Well I guess that is that...

So I’ve been down here in the south for almost 2 years now. Yes it has seemed much longer than it really has been, but I’ve stayed in touch with almost everyone from college and friends I had in Wisconsin. I found out via facebook tonight that one of the girls who I was roommates with and very close with through out college got engaged…..in October. I’m not sure how to take all of it. I guess I should expected it because my other roommate got married and I didn’t even get an invite to the wedding. Silly me thought it got lost in the mail. Funny thing is, I’m moving back to Wisconsin at some point in the same city as some of them, maybe I won’t tell them and randomly run into them on the street. and ignore them.

All it makes me think is that I have been forgotten about or I am…

f o r g e t t a b l e……

p.s. why are all my friends getting married but me? I feel like I'm the one left out of a huge joke. What if I wanted to get engaged too?? (no there is no potential guy in my life to even thing of marrying or dating, in case you were wondering mom, so I guess I'll be left out of the joke for a long while....)

My childhood best friend got married at the Aubreyland Hotel!!!

My childhood best friend since we were 18 months old, on the left, who got married this weekend. My date, his younger brother Garrett on the right. These guys have been like my family since forever. So happy for you Jaron!

It's kind of funny ever since we were little we talked about being in each other's weddings but having a girl be a best man wouldn't work out too well. We've grown apart over the years but stayed in contact the best we could. I would call him and he would maybe get back to me, typical of him. So I wasn't a part of the wedding party but he got married at MY land. Well not really but ever since I was little when my parents and grand parents took me to Opryland, I would call it Aubreyland instead. (I personally think it works) Even as we were driving the GPS would call it Aubrey land instead of it's real name. So it was kind of nice knowing I indirectly was part of the wedding, even if it wasn't planned that way.

Perspective from November 24th

Tonight was a night that I wasn’t expecting. It was nice and needed thinking about it now. I went back to my old job to pick up the new Kanye West CD. (Since I still technically work for the big blue box I still get my discount, yay!) All of the supervisors I worked with were there as well as 3 managers. After I walked out the door I had a wonderful conversation with my old supervisor. Well wonderful for me, not for him. This is the supervisor that’s job I should have gotten. It was later revealed to me that they regretted and should have chosen me for the job, not him.

We talked for over an hour outside the store on how bad it is. How much he hates his job and the rest of the store hates working there. How he’s looking for any way out. Even if it was a cut in pay and position. It was a sign for me. I needed to hear all of these things that they are going through. How much the job has sucked. I thought, this could have been me! I could be hating my job and getting yelled at every day, worried if I would be fired every day I walked into that building.

While we were talking I had this feeling of being thankful for where I am now. I’ve moved on from the black hole that is sucking the life out of everyone. It made me love my job even more than I do. I may get stressed out because things are not being done the right way, or my boss is stressing out for no reason, stressing me out, BUT I’d take that any day over what it was like at my old job. I AM HAPPY going into work each day. I no longer am in fear of losing my job like everyone is at my old store. I am appreciated for doing things and respected by most of the people I work with. (There is one that doesn’t respect me but I’m over it, and that person.)

Tonight was needed, to appreciate and have an attitude of gratitude for my job now. It’s also nice to laugh in their faces that I ended up in a better place than they did, those who doubted me. So whenever I’m having a bad day, people at work are bothering me, I need to remember this night. This conversation. Because I could have it one billion times worse than what it is. The universe works in crazy ways and tonight it showed me that everything happens for a reason. Always remember that.

My cousin just added me on facebook

(this is from November 4th)

So my dad has 4 siblings, all who have at least 4 kids per sibling. I have avoided the whole being friends with them on facebook for a few reasons.

1) We NEVER have been close. Close as is in physical location or close as a relationship.

2) Last time I saw any of them I was 8 years old, I’m 24 now. Most of them were babies or wouldn’t remember or know me. A lot has changed since I was 8, my haircut being the first thing.

3) My dad’s side of the family has a very hard time communicating with each other. This side of the family just sends out generic christmas cards each year to each other. That’s it. Nothing more. For example, I found out one of my cousins who is my age, got married and had a baby, after the fact from my grandma. This is something you usually share with your family right?

I’m happy in my little bubble of my mom, dad and little brothers. I’m not sure how I’m going to like this whole facebook with extended family thing. Because you know once one cousin adds you, the rest of the family will find out and add you….

HERE COMES AN TON OF OLD POSTS and increase in my bloggage as an update

"Finish every day and be done with it...You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it.....serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

The U-Haul showed up today in the driveway. I feel like I've seen this picture before, oh wait I HAVE! Just it was to move down to this state. But now it's for my dad to move back to Madison December 1st. YAY for him getting a job, now it's just my mom, jay and myself living in this huge house. It will be interesting that's for sure. Just have to ride the waves....
Love and hugs to you all!!

I've been MIA on here. Life has been crazy and tonight was one of them. I will write about it later to update those who actual read this....my mom ha. But this is something I came across tonight and figured it fit what I'm running into in life right now. Maybe I'll tattoo it on my arm so I can always remember it.

Be loved. Be known. Love people and know people. Be so brave as to raise a hand for help when you need. Make friends and make sure they know they matter. Be loyal to them and fight for them. Remind them what’s true and invite them to do the same when you forget. If you do some losing or you walk with someone else in their defeat, live with dignity and grace. It is a middle finger to the darkness.

Pressure....

Not only sinus pressure, but pressure to perform OUT OF THIS WORLD at my new job I’ve been at for less than 5 days.

Let’s rewind about 3 pm yesterday (I am about to be off at 4:30 and sick as a dog)…

*ring* *ring*

“Aubrey it’s A. I need you to have everything ready for the store tomorrow by 9:30 am (we open at 10) We sucked at this promotion last week when I wasn’t at the store, if I knew I was going to miss two Fridays, I wouldn’t have booked these flights. So what I need you to do is make sure my boss has pictures of the store (her boss is one of the nine that founded the company I work for, holy hell), we have to have an amazing sales day, and more and more and more things she mentioned. (She’s freaking out on how much she got crap at the company wide gathering in LA this week because of the stores performance last Friday. This freaking out leads to me freaking out.) Aubrey, no pressure but this has to go AMAZINGLY well, this is your time to shine, I know you can do it. (Did I mention, I’ve only been at this job for less than 4 days.) I need you to get balloons and blow a shit ton of them up and put them everywhere (did my boss just say a shit ton, crap I just got side tracked), I mean everywhere. I also need you to go print of 1000 flyers and hand them out to hotels, restaurants, any where possible. I need you to stress to the employees how important tomorrow is for us. I also need you to make sure the signs are ready to go for tomorrow. (Did I mention I only had at this point an hour left in my shift) So go out there and rock it, because we CAN NOT suck tomorrow, we will look terrible if we do. I will talk to you later.” *click*

At this point I feel like I’ve been blind sided by a huge double-decker bus. I have no idea WHAT or HOW I’m supposed to be doing all these things she mentioned. Lack of training plays a role here. So I do everything I can to get things done while at work, I ran to Kinko’s, ran to the big Best Buy, and got things together for the store. I left a few things up to the lead in the store for the rest of the night to be done.

So now it’s 8:30 am, I’ve got a monster energy drink and dayquil in me. I’m rocking out getting ready to open the store. I have an employee show up at 9 who was absolutely USELESS to me on getting this ready, he literally sat on his ass. The lead got one thing done out of the five I asked him to do. I made so many freakin’ balloons, my skin blistered on my fingers where I tied the actual balloons. I was moving so fast because 9:30 deadline, have to make it. After a few mess ups, I did make the deadline. This is only part one, the controllable part.

The sales part was much harder, the mall is a tough place, a uncontrollable place. You never know who you’re going to get in. When it comes to checking someones credit, it makes it even harder. I checked a group of people to see if they could get a phone I think every six people, and each time they had a ridiculously huge deposits and said no.

Thank God for my parents coming in to activate a new line for my little brother. Because of them it started the process of it raining. “When it rains it pours.” I ending up knocking out 7 HUGE sales. This is just me, I’ve got others who are doing the same thing on 2 other registers. This is AMAZING considering yesterday we did 2 phones. I ended up helping a customer an hour past when I was supposed to leave, but I didn’t care. I fought for every dang sale I had and it paid off. Walking out for the day felt so amazing, because I knew I knocked it out of the park.

My manager gets back from her trip tomorrow and it’s my day off, we’ll see how she thinks yesterday went. I do know this, from the pictures I sent she said the store looked amazing. (I think, wait I know, I’m going to kick ass at this new job) Now if you’d excuse me I’m going to pass out from exhaustion and this ridiculous cold.

King of Anything??

So many things I'd say if only I were able but I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by...

Hi My name is ___________and I am a complete and total douche bag. I'm super disappointed in ____. Thought he was a cool dude but when it comes between getting into someone's pants and being your friend, he's going to chose getting in someone's pants. To quote them "and unless the end goal is sexy...i just don't care." I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS WHAT A D-BAG THIS PERSON IS!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm not the one who's lost with no direction, but you won't ever see. You're so busy makin' maps
with my name on them in all caps. You got the talkin' down just not the listening. And who cares if you disagree, you are not me. Who made you king of anything??

Another one bites the dust.

You know, they say matter could be neither created nor destroyed. But I feel like there’s been this new matter of this fake fucking hate that doesn’t actually exist, except in the people who feel it. So there’s all this negative energy going around and it’s not real. You wouldn’t actually get it if you stood face to face with somebody. You could read about it on your MySpace page. You can hear that it’s out there somewhere. But when you actually go face to face it’s not there because we’re having split personalities now. We have like a internet personality and our loving selves personality. And I just want to tell the internet to go fuck itself because I’m in front of a whole bunch of people who are sending me real love and that’s all that matters. I can’t deal with that much of a multiple people in my life, I can just deal with the people in front of me who are sending me love. In your own way just deal with the love in front of you, don’t deal with that world outside of ether, cause it doesn’t exist. There are people losing sleep over what they think is hate and the person that wrote that shitty little comment on the internet isn’t thinking about it anymore. So just go on the assumption that you’re awesome….

you think that I’ve offended you, well then come on up to me face to face and I’ll give you a high five and a hug. Cause I got an analog heart. This shit don’t have USB, it’s just me. I can’t hook up to 3G, I just got to let it be. You know what I’m saying? It’s a little abstract, I will admit, but my point is, just spend all your time on love, just spend your time on this, just love more. When in doubt, shut your eyes and love. I promise it works, I’ve been trying it for a little while. It’s an awesome little thing to do.

Life update

I've been MIA from the blog scene for a few days

I've had a severe ear ache on Friday of last week so I went to the doctor. They said it was swimmer's ear (I haven't been to a pool in more than 3 weeks) gave me drops and let me go on my painful merry way. Well the drops haven't done anything, I've got a right ear that feels like it's exploding inside, and nothing is helping with the pain. So I have spent the majority of my time stuck in bed resting as much as possible. (Netflix is my best friend and I've already made it through a season and a half of veronica mars....great show)

Today I tried to venture out into the world and act normal on my day off. I went with my mom on a spoon hunt. I'm going to attempt and eventually succeed at making spoon rings. I found a bunch of cool ones, and one that fits perfectly for a friend of mine in Colorado : ) I came home and hit the wall. I guess my body is still saying stop what you are doing and rest.....you need to feel better instead of pushing it. The worst part of all of this is that going into work is making it worse, but calling out is not an option. So for now I'm going to take my twice daily ear drops, pain killers, and pray that my ear gets better by this Friday or another trip to the doctor it is for me.

So trying to lay low for awhile, if anyone wants to join me in my bed to watch a movie feel free, it's not like I'm going anywhere or contagious. I just want to feel better...positive thoughts and love a much appreciated.

Figured it was fitting....

No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before, this is
No broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, too much to hold, everybody wants has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.
Stuck under the ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...


Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
So lonely, Never knew how much I didn't know,
Oh, everything is uncharted.
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no
Waiting for the road to be laid
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out

Compare, where you are to where you want to be, and you'll get nowhere

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how

To get started, it's all uncharted...

Just Love

There is so much running through my mind.....my brain is going crazy, but I'm going to get it all figured out and into a blog later. It's late and I've got an appointment with my bud tomorrow. A very taxing and draining day was finished with a very amazing and up lifting conversation with an AMAZING friend. More to come from that in a future blog.

But what our conversation came down to tonight, is that people need to look outside of their bubble and recognize the beauty (even the little things, like a patch of green grass) all around us. You have to love people where they are at in life, not where you want them to be. Love is a powerful thing and just loving on people will impact their lives and your life in more ways than you can everrrrrrrrr imagine.

So just love....slow down and love others because it's a huge thing that people forget to do. Even if it's loving the shades they are wearing, or smile they have on their face. Just L-O-V-E love. Hugs also make everything better too.

Blame A Boy With a Guitar Playing at the Red Rocks

So I had it all set up ready to rock. Ready to blog, but I saw that John Mayer was broadcasting live from the red rocks tonight.....I got sucked in. So as I type I'm split screening watching him play at the red rocks and writing this blog. How's that for multi-tasking!!!

"Deal with the love that is in front of you, don't worry about the hate from outside sources. Just focus on the love, the love right face to face with you. When in doubt shut your eyes and love."-Words to live by spoken right now from the mouth of a creative genius John Mayer

I was thinking tonight that I would love to work for a musician and go on the road with them on tour. Or even be involved through the record label or management company. So I did a little searching....it's hard to get in to. (Dang) You really have to know someone and just fall into the job to tour with an artist or band. I guess I can dream or come up with a solution to my idea. I think it's something I would have a blast at, hanging around music all day and helping others enjoy the awesome music in person, live themselves. Everyone remembers their first concert they went to, how cool would it be to say you were a part of that???

To add to the list of self discovery: find a way into the music industry to help others experience the amazingness that music brings into their lives like it has mine.

Being that I'm on a music kick I figured I'd share some pictures from the M5 show and John Mayer concerts of awesomeness....enjoy and let me know what you think!

Walls

"The story of my life I can't quite comprehend, don't tell me if you know how it ends. When every where you go feels like a mirror maze and you're not sure how you got stuck in this place...."-Walls by The Rocket Summer

So today I had my third meeting with my therapist. Yes crazy scary word right there in itself. I don't like the negative connotations that come with it. I'm going to call her the person I go to to talk about life. Dig through the mud that life has brought to me. Am I ashamed to say I go to a therapist? No but I don't like the way people will automatically think I'm "broken" which I'm not.

It's rather nice to have an un-bias person there to listen. She always asks these crazy questions. Like define what a "real woman is." or "What's the perfect life/family/person look like?" There are so many facets to these questions that I can't even wrap my mind around. But that's her job, to push me to figure these things out.

I had to make a life graph for today's session. (life graph is where you put positive and negative things that happened in your life on a page.) It was a great reason to pull out my sharpies and COLOR!! It also was a way to look back on my life and see the ups and downs. It proved to me that live is NOT black and white like everyone would like to think it is. I said something pretty big today that I've learned to live in the gray, life is nothing but gray. We talked a lot about it and didn't even get through most of the graph. Have we gotten through the mud, no. But at least we've encountered it and are now can start to clean it up where it needs cleaning. It also starts my discovery of what makes ME happy. There are so many things but I'm not sure what will keep my cup full career wise, life wise, relationship wise. Slowly those things will be discovered.....

Some random things on my brain to get out:

• The Rocket Summer is playing a very intimate show on October 12th in Chapel Hill. I want to go so bad, but I don't have anyone to go with here. Nobody I know is a big TRS fan. I might just go by myself, or bring my mom. Feels like she's my go to on concert buddy. If you want to come join me, that'd be awesome : )
• Work is draining me, I'm doing my new supervisor's work. I can't quit working hard, it would feel like quitting and I won't. It sucks when you know you, yourself would have been a better fit, but management passed you up.
• I've been listening to John Mayer A LOT recently. Why, I'm not sure, but there is a reason behind it. (I'm talking always playing in my car, at work, everywhere...its kind of creepy)
• I'm trying to find a cool e-card to send to Maroon 5 and Shawn but it seems to be hard. How do you send a cool e-card to a Grammy award winning band and amazingly sweet dude? If anyone could help me here that'd be awesome too!
  
• I am really hoping this job in Madison goes through for my dad. I know this place is not for me. Madison is pretty awesome, I'd love it there. I also could move to Chicago which I know would fit my life perfectly. We will see.... I kind of want to go pack up and move somewhere random and start on my own, but I can't leave my family behind. Maybe one day...
• I was going to take a nap today, but that didn't happen....sleep is so over rated sometimes
  
• This self discovery thing is scary. Maybe it's my quarter life crisis???? Do people have those?
  
• I'm buying the new season of House today, I have catching up to do.
  
• I need a vacation, any ideas???

Alright I think that's enough mind vomit for this post. I'm really going to try to keep up with my blogging game from now on. It's nice to get out : ) Don't forget to hug someone or smile at someone who looks like they need one. Love and smiles are very powerful. -Aubs

p.s. welcome to the blog world Tara so glad you joined this crazy place.

Hanging with the boys

Last night was a wonderful night full of Maroon 5 action. It was great to catch up with Shawn again. I absolutely love him, my mom and I have known him forever. He knows all about my moms cancer and was the one who told her that she needed to start smoking the reefer. We got there around 4 and talked to Shawn for a good hour back stage. I had to teach him how to use his phone and tweet. It was interesting to see Adam L. pop up on the phone as a text message saying they scratched Madden 11 and needed a new one. It seemed like such an emergency to him. Shawn is such a rad dude and offered to give us tickets with seats instead of us having to be general admission to the show. Such a relief because it wasn't a good day for my mom, I was worried about her so sitting down would work out great. We hung out back stage chatted for a long time then said our good byes and wandered to dinner.

Dinner was great and we ended up going back to the venue to get our tickets. Well when we got to the show it was like going back to the Kress Event Center, same layout same everything so a very small venue. But we had a ticket mix up. I didn't want to bother Shawn about it because I know how busy he was. I just sent a tweet out about ticket mix up and he freaked. He came out during Kris Allen's set looking for us in the crowd, he had gotten us another set of tickets so we would be comfortable. What an amazing guy! He said don't worry about tickets ever again I have you covered like always. So I hung in the pit while my mom went to get much needed rest. Come to find out Jesse was just wandering around and she had a great conversation with him for awhile. Another amazing person and musician.

Maroon 5 came on and as much as I have loved them forever, it wasn't the greatest show in the world. They played a lot of old songs and it was a lot like the last show that I had been to. So it got boring. Maybe it was because I was coming off the John Mayer awesomeness and his crazy interactions with the crowd. There wasn't that here. I don't know it just felt odd. But I've seen them soooo many times, maybe I've just got used to it. I got some great pictures and headed up to our seats with my mom for the rest of the show. She said it wasn't fun at all, which made me feel terrible, she had wished she felt better to go down there and deal with the pushing and shoving of the shows but didn't have it in her. Life with cancer can be tough on your body and last night was an example. The show was over and we got to talk to Shawn one more time. He said, I tried searching for you on facebook and can't find you!!! Big step for a guy who doesn't know how to work anything technical. When we got our hugs and kisses goodbye I whispered in his ear thanks for taking care of her. He said any time and if we needed anything to let him know. We exchanged contact information again and he said to keep in touch.

It was more amazing hanging out with Shawn and back stage than the show sadly, hopefully once the new album comes out they will have a bigger and better stage show than just them up there. But over all a great night, still love the Maroon 5 boys and Shawn even if the show wasn't the greatest.

This is why I love Shawn...a tweet he sent: dollarbill_TETE @ridingthewaves there we go... Your mom is so rad... I wish nothing but the best for both of you... Genuine sweetness is hard to come by

Friend ship......the boat of life

Right now on the top of my mind is friends. I am trying to be friends with the ex-boyfriend. I right now am at the point in my life that I need friends there for me and are worth investing time in. These friends are the ones who are willing to invest their own time in me. It's a two way street. I do not need someone who is going to take being friends with me lightly. This might be too much to ask from a person, but maybe it's not. I know that it's getting to the time in many of my friends lives where you have to actively try to be friends with someone. I have enough people who I just say hi to, I really don't need anymore.

Maybe it's me, but I don't think I need another person in my life that I just say hi to. I want someone who cares enough to know how I really am doing, and ask because they want to know. I don't think I'm willing to invest time into something on the just hi level. Only time will tell if this whole trying to be friends this is right.....I don't need another surface stuff friend in my life. So now should jump the ship on this one and swim for shore or see were this ship sails off to???

Road to discovery starts tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be a big step for me. I'm going to rediscover myself. I lost it some where at some point. Tomorrow I'm going to sit in front of a counselor and talk about my life, and find out where things went wrong. It's a scary thing, but it is something that I need to do.
I need to discover myself
I need to find out what makes ME happy, what can make myself feel complete, not how to complete others. Find that self confidence and self esteem I haven't had in who knows how long. I need to stop looking for fulfillment by trying to be accepted by others by their standards. I need to be myself instead of trying so hard to fit into the mold of what someone else wants. I deserve amazing things, but believing that is the hard part. I have a lot of learning to do. It isn't going to be easy, but admitting to it and make a step towards change is the hardest part. I'm going to try to blog more about it, be it here or on my tumblr....who knows. I was surfing the web and read this blog and it fits perfectly into what I'm starting on tomorrow.

Ring the Bells-Satellite
Find the words that make it right again

Calling birds help you make it through the night

It's just enough to find a way to open up again

and learn to taste all the beauty that's inside

Well ring the bells that lead you home

cause the only truth I've ever known

is that nothing ever hurts us more than love

so circle up your best of friends

and we'll celebrate the way it ends

At least we live tonight

At least we live tonight

Scream out loud

until you feel again

and hear the sound of how to heal an aching heart

and those that know you most

can help you to live again

so keep them close

as you're making your new start

Well ring the bells that lead you home

cause the only truth I've ever known

is that nothing ever hurts us more than love

so circle up your best of friends

and we'll celebrate the way it ends

At least we live tonight

At least we live tonight

The day you finally turn to dust

and finally hear your name

brings colors that will never fade away

Sometimes the best all of us

can still break down

and still give up on love

but it's never gone

Simple

I wish that when I was younger I could have met my current self. We would have sat down at a coffee shop so that I could explain life to young me in terms that only we would understand. It would have saved me a lot of hardship.

You can listen to all the sage wisdom you want, but things only make sense when you can explain them to yourself in your own words. For instance, I’ve been told for three years that Breaking Bad is the best show on television, but only after I watched it was I able to tell myself exactly why everyone was right. Other truths I know now that I can explain them: that I’m not missing any crucial information and that poker really isn’t all that fun; that heartbreaks do fade but they take about a year longer than you expect and by the time they do you really don’t care about it enough to notice; and above all else, life is simpler than you think.

I used to think that life was an intricate series of levers and pulleys, buttons and switches, Mexican standoffs and hostage negotiations. As I get older I realize that life is more Netherlands minimalist than Jackson Pollock. The problems don’t get fewer, and in fact they grow in number, but the way I index them in the database is different. More problems get filed under fewer category headers.

Things are getting simpler, and it’s making life better. Here’s the cheat sheet:

People want to be liked. We all crave attention and affection and we all reject shame. When we get embarrassed we send a thug version of ourselves to the forefront to do our fighting for us. We’re at the top of the food chain just under fear. We don’t want to be in a relationship to hear the words “I love you,” we want to be in a relationship to say the words “I love you.” We want to feel needed, and exceptional and we hate feeling insignificant. We want to ace a hearing test. We are binary creatures; if we’re the plaintiff, we want to win every dollar. If we’re the defendant, we want guard every penny. We want to make more money than last year. We don’t want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We go out on weekends to try and have sex while trying not to get punched in the face. We drink so we can be ourselves and not mind it so much. We’re desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it, too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard wasn’t all that into us change their minds and admit they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes, just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don’t know exactly how to pleasure each other. We just want love. In any and every form.

See? It’s simple. :)

(Thanks John Mayer....you continually prove to the world you aren't some d-bag that's famous for your music)

Maroon 5 knows me oh so well....

Oh yeah
Oh yeah
So scared of breaking it
But you won't let it bend
And I wrote two hundred letters
I will never send
Sometimes these cut are so much
Deeper then they seem
You'd rather cover up
I'd rather let them bleed
So let me be
I'll set you free

I am in misery
There ain't nobody
Who can comfort me
Oh yeah
Why won't you answer me?
Your silence is slowly killing me
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back

Your salty skin and how
It mixes in with mine
The way it feels to be
Completely intertwined
Not that I didn't care
It's that I didn't know
It's not what I didn't feel,
It's what I didn't show
So let me be
I'll set you free

I am in misery
There ain't nobody
Who can comfort me
Oh yeah
Why won't you answer me?
Your silence is slowly killing me
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back


You say your faith is shaken
You may be mistaken
You keep me wide awake and
Waiting for the sun
I'm desperate and confused
So far away from you
I'm getting near
I don't care where I have to run

Why do you do what you do to me, yeah
Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah
Why do you do what you do to me yeah
Why won't you answer me, answer me yeah

I am in misery
There ain't nobody
Who can comfort me
Oh yeah
Why won't you answer me?
Your silence is slowly killing me
Girl you really got me bad
You really got me bad
I'm gonna get you back
I'm gonna get you back

my mom wants me to blog. I've had a terrible awful no good day.....how about that for a blog? Here's something taken from John Mayer's tumblr.......

What do you do when you are having an awful day?

First of all, sorry you’re having an awful day. (People don’t ask these kinds of questions when they’re sipping drinks by a pool.)

What do I do when I’m having an awful day? I time travel. Well, sort of. Here’s how I cheat the math:

Question: Is this problem going to change your life forever or will there come a day this problem will no longer exist?

If you decide the problem won’t exist after a certain period of time, then you can file it under “temporary.” Which brings me to step number two: if the problem is temporary, then you can sort of detach from the “now-ness” of the discomfort. I’m not saying ignore the lessons in the problem. Definitely learn from the problem, work to solve it, but spare yourself the existential grief, because it will get you nowhere. (This coming from an existential grief-master.)

Okay, better way to explain it: you wake up to find you have a giant zit on your nose. Everyone can see it. But within a week that zit will be gone and nobody will remember you had a zit. Maybe they’ll have one instead. So if the zit will be gone next week and people will forget, is the zit REALLY there now? I say you can answer “no” if you bend your brain around it the right way.

You can’t travel through time, but you can send your thoughts and hopes into the future to camp out and wait for you to arrive there, where you’ll meet up and hug and decide that everything is alright again.

Work schmork

"Young and full of running, tell me where has it taken me? Just a great figure 8 or a tiny infinity? Love is really nothing but a dream that keeps waking me, for all my trying we still end up dying, how can that be? Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me, cause just about to set fire to everything I see."-Edge of Desire

So life has been interesting lately. Well I guess it's just what comes with the territory of my life. Right when you think everything is going great there is a giant curve ball thrown your way. I'm starting to be able to hit those curve balls out of the park.

I'm the only one right now with a job. It's a very weird and odd feeling to have in a house full of people. Maybe I'm not the happiest person when I get home, but when I'm fake smiling and trying to act like I care, it gets draining. I am really not liking a lot of things about my job now. I'm doing my best to make it fun for me but it's getting to the point where nothing is working.

Here's coming some-real-honest-my-gut-feelings-truth, so if you're not up for it stop reading now. You were warned.

Issue number one: I am a white female.
I work at a place that is predominately male. Also I am the minority. Everyone is african american. Nothing is wrong with that, but when you work at a place where the culture is completely different it is very hard. African American people at my store seem to stick together, white people are left out. For example, there was a cookout this weekend, who was invited every one but the white kids. Even if we showed up, we'd feel very out of place. Don't get me wrong, some people I work with are very accepting of the fact that we are from completely opposite spectrums of the world. But would they call me up to hang out at any point, nope. The racial barrier here is very evident. This point is proven by "it's a black thing" or "go help your cousin over there (in reference to another white person in the store)"

Now onto the female part. There are only 7 girls total that work on the sales floor at my store. Half of them barely even work. I am one of the few that are viewed as a leader in the store. I have worked hard to get where I am and I work with a bunch of asshole guys. Some who are just ignorant to the fact that a girl can be in power over them. A few are just plain rude to me, to my face. It's not cool. I have worked for this company a lot long than they have and know how this place is supposed to work. I know how to run a department the right way. I don't need you to ask me constantly what I'm doing, or ignorning me when I ask you to do something. Because I don't play video games like they do, I miss out on things. They all bond and talk over the game every night. My supervisor does things he should, since they game together they have their click. Breaking into that is never a fun thing, and they talk crap about you behind your back. Most of them aren't able to handle a smart intelligent girl in control. I believe most of them are suprised to see a girl not roll over at any single command they give. Get used to it boys, I'm not going to back down for anyone.

Issue Number Two: Management
We have gone through 3 managers in the past 6 months. The newest one is what I refer to as the red neck jersey shore general manager. He's got the gel in the hair, gold chain around his neck, and the terrible southern accent. He does not know how to run the store. Nobody is happy and living in fear of him, because he can fire any one of us for wearing the wrong shoes that day. Other managers have changed and have become very negative. A place that once was a family has become everyone for themselves. Doing what they can to make sure their butts are covered. It's all about what they can get out of me, never what they can do to help me out. They ultimately are the ones who have made me hate my job. It's no longer fun, no longer enjoyable. It's all about how we suck and we're the worst thing possible.

So what have I done to fix the situation? I've applied for a new job (the resume and application went out yesterday:: WISH ME LUCK), that covers a bunch of things that are awesome. 1) It actually uses my degree 2) Pays very well and benefits are great 3)I am with sports and kids all day, who wouldn't love doing that job? 4) I'd be the boss!


I've missed this blogging thing, I'm going to try to get back into the swing of the things and write more. Things to write about at a later date:: My non-existant love live, My concert musings and music in my world aka Silver Bullet, my life in general.

Much love to you tonight and every night.

p.s. Are you happy now mom?!

My love for Mr. John Mayer, he some times comes up with some amazing quotes on life. Thinking of getting my blog game back on....maybe, we'll see.

So I have been informed that there are those out there who want me to update more. Well here it is. I'm finally on vacation after doing some HIGH bargaining with my managers and flights through United. So far it's been very interestingly fun. I've had a blast and have been relaxing. I'm really excited to see everyone else I've not seen yet. I'm going to go back to relaxing and I will update this when I have time to. Love and peace and hopefully all is well with you.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
I hate my job and I'm going to burst. I won't be able to get a vacation any time soon because they rejected my time off. OH MY GOODNESS I AM GOING TO LOSE IT!!! I just wanted to go to wisconsin to get away from it all for a week, see my friends and get that energy that I needed. BUT NO! Everyone else gets their time off and what do I get absolutely NOTHING. I do more work at the store than some managers do...........Maybe I should look into the apple store and see what they have to offer me or even better working with cell phones again. I need something that isn't going to kill me physically or mentally all the fucking time.
Had to let that out. Sorry mom for the swear words. It had to be said. (and one more for good measure FUCK!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!

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I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
I talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

Mmmm...

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

Mmmm...

But somehow I know that it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

They say all's fair.
And in love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and,
We'll be united.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And being in your life is gonna change me.
And now I can see every single possibility, mmmm.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get,
Than I get, than I get, than I get.

Ohhh!

You know it'll all turn out.
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And I promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I just haven't met you yet.
Ohh, promise you, kid, to give so much than I get.

My rant for the night.

By the demands of my faithful follower (my mom) she wanted me to keep on writing. Well to be honest the beginning of the new year started with me in bed early. I was stood up by a stupid boy who was stupid in leading me on. I guess it's another reason why i should be very very very VERY careful with who I develop feelings for. I didn't even really have much feelings like the butterflies or anything but what bothers me is I fell into the trap. The trap of deception that "hey he could be okay" and fell for the words that he said. BUT again my better judgement I went with it, and look where it got me now. Hating boys and wishing that it would all just go away. I'm lonely I hate it and I don't know how to make it better. To think of it this way (mom) my last real relationship was with Johnny, the crazy almost 4 years ago. It makes me feel like I'm broken and not worth the time for a relationship, even with a friggin' NERD! Damaged goods called Aubrey, might as well stay away from those who are broken. My friends are not here and the ones I have here are no where close to the ones I left. I miss them terribly. WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE GONE??