I'm in a funk

I'm in a funk, a hole, and spot where I'm not comfortable in. (Damien Rice-9 is my current music playing right now)I don't know what it is. I think it's all hitting me at once, or it's just another one of my killer waves of missing my family. I want to go home, I hate this place like no other. Things haven't gotten better after the time I've given it. It is RIDICULOUS. I want to scream at the top of my lungs every night just to let it all out.

I'm sick of school and have been busting my butt in school and seem to be getting no where. Well I am but it seems like it's just one quiz after the other on top of academic excellence symposium (which everyone but lotte in my group abandoned me to do) and exam here and exam there almost every week. I've got 2 exams this week along with 2 quizzes and have to have my outline for sports phys. done next Friday. I NEED A BREAK!!

I come home to a house of emptiness. Empty of caring, love and compassion, and feeling. I call it my own personal hell. I come home to my room do my own thing without being acknowledged. I hate coming home it makes me even lonelier, and because of the people around me they make me feel that much worse. It's like I don't even exist in their world anymore. I am being replaced in the house by a girl who is horrible, she's definitely a drama maker and going to make things so much better than what it would have been with me in the house. The only person staying next year has already had so many problems with her why would she replace me with her. The worst part out of this whole thing is the way they treated my own mother when she came to visit. They were rude and very disrespectful and I was fine with everything and how they were treating me until they treated my OWN mother that way. You're suppose to respect other peoples parents if anything someone who is older than you. That definitely didn't happen. I try to do everything I can to avoid my own house, something is wrong there in that sentence. Because of them kicking me out of the house I have no where to go as of June 1st, added stress to the situation of my life I guess.

I live in a lonely world recently and I'm sick of it, I want to be with my family who loves me and cares for me more than anything. Nobody gets the situation I am in and nobody will, which makes things that much worse because this pain hurts so much. I love my friends but in the end of the day when I'm gone off campus it's just me dealing with me. I want to see my little brothers and be there for them and their hate for Greensboro. I want to get my brothers to start to like Greensboro and enjoy themselves. I want to be there for Jay's soccer games, Ian's tennis games, my mom's coffee talks with her new friends, and even my dad's boring conversations about the lake Townsend project. Right now I'm disconnected and I don't see any way of reconnecting. This wasn't something I chose at all and I wish things were different. I've been praying to god to show me the strength in all of this and it doesn't seem to be working. I'm losing faith and fast. I've been fighting so hard not to but everything I do seems to knock me down that much more.


I want to go to coffee at caribou, eat a holy guacamole, go out to the four seasons and shop with my mom (even if we almost were shot), wear my rainbows proudly and not get yelled at because it's winter, I want to enjoy the nice comfort I get at home, I want to see my dog sally and see if she's able to run with me yet, I want to hear stories about everyone's day, I want to drive down wendover and realize how crazy that street is, I want to enjoy yum-yum ice cream, I want to laugh every time I drive by the exotic car wash, I want to enjoy the fact there is a gas station called sheetz which I have named the shits, i want to have my fake southern accent just to annoy my mom and brother, I want to be called a damn Yankee to my face just to say something back, I want to hear you're not from around here are you dear, simply said I want to be in north carolina.