This might be unfun...

**Editors Note: this post has been edited for confusion of things mentioned when not referring to them at all.**

i was reading the last few pages of "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" as 2007 came to a close. But i really enjoyed this book. i loved the honesty and the innocence of Charlie. These things matter and you feel them in this book, because they arrive in the face of pain and confusion. The book was so many things and i suppose it was an appropriate way to say goodbye to 2007.

2007 was the best year of my life.
i've never found so much. i've never grown so much.
And yet, it also feels true to say that 2007 was the hardest year of my life.
i've never lost so much, and i've never hurt so much.

Perhaps you can relate.

"I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

if i learned anything in 2007, i learned that much of life is about holding on and letting go, and trying to learn when to do which. Letting go is the hardest thing that i have ever experienced. Holding on is the thing that comes naturally, but if you're going to do it, you have to really do it. You have to make choices and you have to fight to defend the things you choose. You have to decide what is important.
My family is what I am holding on to the most and going to fight and defend it.

Things are not perfect now, but i am hopeful tonight. My heart is lighter than it was six months ago. i have seen storms pass. i have grown and learned and changed. And i am stronger now.

I recently was able to make the trip home to see my family for Christmas. It was nice but it wasn't the same. Once i left I had a phone call and voice mail from my mom saying that i needed to call her. well when i was working there was a family meeting about me and how I'm not the same and they want me to go back on the drugs. i feel like the guy in garden state, trying to see what life is like without the influence of medication. i was hurt and shocked by this to be honest. i know i'm not who I was before people change but i think I'm okay. But I'm going to do it to make them happy, maybe in the end it's going to help me as well. This might be my hope and reaching out that I need. So I'm letting go....and depending on hope that this medication stuff will work.

i believe that love is real. i believe that it is possible. i believe that it can last.

There is hope in all of this.

so let go of the past and embrace the possibility that things can get better. Our stories are important. Our lives matter. Our voices matter.

We're all in this together.

"So let go, let go, jump in,
Oh well, whatcha waiting for,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown,
Let go, let go, just get in,
Oh, it's so amazing here,
It's alright,
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown."
-Frou Frou: Let Go

**Editor's note number two: I am gong to be very limited from now on in what I write in here, it's going into my journal from now on. Sorry but it hurts too many people to see what I'm feeling. maybe it'll change later down the road but that's what is happening now**