Walls

"The story of my life I can't quite comprehend, don't tell me if you know how it ends. When every where you go feels like a mirror maze and you're not sure how you got stuck in this place...."-Walls by The Rocket Summer

So today I had my third meeting with my therapist. Yes crazy scary word right there in itself. I don't like the negative connotations that come with it. I'm going to call her the person I go to to talk about life. Dig through the mud that life has brought to me. Am I ashamed to say I go to a therapist? No but I don't like the way people will automatically think I'm "broken" which I'm not.

It's rather nice to have an un-bias person there to listen. She always asks these crazy questions. Like define what a "real woman is." or "What's the perfect life/family/person look like?" There are so many facets to these questions that I can't even wrap my mind around. But that's her job, to push me to figure these things out.

I had to make a life graph for today's session. (life graph is where you put positive and negative things that happened in your life on a page.) It was a great reason to pull out my sharpies and COLOR!! It also was a way to look back on my life and see the ups and downs. It proved to me that live is NOT black and white like everyone would like to think it is. I said something pretty big today that I've learned to live in the gray, life is nothing but gray. We talked a lot about it and didn't even get through most of the graph. Have we gotten through the mud, no. But at least we've encountered it and are now can start to clean it up where it needs cleaning. It also starts my discovery of what makes ME happy. There are so many things but I'm not sure what will keep my cup full career wise, life wise, relationship wise. Slowly those things will be discovered.....

Some random things on my brain to get out:

• The Rocket Summer is playing a very intimate show on October 12th in Chapel Hill. I want to go so bad, but I don't have anyone to go with here. Nobody I know is a big TRS fan. I might just go by myself, or bring my mom. Feels like she's my go to on concert buddy. If you want to come join me, that'd be awesome : )
• Work is draining me, I'm doing my new supervisor's work. I can't quit working hard, it would feel like quitting and I won't. It sucks when you know you, yourself would have been a better fit, but management passed you up.
• I've been listening to John Mayer A LOT recently. Why, I'm not sure, but there is a reason behind it. (I'm talking always playing in my car, at work, everywhere...its kind of creepy)
• I'm trying to find a cool e-card to send to Maroon 5 and Shawn but it seems to be hard. How do you send a cool e-card to a Grammy award winning band and amazingly sweet dude? If anyone could help me here that'd be awesome too!
  
• I am really hoping this job in Madison goes through for my dad. I know this place is not for me. Madison is pretty awesome, I'd love it there. I also could move to Chicago which I know would fit my life perfectly. We will see.... I kind of want to go pack up and move somewhere random and start on my own, but I can't leave my family behind. Maybe one day...
• I was going to take a nap today, but that didn't happen....sleep is so over rated sometimes
  
• This self discovery thing is scary. Maybe it's my quarter life crisis???? Do people have those?
  
• I'm buying the new season of House today, I have catching up to do.
  
• I need a vacation, any ideas???

Alright I think that's enough mind vomit for this post. I'm really going to try to keep up with my blogging game from now on. It's nice to get out : ) Don't forget to hug someone or smile at someone who looks like they need one. Love and smiles are very powerful. -Aubs

p.s. welcome to the blog world Tara so glad you joined this crazy place.

Hanging with the boys

Last night was a wonderful night full of Maroon 5 action. It was great to catch up with Shawn again. I absolutely love him, my mom and I have known him forever. He knows all about my moms cancer and was the one who told her that she needed to start smoking the reefer. We got there around 4 and talked to Shawn for a good hour back stage. I had to teach him how to use his phone and tweet. It was interesting to see Adam L. pop up on the phone as a text message saying they scratched Madden 11 and needed a new one. It seemed like such an emergency to him. Shawn is such a rad dude and offered to give us tickets with seats instead of us having to be general admission to the show. Such a relief because it wasn't a good day for my mom, I was worried about her so sitting down would work out great. We hung out back stage chatted for a long time then said our good byes and wandered to dinner.

Dinner was great and we ended up going back to the venue to get our tickets. Well when we got to the show it was like going back to the Kress Event Center, same layout same everything so a very small venue. But we had a ticket mix up. I didn't want to bother Shawn about it because I know how busy he was. I just sent a tweet out about ticket mix up and he freaked. He came out during Kris Allen's set looking for us in the crowd, he had gotten us another set of tickets so we would be comfortable. What an amazing guy! He said don't worry about tickets ever again I have you covered like always. So I hung in the pit while my mom went to get much needed rest. Come to find out Jesse was just wandering around and she had a great conversation with him for awhile. Another amazing person and musician.

Maroon 5 came on and as much as I have loved them forever, it wasn't the greatest show in the world. They played a lot of old songs and it was a lot like the last show that I had been to. So it got boring. Maybe it was because I was coming off the John Mayer awesomeness and his crazy interactions with the crowd. There wasn't that here. I don't know it just felt odd. But I've seen them soooo many times, maybe I've just got used to it. I got some great pictures and headed up to our seats with my mom for the rest of the show. She said it wasn't fun at all, which made me feel terrible, she had wished she felt better to go down there and deal with the pushing and shoving of the shows but didn't have it in her. Life with cancer can be tough on your body and last night was an example. The show was over and we got to talk to Shawn one more time. He said, I tried searching for you on facebook and can't find you!!! Big step for a guy who doesn't know how to work anything technical. When we got our hugs and kisses goodbye I whispered in his ear thanks for taking care of her. He said any time and if we needed anything to let him know. We exchanged contact information again and he said to keep in touch.

It was more amazing hanging out with Shawn and back stage than the show sadly, hopefully once the new album comes out they will have a bigger and better stage show than just them up there. But over all a great night, still love the Maroon 5 boys and Shawn even if the show wasn't the greatest.

This is why I love Shawn...a tweet he sent: dollarbill_TETE @ridingthewaves there we go... Your mom is so rad... I wish nothing but the best for both of you... Genuine sweetness is hard to come by

Friend ship......the boat of life

Right now on the top of my mind is friends. I am trying to be friends with the ex-boyfriend. I right now am at the point in my life that I need friends there for me and are worth investing time in. These friends are the ones who are willing to invest their own time in me. It's a two way street. I do not need someone who is going to take being friends with me lightly. This might be too much to ask from a person, but maybe it's not. I know that it's getting to the time in many of my friends lives where you have to actively try to be friends with someone. I have enough people who I just say hi to, I really don't need anymore.

Maybe it's me, but I don't think I need another person in my life that I just say hi to. I want someone who cares enough to know how I really am doing, and ask because they want to know. I don't think I'm willing to invest time into something on the just hi level. Only time will tell if this whole trying to be friends this is right.....I don't need another surface stuff friend in my life. So now should jump the ship on this one and swim for shore or see were this ship sails off to???

Road to discovery starts tomorrow.

Tomorrow is going to be a big step for me. I'm going to rediscover myself. I lost it some where at some point. Tomorrow I'm going to sit in front of a counselor and talk about my life, and find out where things went wrong. It's a scary thing, but it is something that I need to do.
I need to discover myself
I need to find out what makes ME happy, what can make myself feel complete, not how to complete others. Find that self confidence and self esteem I haven't had in who knows how long. I need to stop looking for fulfillment by trying to be accepted by others by their standards. I need to be myself instead of trying so hard to fit into the mold of what someone else wants. I deserve amazing things, but believing that is the hard part. I have a lot of learning to do. It isn't going to be easy, but admitting to it and make a step towards change is the hardest part. I'm going to try to blog more about it, be it here or on my tumblr....who knows. I was surfing the web and read this blog and it fits perfectly into what I'm starting on tomorrow.

Ring the Bells-Satellite
Find the words that make it right again

Calling birds help you make it through the night

It's just enough to find a way to open up again

and learn to taste all the beauty that's inside

Well ring the bells that lead you home

cause the only truth I've ever known

is that nothing ever hurts us more than love

so circle up your best of friends

and we'll celebrate the way it ends

At least we live tonight

At least we live tonight

Scream out loud

until you feel again

and hear the sound of how to heal an aching heart

and those that know you most

can help you to live again

so keep them close

as you're making your new start

Well ring the bells that lead you home

cause the only truth I've ever known

is that nothing ever hurts us more than love

so circle up your best of friends

and we'll celebrate the way it ends

At least we live tonight

At least we live tonight

The day you finally turn to dust

and finally hear your name

brings colors that will never fade away

Sometimes the best all of us

can still break down

and still give up on love

but it's never gone