It's my curse I can see what people are thinking. What they want to say and what they can't say, who they want to be with....and what good does that do me if nobody can see me? It destroys your life to let someone in your life know how you feel about them. You know I have to be honest. how I feel about them. It's like a fetish or something. Here's the thing, I say I'm honest but I'm really not. I'm just as manipulative as the next person if I said how I really felt. I'm not honest at all I am a phony because I'm scared. I'm scared how to say how I really feel. And if I stay that way I will never change. Will I? So i'm going to say it and now it will be known.

It amazes me how easy it is to not understand anything. How do you know if what you want is what you should want, or how to get it or is getting it is even the point like the Buddhists would say. Some people are lucky, they don't have a job. There are some that have a job where they pay you for honest work. A job is where you check your soul at the door and spend the day doing the bidding of people who exploit humanity. Where you give up your dignity in order to help strip others of theirs. Where your greatest asset is the inauthenticity. That is a job.

I guess when all is said and done, nothing is done. It is all a work in progress which I hate. I hate not knowing and waiting and finding it so hard to find what we are all suppose to be. But what is my choice anyway? I certainly wouldn't want to be anywhere other than where I am now....