"If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time, you've dreamed a thousand dreams none seem to stick in your mind, two points for honesty it must make you sad that nobody cares at all...Nobody cares at all, they never cared at all." ~Right before starting this blog, my itunes had this song pop up first on party shuffle. It fits the feelings I've been having recently pretty perfectly to a few people. Wow guster is a wonderful mind reader.
I don't know about this whole break thing, but I'm liking the fact of being lazy and sleeping whenever and where ever I want. It can be boring seeing the same thing over and over each day but I'll take that over doing work and school. I have been thinking a lot too, on things that have occurred in the past semester. I really am having a hard time with certain friendships that I have. I know what is wrong and I need to fix it but it's something that I can't really do on my own. I wish that people would think outside of themselves. I guess this is a hard thing for me to do being that I have been raised to think about people other than myself and how my actions really do affect not just me but other people. As my mom puts it the ripple effect. I had a great conversation with my mom tonight on things that were really bugging me. It definitely helped get out things that I couldn't bring up to other people, people who don't know the whole situation, my mom does. It was good to get an honest opinion. I know she's going to let me know if I'm just being crazy or not.
It ultimately comes down to that I'm in a different place in my life and when dealing with others who don't know what they want it just makes it worse for me. I need people around me who know what they want and are going for it, not people who are aimlessly wandering around in life hoping to get something out of it. I need a challenge where as right now I'm definitely not getting that. I'm getting sucked into the negative energy and it's really bringing me down, emotionally and physically. I can tell. But I'm not that kind of person to let it get to me, I'm going to stick up for what I believe is right and the truth, NO MATTER WHAT. I wish people around me knew who they were and didn't have to change who they are depending on the people around them. I know who I am and I'm not changing that I realize that I've done a lot of growing up very fast and to be real honest I'm happy I am where I am right now.
I hate fakeness, I really do. I hate the fact that two of my roomies call each other all the time and talk and I feel as though I'm left out. I have yet to receive any contact from them over break. I am nothing to them it seems, at least not in the friendship level. A funny thing is that less than 24 hours after one of them had left to go home for break the other one had to call and talk to her for a good half an hour. Seriously kids you haven't been gone from each other that long I think you'll be okay. I hate how they say that they really care when I know they don't. I know that most of the times the words they say are just that, words, they have no real intention of backing each other up. I don't get it why am I not the best friend, there is such thing as more than one best friend in your life. I'm pretty sure there have been a lot of times that I have been there for them and supported them like a best friend, but maybe that means nothing to them. I notice things, I notice a lot of things that most people don't. I notice the way that the two of them act together and then the way they act towards me and my other roomie. I feel a distance starting between us, and it's not going to be good. It's going to make me pull away and move on to bigger and better things and leave them behind. I guess it comes down to the fact that I see through they're fakeness.
Things I've learned over break are that your TRUE friends are always going to be there for you, even if you don't talk to them on the phone all the time. It was so awesome because the first day I was back here in E.C. I got to have a great conversation with my good buddy Tim. I really missed that kid and I hadn't really talked to him all that much during the semester just a minute or two. It was like we hadn't even spend a semester not talking it was like everything as it was back in the day. It's a good feeling know you'll always have certain people in your life have your back. Even thinking about it now gives a smile to my face. Also being back here with my girls, the girls in my life I can tell anything to just makes things so much better. I love those girls to death and I really can't imagine my life without them. They challenge me on everything, we challenge each other, and I know that no matter what we are always going to be like this. I really miss that connection I have with the girls in GB, I don't have that, because I know I'll get judged on the things I say or things that have happened. Being with the girls makes me think about things in my life, and relationships.
Climb up over the top and survey the state of the soul
You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it. Take control of it inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths that you have inside of you...
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