Pure Perfection

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak in the knees when they walk into a room and smile at you." ~Unknown


No it may not be love right now but you know what it's pretty fun whatever you want to call this. Oh yeah there's a boy, a boy that I happen to call my boyfriend. Yup I'm in a relationship with this amazing guy named Johnnie. He's probably the sweetest person I have ever met. He tells me some of the most awww.. things I've ever heard. It's only been a little bit but I'm more comfortable with him then anyone else I've ever been with. It's awesome. Words can describe how crazy this whole thing is. We've spent all weekend together and yet we haven't gotten sick of each other. Or at least I haven't gotten sick of him. My mom has even talked to him for a good 45 minutes and has given him the approval and loves him. Life is good. Hopefully the girls I live with will be more accepting of him than they were in the beginning. If anything could be perfect in this world, it's him.

I have a friend who has been threatening to end his life and to be honest I don't know if he's serious or not. I really hope not and that everything is okay with him. I can't do anything because he's all the way in washington and I am here. But I can't control his actions. I'm happy with my life at the moment and there is not much more to say to that.....

Intense...

"Gravity is working against me."


the weekend that I thought would be pretty uneventful was really one great weekend. I got to play with Toby Allison's puppy on friday with Kari. It was a good relaxing night but I was starting to feel stuffy and sick, not good. Saturday I went with Kari to this mexican celebration for her class and man did we stick out. We still enjoyed it as much as we could. Toby came back over to play for the rest of the afternoon. That night I went over to the ski house for a party which was a blast. I loved hanging out with brisky and the gang especially when I have highlighter all over me that you only can read in the black light. I was starting to feel like a sinus infection was coming so after getting home later than expected I fell asleep fast. Today I feel like shit and sound like a 90 year old chain smoking grandma. I have a horrible cough and stuffy nose and headache. So all I've done is lay in bed do homework and watch tv, oh and talk to my new friend johnnie online all day. we've been talking since 10 am and are still talking as I post this blog. We'll see what happens. But I found this online some how and this is exactly what I want in someone.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart waking up is the hardest part

So I'm in love with the new john mayer album. It's so amazing you should go and check it out. It's definately a chill mood kind of record. That's something I've needed recently. So many of the songs I can relate to in my current mood of missing my family and being down.

No i'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an opened mind i just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train i want to get out and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know i can
But honestly will someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Come on stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know i can but honestly won't someone stop this train

So afraid of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So i play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
You sit down 68 you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't follow it moves the place you're in
I don't think i could ever understand
I tried my hand

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
When you're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing so you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train i want to get out and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know i can
Cause now i see i'll never stop this train

(think i got 'em now)



This one is because of a recent encounter with the exboyfriend of over a year, Jared who I thought was friends with. After talking to him I realized that all he wants is to get his stuff back (too bad it's in a box in North carolina in the obyss of a basebent) and I can't trust a word he said to me. Was the song he wrote for me just a song he wrote and felt bad because he didn't do what he said he would. Screw Madeline...I hope she never comes home to you.

It's been your word, you made your stand
You got me crying, as well as you planned
But when my loneliness is through, i'm gonna find another you

You take your sweaters
You take your time
You might have your reasons but you will never have my rhymes
I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I'm gonna find another you

When i was your lover
No one else would do
If i'm false to find another i hope he looks like you
Yeah and he's nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little get away
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away
Now i'm gonna dress myself for two
Once for me and once for someone new
I'm gonna do somethings you wouldn't let me do
Oh i'm gonna find another you


Oh John Mayer couldn't have sung either of those songs better.....

slowly but surely it's starting to hit me

"You're my satellite You're riding with me tonight Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find You're my satellite.

Maybe you will always be Just a little out of reach..." ~Guster That is for my mom since she's not around but I know she's there. It makes sense

School has started up and I'm ready to start learning again but that'll start tomorrow when we really start taking the crazy notes and reading all the time. School is diffrent this year. I think it's because I'm off campus and not dealing with all the diffrent rules and living with the people I lived with last year. It's weird i can't just walk next door to see a friend I've gotta drive. Don't get me wrong I love it here at Carrera but it's totally diffrent than the past two years. I haven't even really seen a lot of the people I wanted to being back...eventually.


This weekend was my realization of loss. My family isn't here. It was really hard this weekend because everyone in the house was gone home or were with their families. I was the one left out just laying in my room. I know they didn't realize how depressed and sad I was but that's okay I don't expect them to. I really want to see my family and hug my mom and brothers but I can't do that anymore on the weekend. I was jealous and wished that everyone realized how great they have it. Being able to see their family is something most of them take for granted. I know I did, but now I just want everyone to know how lucky they really are. I might go over to the mckinney's just so I have something of a family or maybe even go see nick. I don't know it sucks and at night when everyone is asleep I hug my stuffed little foot and my prince charming stuffed frog tight and just cry myself to sleep. It's the adjusting period that sucks and i'm starting the adjusting. But if I don't want to adjust and have my family with me, eventually will it work?