last week and a day now I'm finally feeling ready. I'm ready to face the world head on. It takes one step at at time.
I think I am a 64 box rolling around out there. So what I've got a few broken crayons in my box? Yes and the white one hasn't been touched (we all still wonder what that white one is there for) But I'm happy with those missing few parts. The colors I have now are bright and brilliant. robin's egg blue, come on you can't beat that! I can be challenging but stimulating. I'm here to make life colorful and vibrant. I think that's the only way to live. So I am proud of my sharpener and broken crayons. I'm still far ahead of the game in comparison to the 8-b0xes out there.
I feel as though I am living in world of 8 boxes in my life. I have some 64's out there and I love them to death. But it's those 8 boxes that see the brilliance in what you have that try to break you down and make you feel like you only have those 8 boring colors. They make you focus on the broken crayons not the ones that are still around. It's hard to try to believe in yourself and all the colors you have, even if some of those colors are girlie colors. It's okay, those 8-boxes can have their clubs and exclusive things, but I know where the real party is at. It's in the parking lot where the 64 boxes are hanging out looking at the stars dreaming of what is to come or coming up with amazing solutions to fix the problems right now. In the end it's those dreaming in the parking lot that are going to achieve amazing things. It may look like the 8 boxes are winning right now but know in the end us 64 boxes will accomplish greater things than those 8's. (we do have a lot more crayons out there that are able to be used compared to their 8)
So after things are settling down here in my life, even though they are still in boxes. I realize there is SO much more to get out of life. I'm barely scratching the surface of life at my over 22 and half years of experience. I'm going to have a lot of feeling, loving, fighting, dreaming, and growing left in me. No matter what I think I will look at it with a little bit of magenta....
(thanks for the inspiration and quotes J.T.)
Saturday, July 26, 2008
homeless and lost
it's coming from my racing mind right now. I am losing my dog possibly and moving out of a house while working 39.50 hours this week. I'm causing my family a bunch of hassle and problems. I love them but they don't deserve this. They don't deserve my screw ups in life, that's my deal my fault my mistakes I have to learn. maybe when you are at your lowest point and feel so alone is where you find out about yourself. I think I'm at that point. I'm finding out about myself when I'm feeling all alone. I don't have anyone to talk to or even listen, it is 1 in the morning. i have to realize that I am not alone, that there are people out there that love me. But it's the realization part that is the hardest.
You have to make room in your heart and in your life for the things that matter. It is not enough to dream. The dreaming comes easy. You have to do things. You have to make choices.
It is the same with loving another person. It is not enough to say you do, or to love them when it's convenient. You have to love them every day. You have to learn their story. You have to never stop learning it. You have to listen. You have to cherish and protect.
Guys, you have to lead. You have to become something trustworthy, someone worth following.
Life is about choices. We become our choices.
It is possible to change.
I'm at an all time low here....
You have to make room in your heart and in your life for the things that matter. It is not enough to dream. The dreaming comes easy. You have to do things. You have to make choices.
It is the same with loving another person. It is not enough to say you do, or to love them when it's convenient. You have to love them every day. You have to learn their story. You have to never stop learning it. You have to listen. You have to cherish and protect.
Guys, you have to lead. You have to become something trustworthy, someone worth following.
Life is about choices. We become our choices.
It is possible to change.
I'm at an all time low here....
Friday, July 18, 2008
Saying goodbye to an unknown friend
There were kids in costumes but I felt far from them. It felt like Halloween was happening all over again but earlier than normal. They were dressed for a party but I was in line for something like a funeral. The posters said "Batman" but i was in line to say some strange goodbye to a guy I never met. I guy that I had learned to love in many different films.
I first remembered talking about Heath Ledger being cast in the role of the Joker a year and a half ago. How that was a brilliant but crazy move on the directors part. Questioning if he could pull off the role Jack Nicholson did so well. But it made it more exciting to think of what was to come... I never would have imagined it was the photos of a body bag leaving his apartment that I'd see him in before the actual role...it made me sad.
I remember the night that Heath Ledger died in New York City. Some friends and I were relaxing playing Sorry at open mic. The coffee shop is always a warm place it's filled with music and the Sorry game is simply a means to laughter. I remember thinking and wishing that Heath Ledger could have somehow found his way to the coffee shop that night. Maybe that's a weird thought but it was simply the possibility that he would have been less alone, that he might have found a friend or been surprised by laughter...
As for the movie, The Joker was alone.
We all talked about his performance it the next day and that was the thing we kept coming back to. He is completely alone. No gang. No sidekick. He doesn't trust anyone. He doesn't need anyone. He is so disconnected that we never even get to see his story. We never see the how or the heart of the why - we only see the madness. There is no great love that he is fighting for. It's not about the money - he sets that on fire. He values nothing. He loses himself. It's a testament to the actor's talent that when the lights go down in the theater, and The Dark Knight starts unspooling, it's shockingly easy to forget that he's gone. It's only later, walking to the parking lot, the reality sinks in again. It's like losing a friend I never knew all over again.
I'll say what i said before, which is just that the death of Heath Ledger reminded us that life is a fragile precious thing. We were reminded that even our heroes ache with problems of pain. And medicine - or medication - it has the power to bring healing, and it also has the power to bring death.
Back in January, in real life, a father brother actor son named Heath Ledger lost his life. We don't know how he lived but it seems he died alone.
At some point, before we meet him, The Joker loses his mind. He lives alone.
As for us and now, the movie screen is traded for a computer screen, and the story being told is real and ours. Less clapping but just as much at stake. There's no genius ending to this writing, just the simple thing that we keep coming back to:
We weren't meant to be alone.
We need other people.
We need a friend.
We need a gang.
We need a family.
Hope is real.
Those Sorry games, the coffee shops warm and kind - we need to know that they really do exist. That the whole thing is possible. That life can be good. i am fighting to believe this in my own life. I have a long way to go but I'm learning that it's worth fighting for.
As for Heath's final performance, it is amazing, mind blowing, and iconic. There will be no better person to play the Joker again, he simply was the best fit for the role. If I had the chance to cast my vote for an Oscar, hands down Heath would get it.
I first remembered talking about Heath Ledger being cast in the role of the Joker a year and a half ago. How that was a brilliant but crazy move on the directors part. Questioning if he could pull off the role Jack Nicholson did so well. But it made it more exciting to think of what was to come... I never would have imagined it was the photos of a body bag leaving his apartment that I'd see him in before the actual role...it made me sad.
I remember the night that Heath Ledger died in New York City. Some friends and I were relaxing playing Sorry at open mic. The coffee shop is always a warm place it's filled with music and the Sorry game is simply a means to laughter. I remember thinking and wishing that Heath Ledger could have somehow found his way to the coffee shop that night. Maybe that's a weird thought but it was simply the possibility that he would have been less alone, that he might have found a friend or been surprised by laughter...
As for the movie, The Joker was alone.
We all talked about his performance it the next day and that was the thing we kept coming back to. He is completely alone. No gang. No sidekick. He doesn't trust anyone. He doesn't need anyone. He is so disconnected that we never even get to see his story. We never see the how or the heart of the why - we only see the madness. There is no great love that he is fighting for. It's not about the money - he sets that on fire. He values nothing. He loses himself. It's a testament to the actor's talent that when the lights go down in the theater, and The Dark Knight starts unspooling, it's shockingly easy to forget that he's gone. It's only later, walking to the parking lot, the reality sinks in again. It's like losing a friend I never knew all over again.
I'll say what i said before, which is just that the death of Heath Ledger reminded us that life is a fragile precious thing. We were reminded that even our heroes ache with problems of pain. And medicine - or medication - it has the power to bring healing, and it also has the power to bring death.
Back in January, in real life, a father brother actor son named Heath Ledger lost his life. We don't know how he lived but it seems he died alone.
At some point, before we meet him, The Joker loses his mind. He lives alone.
As for us and now, the movie screen is traded for a computer screen, and the story being told is real and ours. Less clapping but just as much at stake. There's no genius ending to this writing, just the simple thing that we keep coming back to:
We weren't meant to be alone.
We need other people.
We need a friend.
We need a gang.
We need a family.
Hope is real.
Those Sorry games, the coffee shops warm and kind - we need to know that they really do exist. That the whole thing is possible. That life can be good. i am fighting to believe this in my own life. I have a long way to go but I'm learning that it's worth fighting for.
As for Heath's final performance, it is amazing, mind blowing, and iconic. There will be no better person to play the Joker again, he simply was the best fit for the role. If I had the chance to cast my vote for an Oscar, hands down Heath would get it.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Why? Because your hair is so curly
I've been thinking a lot about what makes summer awesome. But then there are things that came to mind that makes summer, not so cool literally and figuratively. So I came up with a list of things I've started to love, enjoy.
I love....
*late nights that turn into early mornings
*a furry animal that thinks the world of me and misses me when I'm gone
*not having to worry about school work
*my family of course
*phone dates with my little brother to hear about his fun on pogo
*being called love by a person with a British accent
*daisies...any kind
*puppy kisses
*two days off of work
*going back to work because they missed me and need me
*thin mint dairy queen blizzards
*time to enjoy the sun
*thunderstorms that shake the house
*conversations with someone 6 hours ahead of me
*listening to amazing new music from amazing musicians
*sleeping in
*flirting shamelessly haha
*compliments that make me blush
*nice cool fan blowing away the heat
*friends who love me
*my crazy boys no matter how crazy they are
*free HBO
*air conditioning
*holiday pay and vacation pay
*seeing old friends that make you realize you didn't miss a thing.
*bike rides along the river
*Panera being built a block away from work
*random notes saying hello
*my friends who are always there to love me
*London...hands down
*those who read this and leave comments
*those who actually just read this
*the whole idea that love can be one giant movement
www.twloha.com
I love....
*late nights that turn into early mornings
*a furry animal that thinks the world of me and misses me when I'm gone
*not having to worry about school work
*my family of course
*phone dates with my little brother to hear about his fun on pogo
*being called love by a person with a British accent
*daisies...any kind
*puppy kisses
*two days off of work
*going back to work because they missed me and need me
*thin mint dairy queen blizzards
*time to enjoy the sun
*thunderstorms that shake the house
*conversations with someone 6 hours ahead of me
*listening to amazing new music from amazing musicians
*sleeping in
*flirting shamelessly haha
*compliments that make me blush
*nice cool fan blowing away the heat
*friends who love me
*my crazy boys no matter how crazy they are
*free HBO
*air conditioning
*holiday pay and vacation pay
*seeing old friends that make you realize you didn't miss a thing.
*bike rides along the river
*Panera being built a block away from work
*random notes saying hello
*my friends who are always there to love me
*London...hands down
*those who read this and leave comments
*those who actually just read this
*the whole idea that love can be one giant movement
www.twloha.com
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Looking back
The below stated blog was from yes over SEVEN years ago. It was my first time I had ever started a blog. I’m surprised I was even able to find it, but a lass I did. So in start of looking back at my life I’m going to explain what happened over seven years ago. consider it looking at your life with two different glasses on. One of not knowing the future, and one knowing what happened. I think this might be fun 
Thursday, March 08, 2001
Hello everyone!! Well my last blog was a piece of crap so I started all over hopefully this one will be better than the last. Well today is the 8th at 9:41 that means I have about 4 days and counting until i have to push myself through the extreme requirements for soccer. I want to see Mr. Oien do all the stuff we have to do. Well actually it’s not that bad I can do it. But I have been reminded by Mr. Ryan Lowshaw (hey I’m on now where are you?)that I’m not going to make it. Oh well there is always Menomonie to play with that is always a blast. We also get to play the really mean Blackhawks for our galaxy team this satuarday ( i have a feel we all will be hurt by the end of the game) Wish us luck. Our girls b-ball team is in the semi-finals for state. If they win that would be so awesome. Oh John Barthalow is having his birthday party this satuarday from 7-11 at his house that hopefully will be a fun time. I’ll update you on it once the time comes. Well my stupid song is finally done down loading and I have to get up early for jazz band. sorry this one was sorta sucky oh well deal with it!! It’s my blog, what are you going to do about it. Chow!“Well today is the 8th at 9:41 that means I have about 4 days and counting until i have to push myself through the extreme requirements for soccer.”
Looking back on it now, the requirements were EXTREME. Especially for high school girls to complete. After going through my exercise and sports physiology classes, we were doing things that college GUYS should have been doing. I made it through, for the better eh? for the worse, who knows….but I made it through that’s all that counts.
“But I have been reminded by Mr. Ryan L (hey I’m on now where are you?)that I’m not going to make it.” Funny thing is that I had a HUGE crush on this Ryan L. I think he might have been my first actual legitimate crush. You know the ones outside of when you were in elementary school. This had the flirting and all that jazz, ahhh High School. Yup but I got over it after awhile. I did end up making the team this year. But little did I know that Ryan could in fact predict the future, more on that later.
“Our girls b-ball team is in the semi-finals for state. If they win that would be so awesome” They didn’t and I really didn’t care about it much after that post.
“my stupid song is finally done down loading and I have to get up early for jazz band.” This was back in the day when dial up was the thing to have. I had discovered the amazing power of illegal downloading when Napster was bad. This was before anyone even thought about it being a crime. Yeah I was cool, just admit it. When I mention early I mean EARLY. It was called early bird class. yup we were an eagle in high school so of course any reference to it was showing school spirit. Well Jazz band was at 6:30 if I remember correctly. Well that means 6:15 wake up to get to class and have your dad drive you in, yup still a sophomore at this time which means no drivers license. 6:15 is killer for anyone especially if you’re a teenager. I can’t wake up at that time now how could I have been expected to back then when I was dealing with crazy puberty.
And to close my post on my past life and how stupid I was I ended my post with “Chow” Not even the right chow might I add… So to make up for the stupid ending I’ll do it right……Ciao!
Monday, June 16, 2008
The district sleeps alone tonight
"I'm starting to believe the ocean is much like You, 'cause it gives and it takes away."
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I have done a lot of thinking and writing late at night. Might be due to the fact that I’m constantly watching the new puppy Lucy. Or maybe it’s just me and my sleeping disorder. I am not quite sure but I think it’s a good thing. the best thoughts are coming out late at night when the world is fast asleep…
I am remembering who I am. i lost it for a while last year or so, got lost in all the pain and change and stress. Got lost in all the losing. But i am finding my way back, and I’m believing better things. I have found out that there is a place between holding on and letting go, a place where fight songs beg for love songs. Life is hard for most people most of the time. And that I know some people live with so much pain that it’s hard to get out of bed, hard to eat, hard to smile. I believed life is worth living, that storms can pass, and that we have to keep fighting. It’s those hard times that you seem to forget that things are worth fighting for.
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I have been thinking a lot about past friendships that have failed. I don’t know why or how but I always have wondered. I’m one to think it was all my fault but in reality it isn’t. It might be something that they are dealing with at the time. I miss a lot of the things from those relationships I’ve had. I miss the top of the world trips, just to look at the stars and talking. I miss going to dollar movie nights on Tuesdays. I miss the connection we had, no matter what I knew you would be there. I miss the nights that turned into mornings goofing around. I miss the hugs and kisses goodnight. I miss seeing you every night. I miss having someone who would remind me exactly where I stand. I miss the guy advice I would get. I miss the crazy nights with SATC. I miss the common bond we had over things, like scary nuns and winning a stupid shirt. I miss singing at the top of our lungs to songs on the radio. I miss our dinner chats and free food that you weren’t suppose to give us. I miss roller blading trips. I miss wandering into your room late at night (knowing you’d be up, you always were) just to talk about my life.I miss our lists of why the day was awesome. I miss the crazy thoughts like why being a yellow pen must suck. i miss the part of you being my family, actual family, but you’re gone now. I might have screwed up in a lot of ways but others have too. Some are reasons I can’t even remember why we lost touch, some I remember like yesterday. But rebuilding the bridge is hard to do.
"A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing..."
The building has always come easy - the creative, the words on napkins, the wild open doors. It’s easy to always look ahead, to equate success with getting the hell away from where you started. If you’re faster than whatever’s chasing you, then you never have to pay attention to it. You tell yourself it’s okay that the bridges burned - you didn’t mean for it to happen, but maybe it’s better, I mean, you’re not going back, they can’t go where you’re going.
Or maybe those are lies. Maybe the constant motion is simply a man on the run, a man scared to death of standing still, a man scared to death of what he might find, or what might find him. And maybe the hero’s dance is not the run across the burning bridge. Maybe the hero’s dance is the pause and the turning to say “This wasn’t meant to burn.” Maybe the leader is the one who looks back and sees something worth fighting for.
So it’s an interesting moment. The big doors are there, and that will be my life. But that is the privileged part, the easy part. That is the building. But what has my attention in these new nights at home is the rebuilding. Remembering some things that began, some things that I believed in, some things that became too hard and I just kept running. What would it look like to stop and just be small, to apologize, to listen? It is easy to make a new friend but perhaps the great miracle is to remember an old friend, to find them again, even in the wreckage. You start off running together, believing all the beautiful things, crossing all the awful waters, and then suddenly you find yourself out front, running from the fires you started, running from the distance you created. maybe also because true love requires risk. requires chance. we give our hearts away… we talk about forever. we believe. but many things end this side of heaven. we are fragile. our hearts break. we don’t know how to stop something that we said would last forever…
You have to make room in your heart and in your life for the things that matter. It is not enough to dream. The dreaming comes easy. You have to do things. You have to make choices.
Life is about choices.
We become our choices.
It is possible to change.
I am remembering who I am. i lost it for a while last year or so, got lost in all the pain and change and stress. Got lost in all the losing. But i am finding my way back, and I’m believing better things. I have found out that there is a place between holding on and letting go, a place where fight songs beg for love songs. Life is hard for most people most of the time. And that I know some people live with so much pain that it’s hard to get out of bed, hard to eat, hard to smile. I believed life is worth living, that storms can pass, and that we have to keep fighting. It’s those hard times that you seem to forget that things are worth fighting for.
--------------------------
I have been thinking a lot about past friendships that have failed. I don’t know why or how but I always have wondered. I’m one to think it was all my fault but in reality it isn’t. It might be something that they are dealing with at the time. I miss a lot of the things from those relationships I’ve had. I miss the top of the world trips, just to look at the stars and talking. I miss going to dollar movie nights on Tuesdays. I miss the connection we had, no matter what I knew you would be there. I miss the nights that turned into mornings goofing around. I miss the hugs and kisses goodnight. I miss seeing you every night. I miss having someone who would remind me exactly where I stand. I miss the guy advice I would get. I miss the crazy nights with SATC. I miss the common bond we had over things, like scary nuns and winning a stupid shirt. I miss singing at the top of our lungs to songs on the radio. I miss our dinner chats and free food that you weren’t suppose to give us. I miss roller blading trips. I miss wandering into your room late at night (knowing you’d be up, you always were) just to talk about my life.I miss our lists of why the day was awesome. I miss the crazy thoughts like why being a yellow pen must suck. i miss the part of you being my family, actual family, but you’re gone now. I might have screwed up in a lot of ways but others have too. Some are reasons I can’t even remember why we lost touch, some I remember like yesterday. But rebuilding the bridge is hard to do.
"A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing..."
The building has always come easy - the creative, the words on napkins, the wild open doors. It’s easy to always look ahead, to equate success with getting the hell away from where you started. If you’re faster than whatever’s chasing you, then you never have to pay attention to it. You tell yourself it’s okay that the bridges burned - you didn’t mean for it to happen, but maybe it’s better, I mean, you’re not going back, they can’t go where you’re going.
Or maybe those are lies. Maybe the constant motion is simply a man on the run, a man scared to death of standing still, a man scared to death of what he might find, or what might find him. And maybe the hero’s dance is not the run across the burning bridge. Maybe the hero’s dance is the pause and the turning to say “This wasn’t meant to burn.” Maybe the leader is the one who looks back and sees something worth fighting for.
So it’s an interesting moment. The big doors are there, and that will be my life. But that is the privileged part, the easy part. That is the building. But what has my attention in these new nights at home is the rebuilding. Remembering some things that began, some things that I believed in, some things that became too hard and I just kept running. What would it look like to stop and just be small, to apologize, to listen? It is easy to make a new friend but perhaps the great miracle is to remember an old friend, to find them again, even in the wreckage. You start off running together, believing all the beautiful things, crossing all the awful waters, and then suddenly you find yourself out front, running from the fires you started, running from the distance you created. maybe also because true love requires risk. requires chance. we give our hearts away… we talk about forever. we believe. but many things end this side of heaven. we are fragile. our hearts break. we don’t know how to stop something that we said would last forever…
You have to make room in your heart and in your life for the things that matter. It is not enough to dream. The dreaming comes easy. You have to do things. You have to make choices.
Life is about choices.
We become our choices.
It is possible to change.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Meet the newest addition to the family!
It's Lucy Abbey Road. Yup she's a black lab puppy that is moved into the new house. She's my buddy. She's named after the Beatles and the greatest street in london and album by the beatles. She's a big fan already. She's with her two essential items her duck and my laptop.I've moved into the new place, and finally gotten internet and television going after a few weeks. So I'm back. It's going to take awhile for the wireless to kick in but so far this place rocks. work is going well and loving it. That's all for now. Here's another look at the new member of my fam.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
we sing we dance we steal things
I have finally gotten my hands on Jason Mraz's forthcoming album, we sing we dance we steal things. Tough week to be competing against the new release of Death Cab for Cutie's album (amazing). I had found out that Jason was releasing eps of this album with acoustic fun stuff before the full cd came out. Well I had gotten my hands on both the We Dance and the We Sing EPs. All the songs are done acoustically on these ep's. A big plus for the acoustic fans a.k.a. me. I am absolutely in love with a song called “A Beautiful Mess” - It’s classic Mraz which I have greatly missed. It’s got some excellent imagery and a few lines that I really love. He has also turned to many different types of influences. The addition of the strings to some songs is great. There is an ending where he has little kids singing on the song coyote. At the end you hear this one little boy singing and jason says...you were singing close to the mic weren't you. It's adorable. Dynamo of volition reminds me of curbside prophet on crack. It's great stuff.
I have all of Jason’s previous albums I've like them but the live selections for friends wasn't very impressive. It was what any jason mraz fan had already on their ipod. It lacked the profound lyrical content that made Jason’s music special in the first place. I wasn’t looking forward to the album before I heard this song but now I find myself anticipating the release date. I’ve always loved Jason’s laid back style, his smooth music, wearing his random hat of the week with a polaroid camera in hand. I miss the kid he used to be and hope he’s back now after the Sophomore slump. I haven’t seen him in concert since 2005 so it might be time to do so again soon.. we’ll see!
Over all great album pick it up it's worth it. (I'll send you a copy mom don't worry) I know if I had the chance to meet this guy, I think Jason and I would be pals. We could go down to the beach and relax in the sun and rock out san diego. A girl can dream I guess.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
FROM THE HEART.... (parts from the man himself JM)
This is about us all.
This is about a level of self consciousness so high in my generation, that it's actually toxic.
This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she's awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She'll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she's happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she's done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like " I don't give a f*ck what you think about me. "
This is about the person trying out for American Idol, who while going off about how confident they are that they were born ready to sing in front of the world, are trembling so badly they can hardly breathe.
This is about the guy who walks through a throng of photographers into a restaurant like he's Paul Newman, but who leaves a "reject" pile of clothes in his closet so high that his cleaning lady can't figure out how one man can step into so many pairs of pants in a week.
This is about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog that subsists on tearing other people down but who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man.
This is about us all. Every one of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.
I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. We were spoken to by name through a television. We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing.
And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact. And for me, now sounds about right.
What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me.
Root for others.
Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.
Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that.
And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous life, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you.
And I'll be quiet now.
This is about us all.
This is about a level of self consciousness so high in my generation, that it's actually toxic.
This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she's awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She'll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she's happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she's done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like " I don't give a f*ck what you think about me. "
This is about the person trying out for American Idol, who while going off about how confident they are that they were born ready to sing in front of the world, are trembling so badly they can hardly breathe.
This is about the guy who walks through a throng of photographers into a restaurant like he's Paul Newman, but who leaves a "reject" pile of clothes in his closet so high that his cleaning lady can't figure out how one man can step into so many pairs of pants in a week.
This is about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog that subsists on tearing other people down but who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man.
This is about us all. Every one of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it's incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we're all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don't want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn't going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn't feel the negativity, but that's because I couldn't feel much of anything. And I think I'm done with that.
I'm not the first person to admit we're all self conscious, Kanye was. But what I want to do is to shed a little light on why we're all in the same boat, no matter the shape of the life we lead: because every one of us were told since birth that we were special. We were spoken to by name through a television. We were promised we could be anything that we wanted to be, if only we believed it and then, faster than we saw coming, we were set loose into the world to shake hands with the millions of other people who were told the exact same thing.
And really? Really? It turns out we're just not all that special, when you break it down. Beautifully unspectacular, actually. And that truth is going to catch up with us whether we want to run from it or not. It's just a matter of how old you are once you embrace that fact. And for me, now sounds about right.
What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me.
Root for others.
Give more and expect the same in return, but over time.
Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that.
And when it's all over, whether at the end of this fabulous life, I should look back and say that I had it good and I made the most of it while I was able. And so should you.
And I'll be quiet now.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
My ideas on politics...(sort of)
Patriotism 101, Ignorance & Why I’m VOTING for President Obama!
Patriotism isn’t necessarily a good thing. When the World Trade Center was skillfully felled, Americans felt threatened suddenly, and were told immediately it was the doing of Terrorists from Afghanistan. With blind faith we wielded our flags and gave permission to our young men to leave home and begin global terror of our own. We continued blindly down that road for years until hundred of communities and thousands of lives were destroyed by US brute force.
Yes, the United States, a country founded by immigrants in search of promise and independence, is the same country that suspiciously views any non-American as some kind of enemy or alien species. How did this happen? Since when did we become some proud American Race? (This is not something I have yet encountered in my History of the United States 1865 to present. I wonder if this question will ever be answered)
Heck. I forget sometimes that the early settlers, pilgrims, and explorers also relied on slavery and the slaughtering of indigenous tribes. So perhaps we’re doing nothing new and being bad is just stuck in our genes.
Growing up, there was always at least one kid at school from some place else and he or she never EVER posed a threat to me. I was always impressed with their worldly view or neat cultural interests they displayed at talent shows and show & tell.
Patriotism has caused this country to think it’s the only country in the world, that the world should respect our authority for some reason. This singular way of thinking is not only making the US an embarrassment, it’s positioning us quickly as the new enemy.
I do not want someone in the White House with previous WAR experience. I am NOT voting for Patriotism. I am voting for peace, progress, and unity. Sadly, this vote is referred to as the vote for change. Because peace, progress and unity is something we still do not represent in the United States.
I do not want someone in the White House who will continue to seek out Al-Qaeda and trick TV watching Americans into thinking we should invade Iran. (Sadly, that is what is happening between commercial breaks, and some candidates are oddly supporting MORE WAR. ????)
I also do not want someone in the White House who continues to allow lobbyists to influence the decisions of our lawmakers. The corporate money that contributes to Congress will always be worth more than your votes or phone calls that you make to your Senator or Representative. Chain emails and petitions don’t seem to have the same charm as their fat checks. If it did, Health Care would be affordable or free, our vehicles would be electric, and there would likely be enough jobs for everyone in the country, as we wouldn’t have closed so many manufacturing plants in the last 50 years. I personally am not a fan of the people who can barely understand me every time I call Sprint for work because they are in India with fake “American” names.
With enough votes, Washington will HAVE to listen to us. It’s been too close in the past therefore the WAR-mongers keep on doing their dirty business.
Our nation is divided in far too many ways. We are split socially and economically and it’s at its worst inside the government.
Republicans and Democrats are both Americans with equal rights, yet somehow they are discriminated against based on opinion and fall too favorably to one side or the other without being open to respectful dialogue.
I’m being drastic, but I’m not.
I hope America can pull itself out of the hole she appears to be in. I hope the dollar can climb back up to a realistic value. I hope the Corporations are given less power and local people are able to participate in capital adventures again.
Rather than put so much emphasis on enemies and foreign policies, I hope America wakes up to its own poverty situation. We are not the leaders of the free world anymore, so why not do some housework in the meantime and get our shit together.
In the last 100 years. More than 100 million people have been killed in Wars. Perhaps you know someone who has been affected by this. I know I do.
Please vote for change. Please vote for Peace. War is over if you want it.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
May not get a tan but I'll get a tattoo instead.
So I found a new site that does blogging. I'm going to continue to write on here and there but we'll see which one works out better. Here is the link to the new blog--> Life of Aubs
This is from last night....
This is from last night....
News in my life…I have gotten a tattoo, yup my first one. It didn’t hurt like I thought it would, not at all actually. I was mentally preparing for a lot of pain because it was on my foot. It felt like vibrations on a sunburn, so nothing bad at all. To be honest the worst part was the burning sensation after it was done. I really love it and think it’s the greatest tribute in the world to one of the most important person who has ever come into my life. Here it is, there are a few meanings behind it and I’ll explain those later.
So here it is, my dove. This is something I have wanted to do in honor of my grandpa Paul ever since he passed away. He had this connection and peace with doves when he was near the end of his battle with cancer. He said that he would send one whenever we were in a need of comfort or peace. I may not have seen a snow white dove like he has but I have seen many a mourning dove. It is a nice reminder that he’s always watching over me. He and I were very close, I was his first and only grand-daughter. I was the only one he really got to know and see grow up. He told my mom that she couldn’t have any more children after me because, there is no way god could create such an amazing angel again. I have been thinking about this tattoo ever since he passed away. I finally found one I liked and thought about it for a little bit longer. My mom said that she had to be there to get it so I got it down here in Greensboro at Little John’s Tattoo Shop. It was a nice sign that the heart on the left side made a P, I know that he would have loved it. Now no matter what my grandpa will be with me(even though I know he has been with me ever since he has been gone), with anything I do in life. I know he would be proud of me his very own knuckle head, and he’ll always be my gooney bird.
Another reason behind it is that I believe in peace and love, these are somethings that are very important in my life. Love is huge, it’s what makes the world go around. Without love life would be pointless, we wouldn’t have a meaning. I also am a believer in peace, there are better things than arguing and killing people over pointless things.
So this one is for you Grandpa Paul, I miss you and love you. I’m sure you’re up there making everyone laugh and causing a ruckus. I’ll do my best to keep it crazy fun down here just for you.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Yes we can.
I've been waiting a long time for this change to come. I'd never been vocal about my voting choices as I've always preferred to keep off the opinion block. Not every election have I been clear on every proposition or amendment to each new law. The long road down the pamphlets of political jargon can be harrowing.
Early in this Campaign is was listening intently to Huckabee. Then I heard Barack Obama speak and became curious about politics for the first time in my life. Then I actually saw him speak here and became a huge believer. I will be reading his book soon. My vote went to him in the Wisconsin primary and will go to him again in November.
Never before has our country been so ready for such a young, gifted and passionate leader. He represents the powerful thinkers, those who give real speeches and believe in big magical dreams. Americans shouldn't be embarrassed to be Americans anymore.
Watch this wicked video of our future Slam Poet President, i love it.
see also www.barackobama.com for a better view of a great candidate. Read the polls that show how Hilary doesn't appear to have the support to beat McCain. Obama does!
Early in this Campaign is was listening intently to Huckabee. Then I heard Barack Obama speak and became curious about politics for the first time in my life. Then I actually saw him speak here and became a huge believer. I will be reading his book soon. My vote went to him in the Wisconsin primary and will go to him again in November.
Never before has our country been so ready for such a young, gifted and passionate leader. He represents the powerful thinkers, those who give real speeches and believe in big magical dreams. Americans shouldn't be embarrassed to be Americans anymore.
Watch this wicked video of our future Slam Poet President, i love it.
see also www.barackobama.com for a better view of a great candidate. Read the polls that show how Hilary doesn't appear to have the support to beat McCain. Obama does!
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