it's coming from my racing mind right now. I am losing my dog possibly and moving out of a house while working 39.50 hours this week. I'm causing my family a bunch of hassle and problems. I love them but they don't deserve this. They don't deserve my screw ups in life, that's my deal my fault my mistakes I have to learn. maybe when you are at your lowest point and feel so alone is where you find out about yourself. I think I'm at that point. I'm finding out about myself when I'm feeling all alone. I don't have anyone to talk to or even listen, it is 1 in the morning. i have to realize that I am not alone, that there are people out there that love me. But it's the realization part that is the hardest.
You have to make room in your heart and in your life for the things that matter. It is not enough to dream. The dreaming comes easy. You have to do things. You have to make choices.
It is the same with loving another person. It is not enough to say you do, or to love them when it's convenient. You have to love them every day. You have to learn their story. You have to never stop learning it. You have to listen. You have to cherish and protect.
Guys, you have to lead. You have to become something trustworthy, someone worth following.
Life is about choices. We become our choices.
It is possible to change.
I'm at an all time low here....
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Saying goodbye to an unknown friend
There were kids in costumes but I felt far from them. It felt like Halloween was happening all over again but earlier than normal. They were dressed for a party but I was in line for something like a funeral. The posters said "Batman" but i was in line to say some strange goodbye to a guy I never met. I guy that I had learned to love in many different films.
I first remembered talking about Heath Ledger being cast in the role of the Joker a year and a half ago. How that was a brilliant but crazy move on the directors part. Questioning if he could pull off the role Jack Nicholson did so well. But it made it more exciting to think of what was to come... I never would have imagined it was the photos of a body bag leaving his apartment that I'd see him in before the actual role...it made me sad.
I remember the night that Heath Ledger died in New York City. Some friends and I were relaxing playing Sorry at open mic. The coffee shop is always a warm place it's filled with music and the Sorry game is simply a means to laughter. I remember thinking and wishing that Heath Ledger could have somehow found his way to the coffee shop that night. Maybe that's a weird thought but it was simply the possibility that he would have been less alone, that he might have found a friend or been surprised by laughter...
As for the movie, The Joker was alone.
We all talked about his performance it the next day and that was the thing we kept coming back to. He is completely alone. No gang. No sidekick. He doesn't trust anyone. He doesn't need anyone. He is so disconnected that we never even get to see his story. We never see the how or the heart of the why - we only see the madness. There is no great love that he is fighting for. It's not about the money - he sets that on fire. He values nothing. He loses himself. It's a testament to the actor's talent that when the lights go down in the theater, and The Dark Knight starts unspooling, it's shockingly easy to forget that he's gone. It's only later, walking to the parking lot, the reality sinks in again. It's like losing a friend I never knew all over again.
I'll say what i said before, which is just that the death of Heath Ledger reminded us that life is a fragile precious thing. We were reminded that even our heroes ache with problems of pain. And medicine - or medication - it has the power to bring healing, and it also has the power to bring death.
Back in January, in real life, a father brother actor son named Heath Ledger lost his life. We don't know how he lived but it seems he died alone.
At some point, before we meet him, The Joker loses his mind. He lives alone.
As for us and now, the movie screen is traded for a computer screen, and the story being told is real and ours. Less clapping but just as much at stake. There's no genius ending to this writing, just the simple thing that we keep coming back to:
We weren't meant to be alone.
We need other people.
We need a friend.
We need a gang.
We need a family.
Hope is real.
Those Sorry games, the coffee shops warm and kind - we need to know that they really do exist. That the whole thing is possible. That life can be good. i am fighting to believe this in my own life. I have a long way to go but I'm learning that it's worth fighting for.
As for Heath's final performance, it is amazing, mind blowing, and iconic. There will be no better person to play the Joker again, he simply was the best fit for the role. If I had the chance to cast my vote for an Oscar, hands down Heath would get it.
I first remembered talking about Heath Ledger being cast in the role of the Joker a year and a half ago. How that was a brilliant but crazy move on the directors part. Questioning if he could pull off the role Jack Nicholson did so well. But it made it more exciting to think of what was to come... I never would have imagined it was the photos of a body bag leaving his apartment that I'd see him in before the actual role...it made me sad.
I remember the night that Heath Ledger died in New York City. Some friends and I were relaxing playing Sorry at open mic. The coffee shop is always a warm place it's filled with music and the Sorry game is simply a means to laughter. I remember thinking and wishing that Heath Ledger could have somehow found his way to the coffee shop that night. Maybe that's a weird thought but it was simply the possibility that he would have been less alone, that he might have found a friend or been surprised by laughter...
As for the movie, The Joker was alone.
We all talked about his performance it the next day and that was the thing we kept coming back to. He is completely alone. No gang. No sidekick. He doesn't trust anyone. He doesn't need anyone. He is so disconnected that we never even get to see his story. We never see the how or the heart of the why - we only see the madness. There is no great love that he is fighting for. It's not about the money - he sets that on fire. He values nothing. He loses himself. It's a testament to the actor's talent that when the lights go down in the theater, and The Dark Knight starts unspooling, it's shockingly easy to forget that he's gone. It's only later, walking to the parking lot, the reality sinks in again. It's like losing a friend I never knew all over again.
I'll say what i said before, which is just that the death of Heath Ledger reminded us that life is a fragile precious thing. We were reminded that even our heroes ache with problems of pain. And medicine - or medication - it has the power to bring healing, and it also has the power to bring death.
Back in January, in real life, a father brother actor son named Heath Ledger lost his life. We don't know how he lived but it seems he died alone.
At some point, before we meet him, The Joker loses his mind. He lives alone.
As for us and now, the movie screen is traded for a computer screen, and the story being told is real and ours. Less clapping but just as much at stake. There's no genius ending to this writing, just the simple thing that we keep coming back to:
We weren't meant to be alone.
We need other people.
We need a friend.
We need a gang.
We need a family.
Hope is real.
Those Sorry games, the coffee shops warm and kind - we need to know that they really do exist. That the whole thing is possible. That life can be good. i am fighting to believe this in my own life. I have a long way to go but I'm learning that it's worth fighting for.
As for Heath's final performance, it is amazing, mind blowing, and iconic. There will be no better person to play the Joker again, he simply was the best fit for the role. If I had the chance to cast my vote for an Oscar, hands down Heath would get it.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Why? Because your hair is so curly
I've been thinking a lot about what makes summer awesome. But then there are things that came to mind that makes summer, not so cool literally and figuratively. So I came up with a list of things I've started to love, enjoy.
I love....
*late nights that turn into early mornings
*a furry animal that thinks the world of me and misses me when I'm gone
*not having to worry about school work
*my family of course
*phone dates with my little brother to hear about his fun on pogo
*being called love by a person with a British accent
*daisies...any kind
*puppy kisses
*two days off of work
*going back to work because they missed me and need me
*thin mint dairy queen blizzards
*time to enjoy the sun
*thunderstorms that shake the house
*conversations with someone 6 hours ahead of me
*listening to amazing new music from amazing musicians
*sleeping in
*flirting shamelessly haha
*compliments that make me blush
*nice cool fan blowing away the heat
*friends who love me
*my crazy boys no matter how crazy they are
*free HBO
*air conditioning
*holiday pay and vacation pay
*seeing old friends that make you realize you didn't miss a thing.
*bike rides along the river
*Panera being built a block away from work
*random notes saying hello
*my friends who are always there to love me
*London...hands down
*those who read this and leave comments
*those who actually just read this
*the whole idea that love can be one giant movement
www.twloha.com
I love....
*late nights that turn into early mornings
*a furry animal that thinks the world of me and misses me when I'm gone
*not having to worry about school work
*my family of course
*phone dates with my little brother to hear about his fun on pogo
*being called love by a person with a British accent
*daisies...any kind
*puppy kisses
*two days off of work
*going back to work because they missed me and need me
*thin mint dairy queen blizzards
*time to enjoy the sun
*thunderstorms that shake the house
*conversations with someone 6 hours ahead of me
*listening to amazing new music from amazing musicians
*sleeping in
*flirting shamelessly haha
*compliments that make me blush
*nice cool fan blowing away the heat
*friends who love me
*my crazy boys no matter how crazy they are
*free HBO
*air conditioning
*holiday pay and vacation pay
*seeing old friends that make you realize you didn't miss a thing.
*bike rides along the river
*Panera being built a block away from work
*random notes saying hello
*my friends who are always there to love me
*London...hands down
*those who read this and leave comments
*those who actually just read this
*the whole idea that love can be one giant movement
www.twloha.com
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