As most of you know, I'm not a runner. I'll be the first to admit that but tonight at 12:30 at night I decided I wanted to go for a run. Yes I know it may not have been the smartest decision I've made but I felt like I just need to let my feelings out on the pavement and run. (I know you all can write to me later about my ill decision to go out late at night by myself in a neighborhood that's not well lit)


As I ran I thought about a lot of things in my life that have been going on. I just let it out and ran.... It was a beautiful night out, I just let the moon and the stars light my way.

I've never had so many emotions run through my mind in the 30 minutes I was out there. I thought about the wonderful friends I have in my life and it made me smile. I prayed tons while I was running be it for me, my friends, or just thanks for the blessings I have in my life. I also cried, I have never ever cried while running, it was weird to do. I cried about things in my life that I have lost; be it a friendship with Nich or my family moving so far away from me. But once I got it out I made a choice to leave it behind on the road I was taking one step at a time and not to look back. I think when people are dealing with hurt and pain in their lives they let it fester. It's like we have this scar that we keep reopening because we don't know what to do without that constant pain in our lives. It takes a conscious decision to let that scar and pain finally heal over and move on and say, "yeah I was hurt but look at me now, I've learned and become a better person because of it." It shows that I'm human just like the rest of the world. sometimes life leaves you with some pretty cool scars that you're able to share with others down the road.

It was a good time to just process this fast paced world that I've been living in to just

b r e a t h e

I love the fact that it's getting colder outside. The hooded sweatshirts and comfort are so nice to bring back to my everyday life. That cool crispness of fall is my favorite time of year, especially with the colors of the trees changing. It means it's the end to something, and someone once said to have an end to something brings a beginning to another, the end is really where we start from. Life is like the open road I kept running on. We can either decide to keep going on a road to a uncertain future that gives hope and opportunity or go back to our comfort zone. I for one would like to think I'm going forward on this road of life.

I think I'll be taking late night runs more often, although my body may not be thanking me for it tomorrow. Maybe it'll just be late night walks.....

Amazing..."I know right?!?"

My life the past two weeks have been amazing. Life has been great, I've met an awesome guy, had a blast with good friends, and enjoyed a silent point concert at least once a week. It's great to see the guys up there rockin' and loving it. Amazing. I've been busy with class and work along with having fun to even think of taking time to write in here. You know how sometimes song lyrics just fit your life perfectly? Well tonight on the drive home from the silent point concert there was some songs that were on in my car that made complete sense to me and things in my life. It's been rough with a good friend well former friend of mine and it's finally over now...may be for the better but may be for the worse who knows, only time will tell. But these lyrics really make sense to me. (even if they are by my favorite band)

It's so easy to see dysfunction between you and me. We must free up these tired souls before the sadness kills us both. I tried and tried to let you know, I love you but I'm letting go. It may not last but I don't know, just don't know. If you don't know, then you can't care. And you show up but you're not there. Everyday, with every worthless word we get more far away. The distance between us makes it so hard to stay, but nothing last forever but be honest babe it hurts but it's the only way. Tough we have not hit the ground. It doesn't mean we're not still falling. Oh I want so bad to pick you up but you're still too reluctant to accept my help. What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame.

I still don't have the reason and you don't have the time and it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a f**k about you. And so this is goodbye. Give me something to believe in cause I don't believe in you anymore. I wonder if it even makes a difference, it even makes a difference to try. And you told me how you're feeling but I don't believe it's true anymore. I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry. Oh no, so this is goodbye...

Oh i'm moving on, don't you love how the best things for you kill the most, kill the most. But as strange as it seems I feel alright, I've got people to see. Optimistically speaking I think I'm gonna be alright......

I hope all is well with your life, if you miss me in your life maybe you should give me a call and say hey and we can catch up!

Love YOU lots, yes you!
-Aubs
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Now playing: Silent Point - As Strange As It Seems
via FoxyTunes

*~*~* Tired of this all

For those of you who read that last post it's been deleted. People who read it and were mistaken it was about them I'm sorry it's not. Like I said it's only a handful of people. It's been a crazy past 3 days with working constantly and not even being able to think, so forgive me. so if you still think you need to talk to me do it.

"i'm letting you write your own story- so choose your words carefully."

Is it too much??

Is it too much to ask for a friend to care about you? Not just care about you but care enough about you where they are digging deep into your life and wanting to know everything about you. Be it the scar on you arm, the pain you've dealt with, struggles and achievements you've made. I'm thinking that life is tough, and especially this point. Maybe I'm making it harder on myself than I have to. I need to let go and realize that some people aren't meant to be in my life just as much as I am not suppose to be in theirs. I've been feeling secondary to a lot of people I call "friends" and I hate it. I want to just get on my roof and scream because of the hurt that it causes. As much as I don't let it show how it things sometime affect me, they really do. I analyze everything and anything that is done. It usually ends up making me think that it's something that is wrong with me.

Sometimes a girl just needs her mom, I miss her. I miss the unconditional love that I always will have with Rick LaNay Ian and Jay, you can't find that on a store shelf or from some convenient store on a corner. It's not that easy. I was to see that tooth grin from a brother who thinks I'm the most amazing thing in the world. I want to get picked on for being stupid in decision by another one. I want to be able to make fun of my dad for being so dense when it comes to humor. I want to get in a car with my mom and just talk about anything and be free with no worries. It's to the point of where I am thinking of throwing away 3 years of hard work and transfer down to north carolina. I've tried it here for over a year and I'm to the point of throwing in the towel. I did my best but it's not enough sometimes, it seems to be one of those times.

I know I'll get through this, I always do but it sucks. I want to be able to make it through a day not wondering what I did wrong to be forgotten by friends who I have shown so much love to. It makes me feeling worthless and like there is something wrong with me.

Everyone wants to be loved.