Just call me an idiot...

STUPID STUPID STUPID....I had an amazing time but there were things that definately dampered the trip. I'm glad I realized how much of a loser he has become and that being with him would be a waste of my time. It's a chapter of my life that I am so happy to put an end to. To be honest if 3o bucks is what it takes for me not to deal with him ever again I think it might have been worth it. I don't want to be friends with him, I've got enough of them, and ones who know who they are and what they want in their life and actually CARE about others and me. Not a college drop out, drinkng, smoking anything and everything, dumb idiot. Thanks but no thanks. That is all....hopefully we wont have class tomorrow because of the snow :o)

Here's some songs that have been running through my head and really have made sense in my life.

What I want from you is empty your head
They say be true, don't stay in your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me like a rootless tree

What I want from us is empty our minds
We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times
We go blind when we've needed to see
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that's been told
Killers re-invent and believe
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

"rootless" by Damien Rice

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.


Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

"Going Home" by Daughtry

I'm waiting for wingmen

"My life reads like the classifieds, pages of what's for sale...."~The Academy is...

So currently I am sitting in the Mission coffee house in Stevens Point Wisconsin, listening to Jared and Chad get ready for their big gig tonight at 10. Yeah I came down to see my friend Jared play and it's been crazy since I got here. I love the guys already, Chad is pretty kick ass and John is just crazy cool. So here's the low down, John Is on the lead and vocals. Chad is on the bass and vocals, and then there is Jared who plays the drums and occasionally the guitar, but more on the drums side. He also has vocals. I'm going to be experiencing waiting for wingmen for the first time tonight and I'll post pictures from the night. I do know that after we're going to the bars which might get a little crazy. Ifr you don't remember Jared is the ex of mine who I've had my ups and downs with so we'll see how the rest of the night goes.....Updates to come from when in GB.

I'm in a funk

I'm in a funk, a hole, and spot where I'm not comfortable in. (Damien Rice-9 is my current music playing right now)I don't know what it is. I think it's all hitting me at once, or it's just another one of my killer waves of missing my family. I want to go home, I hate this place like no other. Things haven't gotten better after the time I've given it. It is RIDICULOUS. I want to scream at the top of my lungs every night just to let it all out.

I'm sick of school and have been busting my butt in school and seem to be getting no where. Well I am but it seems like it's just one quiz after the other on top of academic excellence symposium (which everyone but lotte in my group abandoned me to do) and exam here and exam there almost every week. I've got 2 exams this week along with 2 quizzes and have to have my outline for sports phys. done next Friday. I NEED A BREAK!!

I come home to a house of emptiness. Empty of caring, love and compassion, and feeling. I call it my own personal hell. I come home to my room do my own thing without being acknowledged. I hate coming home it makes me even lonelier, and because of the people around me they make me feel that much worse. It's like I don't even exist in their world anymore. I am being replaced in the house by a girl who is horrible, she's definitely a drama maker and going to make things so much better than what it would have been with me in the house. The only person staying next year has already had so many problems with her why would she replace me with her. The worst part out of this whole thing is the way they treated my own mother when she came to visit. They were rude and very disrespectful and I was fine with everything and how they were treating me until they treated my OWN mother that way. You're suppose to respect other peoples parents if anything someone who is older than you. That definitely didn't happen. I try to do everything I can to avoid my own house, something is wrong there in that sentence. Because of them kicking me out of the house I have no where to go as of June 1st, added stress to the situation of my life I guess.

I live in a lonely world recently and I'm sick of it, I want to be with my family who loves me and cares for me more than anything. Nobody gets the situation I am in and nobody will, which makes things that much worse because this pain hurts so much. I love my friends but in the end of the day when I'm gone off campus it's just me dealing with me. I want to see my little brothers and be there for them and their hate for Greensboro. I want to get my brothers to start to like Greensboro and enjoy themselves. I want to be there for Jay's soccer games, Ian's tennis games, my mom's coffee talks with her new friends, and even my dad's boring conversations about the lake Townsend project. Right now I'm disconnected and I don't see any way of reconnecting. This wasn't something I chose at all and I wish things were different. I've been praying to god to show me the strength in all of this and it doesn't seem to be working. I'm losing faith and fast. I've been fighting so hard not to but everything I do seems to knock me down that much more.


I want to go to coffee at caribou, eat a holy guacamole, go out to the four seasons and shop with my mom (even if we almost were shot), wear my rainbows proudly and not get yelled at because it's winter, I want to enjoy the nice comfort I get at home, I want to see my dog sally and see if she's able to run with me yet, I want to hear stories about everyone's day, I want to drive down wendover and realize how crazy that street is, I want to enjoy yum-yum ice cream, I want to laugh every time I drive by the exotic car wash, I want to enjoy the fact there is a gas station called sheetz which I have named the shits, i want to have my fake southern accent just to annoy my mom and brother, I want to be called a damn Yankee to my face just to say something back, I want to hear you're not from around here are you dear, simply said I want to be in north carolina.

Happy Singles Awarness Day

"And she flies, and she is everywhere."-Nick Drake
"The only true paradise is paradise lost."-Marcel Proust
"One's real life is so often the life that one does not lead."-Oscar Wilde
"Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches."-tallulah bankhead
"In the depth of winter. I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."-Albert Camus

Beauty in Ugly

Jason Mraz

She's so big hearted

But not so remarkable
Just an ordinary humble girl
Expecting nothing as we're made to think
It's a pretty person's world

But you are beautiful
And you better go show it
So go look again
You gotta be true to your own
If you really wanna go to the top
Do you really wanna win
Don't believe in leaving normal
Just to satisfy demand

Well if you wanna get free
And if you wanna do the passionate thing
And if you wanna get smart
For the sake of your heart and all
You should own your name
And stand up tall and get real
And see the beauty in ugly

Well you are fresh
Your face is fabulous
don't forget you're one of a kind
when nobody's checking the deeds you've done
and nobody's hearing your cries
you make all the fashion statements
just by dressing up your mind

and if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart
for the sake of your heart and all
you should own your name
and stand up tall and get real
and see the beauty in ugly
see the beauty in ugle

well if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart
for the sake of your heart and all
you should own your name
and stand up tall and get real
and see the beauty in ugly.