Well that's the icing on the shitty cake

My day has been hell.
I'm sick and sound horrible
I'm losing my voice
I got yelled at by my boss at work today for something I didn't do
I worked from 9-330 and then 6-1030 yup crazy
Did I mention I'm losing my voice....try selling with no voice
I come home and was confronted by my parents that I have to give away my puppy Lucy.
Yeah wonderful day.
No I'm not okay and no I don't want to talk about it. I'm going to just curl up into a ball, cry and not be happy with the world.

I'm starting to get a cold and it's the middle of summer how does that work???

ridin'

Good day. I had the chance to just talk with a friend today and it was good. It was almost like talking with a friend back in Green Bay. I'm not going to be able to have the relationships that I did in GB down here yet, but I shouldn't sell myself short. There are people down here that genuinely care about me and I am thankful for them. They one day will get to the point of my close friends but now I should just love them for who they are in my life.....love is what it comes down to. You get what you give. That's all I can ask for.

Last night was crazy and not good so I was unable to post...oh well...

paintball in the morning...i'm kind of nervous for this one...

Sad day...

"A major strand of our cultural DNA has left us."

Although I'm not the biggest Micheal Jackson fan we all had those moments in life that we turned to his music for some reason or another. Also you can't deny the musical and dance he contributed to society. I remember him in the Free Willy movie when I was little. I also remember trying to pull off the moonwalk on the playground. (White girl in Wisconsin couldn't really do it. Although when it was icy out I was amazing). PYT, The Way You Make Me Feel, THRILLER and so many more songs. Michael Jackson to our generation is what Elvis was to my parents generation. What's sad is that they are considering Miley Cyrus the next generation's Elvis....oh no the world is going to hell. Off to bed work and stuff tomorrow. Rest In Peace Michael Jackson : (

mean people frustrate me

Today I invite you to give your time or attention to a person or a cause that would love to have you. (mom's are a great start.)

Get clear or complete with someone today. Who or what have you been avoiding that has been costing you power? Call or visit with that person and let them know what’s on your mind simply as an act of love. See the real value in that person, even if that person’s only role has been to test your patience. Acknowledge that person for having done a great job. We are here NOW. Therefore, the past has been played out perfectly! It’s a win-win. So drop the grudge. Try on compassion, and feel that courage is a triumph of the soul!

Another way to not be so stingy is to practice kindness to everyone today. Every check out clerk, restaurant staff, janitor, tollbooth attendant, teacher and police officer you pass. Give them your most sincere hello. You are alive today and so are they. Everyone deserves acknowledgment since this day is all there is.

uncaring, insensitive, jerk....that's what I've discovered today

I'm feeling not so hot today....sick and tired and exhausted.....I'm really hoping this isn't going to get worse or I might have to go back to the doctor AGAIN. Stupid appendix

It was a very non-relaxing day in the house we went to the water park...it was fun. Tonight however I'm not sure what's going on. I think I've started to cause something between a friend and I. Hopefully not. I guess we'll see. Work meeting and then church for the first time in awhile : ) then who knows for my day 2 of 3 days off.

Humpf....

over the years, i have come to the following conclusions about love:

infantile love follows the principle: "i love because i am loved."
mature love follows the principle: "i am loved because i love."
immature love says: "i love you because i need you."
mature love says: "i need you because i love you."

it took me a long time to realize WHY it takes us so long to get over someone we really truly love, but i think i finally got a grasp on it. love does not die easily. it is a living thing. it thrives in the face of all of life's hazards, save one -- neglect.

i always wondered why when i was crazy, head over heels in love with someone, i could never find the right words to say. everything that came out never seemed right or enough or whatever you want to call it... well, now i know. "love makes mutes of those who habitually speak most fluently."

there have been lots of times where i was confused about the difference between romantic love and something deeper, that love that you can't really put a name on or define very well, and I'm probably not going to come even close to putting these thoughts into a decent definition of the difference, but hell, I'll try anyway... in "real" love you want the other person's good. in romantic love you want the other person. while romantic love is good and necessary for the relationship to work, "real" love is by far the more important of the two. love is more than just a feeling: it's a process requiring continual attention. loving well takes laughter, loyalty, and wanting more to be able to say, "i understand" than to hear, "you're right."

love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young. love does not alter the beloved, it alters itself.

so i used to think that love was like a bed of roses, that everything in love would be easy, because you love the person. that is false. and it is true. where there is love, there is pain, but where there is great love, there are always miracles. we can be going through the toughest of times in our relationships, but real, true love can conquer anything. even the impossible. because with great love, there is no impossible.

on the other side of the tracks, i hate love. it's horrible, isn't it? it makes us so vulnerable. it opens your chest and your heart and it means someone can get inside you and messes you up. you build up all these defenses. you build up these huge fucking walls for years, so nothing can hurt you... then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

you give them a piece of you. they don't ask for it. they do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. love takes hostages. it gets inside you. it eats you from the inside out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart or a time bomb that has just ticked its last second. it REALLY hurts. it kills. not just in the imagination. not just in the mind. it's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. i hate love. i do. i hate it with all that i have.

love is pain, love is sacrifice, love cannot be reasoned with, but it is necessary to my survival. and this wasn't meant to come off as some bitching about my life. quite the opposite, really. i need love. to breathe, to sleep, to live my goddamn life. i have been captured, body and soul, and i have no choice but to be a slave to my own heart, a bond-servant to its desires. for that is what i am.


(how's that for a deep meaningful blog?)

I'm tired it's been a long day. Found out that the old hamster that Shell had at our house died on Tuesday...what a sad day. R.I.P. Beef

spares and strikes

Long day today. The trip was interesting to say the least. I got paid to drive down there and sit and listen to some crazy guy from New York. I also got to spend time with the gang from our small group, they came bowling with me! Even though I wasn't able to hang with them I had a blast bowling. I can't figure out what hurts more my thumb or my arm....man I'm a wimp. Dog park tomorrow with Lucy if it doesn't rain, she really needs to go run out all her energy for a bit. Time for bed, I promise one of these days I'll write a meaningful and deep blog. I have them in my system just not the energy or time to do one.

One day at a time...

It's amazing how long your day can be especially when you're not feeling the greatest. It's always better when there is pizza, great friends, and amazing family around when you get home. Even though I'm honest I'm learning that being brutally honest isn't the best way to be. I have to be honest but not SO honest. It's tough right now because I'm trying to force friendships here into the ones that I built over the years back in Green Bay. It's not happening, but only one day at a time. You can't force a butterfly to come out of it's cocoon...can't do that with the friends down here. It's time for bed, I've got training down in Charlotte tomorrow and have to leave the big blue box at 7 am...I'm the lucky one who gets to drive.

What do you do when you are completely exhausted? I feel so lazy laying around these past two weeks because of the appendix thing but it's almost mandatory. I know I might be pushing myself too hard, but I am feeling a little bit better. I'm not in as much pain as I was. I am just so exhausted after working for the day it ruins my day off. I just hate the feeling of not being able to get things that I want done in the day. Booo....time to try to sleep I have to work 9:15-5:30 tomorrow.

I want to be the exception to the rule..

Great movie, super great, might just have to buy it....but I'll leave you at this.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. "

So yeah, interesting day to say the least. I'm sick of getting the relationship question about this kid. Crazy how everyone at work told me that we had to be friends again and make up. Or those at work who just think that we should get together and be done with it....gosh people are messing with my mind.

Taylor Swift

The worst part about being lied to is that you aren't good enough for the truth.

If you say one thing and do another and not be honest with me don't expect me to be a happy camper with our friendship. The Taylor Swift Concert was AMAZING. I had a blast rocking out, it was very enlightening when it came to certain things in life. Boys will lie, and if they didn't want girls to talk they shouldn't do stupid things. Sometimes the bad guy isn't the one in the black cape, he's the one on the horse with great looking hair. "Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale, I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well."

"You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.
Well I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I'm trying to say, oh

I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in...."

I'm tired and I've got a lunch date with Rach and a concert to go to tomorrow for free. That's right kids I have floor seats for FREE to the sold out taylor swift concert. I'm pumped. I guess I might be going out to the club later too?? who knows on that one. It'll be an experience. Bed time for me.

To love love

I got back to playing the piano today. It felt good to play and just let things out. Right now my accomplishment is dreaming with a broken heart by John Mayer and Falling Slowly from Once. It is something that I need to bring back in my life, it brings me tranquility and peace for those few moments I'm playing the keys.

So I have been thinking.
Recently I let myself feel again. Legitimately feel what it is like to feel in love, and the feeling of wanting , no needing to be loved back. And for a few short hours I had that, again. It was like I snapped my fingers and there was somebody to love and to love me back and then I opened my eyes and it was over. Which is fine.
I think that I was given those few hours with my walls down to realize the reason that I fell in love with love in the first place.
And to forget the reasons to be jealous, because that is not something I believe in anymore.
for the longest time we are taught that jealousy is natural- but it is not. We are told when to feel jealous and we are told how to be jealous. I hate it. I hate that feeling - it IS unnatural to me. so I threw it out the window. along with bitterness and loathing and being that scorned female and using it to my advantage.
And I have never felt better about it.
So what I can conclude from this ramble of worthless words is that there is no point to feel upset about what has passed- because it has passed. And I should not let what has passed evoke a feeling of loathing towards relationships in the future. Love is it for me. Its what I am here to understand, to know. And I feel lucky to have realized that. I will no longer let others determine how I feel, or let them influence the way I feel.

There is a feeling of regret , however, for loves past.
Not that I regret it ever happening, but just that I regret that I had to learn these lessons through them. I wish I would have learned these lessons before, and been able to execute this new found way upon those people. I am saddened that I was never given the chance. But that's destiny for ya.

so I guess what I am trying to say, is take a look at your relationship ( if you are in one ) and / or your potential relationships. don't let being mad, or being jealous, or being resentful ruin what you could have. fight for your love if it is something you know you cannot forget at the drop of a hat - because those are important to hold on to. let your positive feelings flow and let your negative ones go , honestly. you will experience a love and a relationship so pure - just pure happiness, the way it is supposed to be.
learn from my mistakes - and forgive. forget. trust. love.
& let your life and relationship be yours, no one Else's. concentrate on what you feel - not what others are telling you to feel.

boyfriend application

About You
Name:
Age:
Height:
Hair color:
Eye color:
Favorite color:
Favorite food:
Whats your AIM or MSN screen name:
Tattoos?:
Piercings?:
Drink?:
Smoke?:
Any Other drugs?:
Would you care if i did drugs?:
Would you care if i drank?:
Are you a virgin?:
Do you have sex?:
(if so) How Often?:
Is sex all your looking for?:
Do you have any STD's?:
Would you kiss me anytime?:
Anywhere?:
Do you like to cuddle?:
How much?:
Have you ever been cheated on?:
Would you cheat on me?:
Have you ever cheated on someone?:
List your top 3 bands
1.:
2.:
3.:
Top 3 movies
1.:
2.:
3.:
Do you like to party?:
What if i wanted to stay home and watch a movie with you?:
What if i wanted to kiss you in the rain?:
Are you spontaneous?:
Willing to try new things?:
Like your picture taken?:
Do you drive?:
Go to school?:
IMPORTANT QUESTIONS!
Would you hold my hand as we walk through the mall?:
Would you push me up against a wall and kiss me?:
What about random kisses?:
Would you sleep over at my house and hold me all night?:
Will you only call me sexy if you mean it?:
Would you ever lie to me?:
A Few Random Questions
What do you think of:
Ferrets?:
Little dogs?:
Messy rooms?:
Playing in the rain?:
Showers completely clothed?:
Just hanging out doing nothing?:
Talking on the phone for hours?:
Talking about completely useless and random things for hours?:
Why did you fill this out?:
How bad do you wanna go out with me?:
What do you think is my best feature?:
What do you think is your best feature?:
Is there anything else you would like me to know?:

I forgot to blog for last night but oh well deal with it punks.

Another day sick another day trying to be lazy. Working tomorrow...hopefully it'll go well. I need to sleep for some reason I have to be there at 9 am we open at 10 and our department takes 2 minutes to get ready...ridiculous.

Will I ever find the One for me?

What I am looking for, and slowly finding out that it's probably not going to happen. It makes me so sad and wanting me to give up hope.

I want a guy who would move the hair away from my eyes and then kiss me, hold my hand in line at the mall and make all the girls jealous. Someone who would sing to me at random moments, who would let me sleep on their chest. A boy who would get mad at someone if they called me ugly or was mean to me. I want someone who would call me 3 times a day if he went away. Someone who would let me gossip to him and would just smile and agree with everything I said. He would throw stuffed animals at me when I acted dumb and then kiss me a million times. Someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh, he would take me to the park and put his hands around my waist and give me big bear hugs all the time. He would tell his friends about me and smile when he did it. He would never be afraid to say "I love you" in front of his friends, and we'd argue about silly things then make up. I want a boy that would kiss me at midnight on New Years and count stars with me. Who would stay home with me on a Friday night and help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket. Someone who would tell me I'm beautiful but not too often, who would make me laugh like no one else could. But mostly, I want someone who would be my best friend and would never break my heart.

How about a guy who....
Tell her you admire her. When she's upset hold her tight. Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with. Play with her hair, Tickle her, and wrestle with her. Talk to her. Tell her jokes. Bring her flowers just because. Hold her hand and run, just hold her hand...let her fall asleep in your arms. Tell her she looks beautiful. Look into her eyes and smile. Kiss her on the forehead. Kiss her in the rain. And if you want to be with her....tell her.

you know what i want?
just once i wanna be someone`s
reason for waking up
someone`s reason for
going through another day
just one time i wanna be the
one being wished for
the one who makes a guy say
"i`m so lucky to have her"
but to put it simply..
i wanna mean something to somebody
what they mean to me

My hopeless romantic is dying slowly down here. Things are different and I don't like it. I'm having a hard time finding even the possibility of someone to date. Frustrating. I also found out that boys who were good for others can be a wolf in sheep's clothing and truly are jerks. I never ever will understand guys...ever.

another day sick in bed....watched Mall Cop and Benjamin Button. The second one was much better than the first....back to sleep for me.

Doctor number 4 today....more blood work and more tests. I'm becoming a pro at peeing in a cup and getting blood taken. Time to go back to sleep

I am sick as a dog and I think that I have to go back to the ER. I'm still running a high fever and I'm starting to not feel the greatest stomach wise if you know what I mean. Argh this sucks, they should just take the dang thing out.

I was in an ER for over 8 hours and i'm just getting home. 8 ml of morphine and they think it's my appendix....but it's not bad enough yet to get it taken out just to sit on my butt for the next 3 days

My mom and dad are awesome for allowing me to get the new car. They are the best, simple as that. Love love love them!